500 of Ed's short rants
by Snoring Tiger
Summary: How many of you can't get enough of Ed's short rants? I'm going to be writing 500 short rants, updated daily! Rated T for occasional swearing. As of chapter 8, drabble fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

**This is going to be a collection of five hundred short rants, with ten short rants per chapter, hopefully updating daily!**

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT WHEN THEY GO OUT IN PUBLIC THEY HAVE TO WEAR A BRIGHT RED COAT JUST TO BE SEEN BY EVERYBODY ELSE OUTSIDE?"

"WHO IS A MIDGET SO TINY THAT WHEN YOU TAKE ME TO SEE A FLEA CIRCUS YOU HAVE TO PUT A LEASH ON ME TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MIX ME UP WITH THE FLEAS YOU JERK!"

"WHO IS A MICRO-MIDGET SO SMALL THAT HIS POCKET WATCH DOESN'T FIT INTO HIS POCKET; I FIT INTO THE POCKET WATCH?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN ATOMIC SHRIMP SO MICROSCOPIC THAT EVEN FLEAS CRACK ON ABOUT MY HEIGHT?"

"WHO'S SO TINY THAT YOU FIND IT HARD TO HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH YOUR WRENCH AS MY HEAD'S SO TINY YOU CAN'T FIND IT WINRY!"

"WHO IS OF SUCH A SMALL STATURE THAT IF I EVER PUT MY HOOD UP ON MY RED COAT I RESEMBLE A CHIGGER*?"

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT IF I STEP FOOT IN A NURSERY THEY'LL SAY I'M TOO SMALL TO BE ENROLLED THERE!"

"WHO'S SO MUCH OF A PIPSQUEAK THAT I TRIP OVER _ANTS_?"

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT THE REASON PEOPLE THINK I DON'T READ A NEWSPAPER IS BECAUSE IT'S BIGGER THAN ME AND WHEN I HOLD IT I SHRINK COMPARED TO IT'S SIZE?"

"WHO'S THE SIZE OF A 5 YEAR OLD SO MUCH THAT PEOPLE THINK THE MY AGE IS GOING DOWN INSTEAD OF UP YOU BASTARD?"

*** A chigger is a red bug.**

**Writing this is really fun XD! Leave your reviews for if you ever want to make a suggestion, like the short rants or if they don't make sense to you.**

**Fma crusher xx**


	2. Chapter 2

11."WHO'S SO TINY THAT IF HE EVER ATTENDED A TEDDY BEAR'S PICNIC (WHICH HE WOULDN'T COS HE'S TOO BADASS FOR THAT) HE WOULD FEEL THREATENED BY ALL THE OTHER TEDDY BEARS?"

12."WHO'S A MIDGET SO BADLY THAT THE WATER FLOWING IN A GUTTER LOOKS LIKE A RIVER TO HIM!"

13."WHO IS SO SMALL THAT PEOPLE CALL HIM THE KARATE TODDLER WHEN HE'S FIGHTING?"

14."WHO'S SO TEENY THAT WHEN I LOOK AT A BUG I CAN SEE ITS CELLS BECAUSE I'M SO NEAR IT IN HEIGHT, MUSTANG?"

15."WHO'S SMALLER THAN A DUST BUNNY WINRY?"

16."WHO'S SO MUCH OF A RUNT THAT I CAN FEEL GRAVITY MORE THAN YOU BECAUSE I'M CLOSER TO THE GROUND?"

17."AM I REALLY SO SHORT THAT EVEN WHEN I'M NEXT TO YOU I DON'T SHARE YOUR AIRSPACE?"

18."WHO'S A DWARF SO SMALL THAT I HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN RED COAT BECAUSE NO SHOPS MAKE CLOTHES THAT SMALL FOR ME!"

19."WHO'S SO MINATURE THAT WHEN I EAT SHRIMP COCKTAIL PEOPLE CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND THE FRIGGIN SHRIMP!"

20."WHO'S SO MUCH OF A PINT-SIZED ALCHEMIST THAT THEY NAMED A SONG IN MY HONOUR CALLED 'PINT-SIZED ALCHEMIST' YOU MORONIC COLONEL?"

**I just had to include that last one when I found out that was the title of his theme song in FMA xD hope you enjoyed it!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Back with more rants! This is really fun, thinking of rants whilst stuck in class! Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews, this is my second-most popular story! Cookies to you all :3**

21. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT YOU COULD CARRY ME IN ONE HAND WITH NO STRUGGLE?"

22. "WHO'S SO TINY THAT WHEN I PUT SWEET WRAPPERS IN MY POCKET THEY WEIGH ME DOWN?"

23. "AM I ACTUALLY SO PINT-SIZED THAT IF I WEAR A CAP WITH A VISOR IT'S LIKE I HAVE MY OWN PORTABLE UMBRELLA ALPHONSE!"

24. "WHO'S SO MICROSCOPIC THAT IF I WORE STILTS I WOULD ONLY COME UP TO YOUR HIP?"

25. "WHO'S SO MUCH OF A RUNT THAT I MAKE A CAN LOOK GIGANTIC WHILST STANDING NEXT TO ONE!"

26. "WHO'S SO TINY THAT I COULD FIT INTO YOUR PURSE LIKE A CHIHUAHUA?"

27. "WHO'S SO MINIATURE THAT YOU WALKING 5 STEPS IS 1 MILE FOR ME!"

28. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I WALK RATS FOR A LIVING AS I AM JUST TALLER THAN THEM WINRY?"

29. "WHO IS SO CHIBI-LIKE THAT ACTUAL CHIBI'S LOOK DOWN ON ME?"

30. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T GO OUTSIDE WHEN IT'S WINDY BECAUSE I'LL BE FLYING IN THE SKY? WAIT...STAY HERE BASTARD!" Mustang only face palmed as he watched the boy run outside and shout "LET THERE BE WIND! I WANNA FLY!"

**Hope you liked this list!**


	4. Chapter 4

31. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT IF I EVER GET AN IDEA AND A LIGHTBULB POP'S UP IT WOULD POP UP OVER YOUR HEAD AS IT WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FIND ME?"

32. "WHO'S SO TINY AND KNOWS IT SO MUCH THAT IT'S NOT CALLED THE NAPOLEON COMPLEX ANYMORE BUT IT'S NOW THE ED COMPLEX!"

33. "WHO'S SO MINISCULAR THAT MY OWN BASTARD OF A FATHER LEFT US BECAUSE HE WAS EMBARRASED OF MY HEIGHT! THAT BASTARD..."

34. "WHO'S SO MUCH OF A MIDGET THAT I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LEANING OVER RAILS BECAUSE I'M TOO SMALL TO FALL OF THE LEDGE YOU JERK!"

35. "WHO'S SO FLEA-SIZED THAT THEY CAN'T SPARKLE ARMSTRONG? NOT THAT I WOULD WANT TO!"

36. "WHO'S TOO TINY TO BE SMARTER THAN YOU MUSTANG?"

37. "WHO'S SO MINISCULAR THAT AT THE LIBRARY I CAN'T REACH THE TOP SHELF; EVEN GOING ON THE LADDER I CAN'T REACH THE TOP!"

38. "WHO IS SO SMALL THAT PENCILS ARE LONGER THAN MY ARMS?"

39. "WHO IS SO TINY THAT I COULDN'T GIVE A PIGGY-BACK RIDE TO A FLEA!"

40. "WHO'S SO IMPOSSIBLY SMALL THAT I USED TO BE TALL IN THE OTHER WORLD BUT I THEN GOT A GOLDEN TICKET TO A CHOCOLATE FACTORY, WHERE THERE WAS A DEVICE WHICH PUT YOU THROUGH THE TV AND I SHRUNK TO AN INCH! YOU MAY REMEMBER ME; MY FAKE NAME THEN WAS MIKE TEAVEE!" Everybody in the vicinity ignored Ed for the rest of the month, thinking that he was going insane.

**The last one was inspired by one of my awesome reviewers, Fluffy Pinkness so thank you for that XD **


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow, 50 short rants already!**

41. "WHO'S SO TINY THAT THE ORIGINAL REASON YOU ENROLLED ME IN THE ARMY WAS TO BE AN **ACTUAL** 'DOG' OF THE MILITARY!"

42. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT RIZA WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SHOOT ME WITH HER GUNS BECAUSE THE BULLETS ARE BIGGER THAN ME?" *gun loads and is pointed at Ed's head.* "YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND!"

43. "WHO'S SO MIGDET-Y THAT MY SUITCASE IS ACTUALLY BIGGER THAN ME?"

44. "WHO'S GOT SUCH LITTLE LUNGS THAT WHEN I BLOW OUT A CANDLE, IT NEVER GOES OUT BECAUSE MY BREATH HAS NO FORCE BECAUSE OF MY SMALL STATURE?"

45. "WHO'S SO TINY THAT NOT EVEN MOSQUITOS CAN WAKE ME UP AS MY EARS ARE SO MICROSCOPCALLY SMALL!"

46. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT WHEN I LOOK INTO A MIRROR PLACED ON THE GROUND I CAN ONLY SEE MY ANTENNA IN THE REFLECTION?"

47. "WHO'S SO MINATURE THAT WHEN PEOPLE USE BINOCULARS AROUND ME THEY'RE NOT BIRD-WATCHING, THEY'RE LOOKING FOR ME!"

48. "WHO'S SO MUCH OF A PIPSQUEAK THAT I CELEBRATE EVERYTIME I GROW AN INCH?"

49. "WHO'S SO TINY THAT IF YOU GAVE ME ONE OF YOUR SHOES I COULD GO SAILING ON IT BECAUSE IT IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN MYSELF!"

50. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT *GASP* _NOT EVEN CHUCK NORRIS _CAN ROUNDHOUSE KICK ME BECAUSE NOT EVEN _CHUCK NORRIS _CAN SEE ME BECAUSE OF MY HEIGHT?"

**XD hooray for Chuck Norris cliché jokes! The reviewer who suggested it gets a free cookie ^-^**


	6. Chapter 6

51. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT WHEN YOU CRY AND I'M UNDER YOU IT'S LIKE IT'S RAINING ON ME?"

52. "WHO'S SO MINISCULAR THAT IF YOU EVER GOT ANGRY WITH ME YOU COULD JUST SHOVE ME IN A BIRD CAGE? DON'T GET ANY IDEAS THOUGH, MUSTANG!"

53. "WHO'S SO TINY THAT I COULD FIT INSIDE A TEA CUP?"

54. "WHO'S A MIDGET SO BADLY THAT WHEN I GO DOWN A SLIDE I JUST WHIZZ OFF IT!"

55. "WHO'S SO TEENY THAT WHENEVER I HAD TO EAT DINNER WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I HAD TO USE A BABY HIGH CHAIR? AT THE AGE OF SEVEN!"

56. "WHO'S SO MUCH OF A PINT SIZED ALCHEMIST THAT IF THE MOVIE WAS ABOUT ME, IT WOULDN'T BE CALLED STEP UP BUT IT WOULD BE CALLED ESCALATOR UP YOU JERK!"

57. "WHO'S SO TINY THAT I HAVE TO EAT OFF A SPOON LIKE IT'S A LEVER BECAUSE THE SPOON IS TOO BIG TO FIT INTO MY MOUTH?"

58. "WINRY, AM I REALLY SO SMALL THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GET EARRINGS BECAUSE I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIFT MY EARS UP AS THEY'D BE SO HEAVY? I MEAN **AWESOME** SKULL EARRINGS THOUGH, IF I EVER GOT ANY!"

59. "WHO'S SO SMALL THAT IF I STAND NEXT TO A GARDEN GNOME I CAN LOOK IT IN THE EYE?"

60. "WHO'S SO MINISCULAR THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GO FISHING BECAUSE, HELL, THE BAIT'S BIGGER THAN ME!"

**57 was from my other story Fullmetal Alchemist Celebrity Island but it's in more detail as to what I meant and if I made it up (which I did) it can still be on this list ^^ Thank you for reading!**

**Fma crusher xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Quick notice: Due to a reviewer reminding me of the rules, starting from tomorrow the format of this writing will now be changed (it will probably be an argument with someone, Ed will still say ten rants in it though, I still can't figure out how to change the format). Also, it can't completely be in caps lock now. Sorry for the sudden change.**

61. "Who's so small that I could ride on the back of a baby pug!"

62. "Who's so much of a pipsqueak that the potion from Alice in Wonderland couldn't make me any smaller?"

63. "Who's so tiny that they can't play the ukulele as it's too big for me to hold?"

64. "Who's so small that my hair is longer than my body?"

65. "Who's so minuscule that it would take me a day to walk up a flight of stairs?"

66. "Who's so small that a stick of chewing gum can't fit in my mouth!"

67. "Who's so tiny that not even a radar could pick up my presence?"

68. "Who's so itsy-bitsy that the shrimp princess is gaining height against me!"

69. "Who's so abnormally small that children pet me on the head like I'm a cat!"

70. "Who's so petite that I would never be able to grow a moustache because it would cover up my whole face? And after seeing Mustang's, I'm not sure I want one!"

**Oh, and sorry for a later update than usual, I was away from the house for a few hours.**

**Fma crusher xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Yeah, because of the new format of these rants, I have decided to do 5 rants a day, sorry!**

It was another day in Mustang's office- Breda and Havoc were discussing random subjects, Falman was actually doing his paper work, Fuery was tinkering and listening to the radio and Riza was watching over the colonel. Who was now in a verbal match against Ed.

"WHO'S SO TINY THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO STICK A STICKER ON ME AS IT WOULD COVER ME YOU BASTARD!" Ed shouted. Mustang smirked back at the fuming teen.

"You always ask who I'm talking about, but you know it's you Ed." This made Ed's face flush to an ever darker shade of red as he shouted:

"WHO'S SO ITSY BITSY THAT THEY COULD RIDE ON THE BULLET THAT HAWKEYE FIRES AT YOUR USELESS ASS WHEN YOUR'E NOT WORKING CAUSE YOUR'E A USELESS-"

"That's enough Ed." Riza interrupted, sighing. Ed turned on her.

"You're sticking up for him?"

"I have to, he's my superior officer. And I believe he's yours to, Edward." Riza replied. "Why can't you have more respect for him, like the rest of us soldiers do?"

"DOES THE ENTIRE AMESTRIS ARMY THINK I'M SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T FIT INTO THE MILITARY UNIFORM?" Ed seethed. "DOES THE ENTIRE ARMY THINK I'M SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T REACH LIGHT SWITCHES?"Mustang smirked and replied "Oh, that's why you don't wear the uniform, I understand now. Thanks for clearing that up for me Fullmetal. They don't even make uniforms that small." Mustang laughed whilst Riza groaned, preparing for another short rant.

"WHO'S SO MINISCULE THAT AL HAS TO CARRY OUR DORM KEY BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FIT IN MY TINY POCKETS!" Ed shouted.

**The layout might change to five separate mini stories, but I'm just experimenting now. R+R so I know if this is turning out good please!**

**Fma crusher xx **


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm writing these short rants on my sick-bed, so if any of the rants sound bad, blame my terrible stomach ache.**

Ed and Al were waiting to go onto the train back home to Risembool, and were queuing up to get onto the train. When the ticket conductor checked their tickets, there seemed to be a problem. To be fair to the conductor, it wasn't his fault he didn't know Ed was old enough for an adult ticket.

"Can I check your tickets?" The conductor asked, taking the two Elric brother's tickets. He nodded at Al's ticket and gave it back to him, but he was confused with Ed's.

"It seems that there's been a mess-up here. You have an adult ticket, but you must be twelve at the most." Ed instantly went into a fit of rage.

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I LEGALLY SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO RIDE ON THIS TRAIN YOU JERK!" Ed shouted.

"No, that's not it-"The conductor said confused and scared.

"WHO'S TOO TINY TO BE ABLE TO LOOK YOU IN THE EYE BECAUSE I'M SO SMALL?" Ed screamed, now getting really worked up. By now all of the other passengers were watching the conductor and Ed fight. Al held Ed by the shoulders and told the furious boy "Brother stop it, you're scaring him." Ed stopped shouting and glared at the conductor. The conductor handed him his ticket and ran off crying.

* * *

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I COULD WALK OVER WATER AND NOT SINK BECAUSE OF MY SMALL SIZE?" Ed shouted.

"YOU OF COURSE YOU ALCHEMY FREAK! NOW STAY STILL WHILE I'M FIXING YOUR AUTO-MAIL!"

"WHAT? ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M SO MINISCULE THAT WHEN I STAND UNDER A CEILING FAN IT'S LIKE A TORNADO!"

"YES I AM BUT FOR NOW JUST STAY STILL OR I'LL DAMAGE YOUR AUTO-MAIL EVEN MORE!"

Al listened to fight going on indoors amused. This type of fight would happen every time Ed and Al came back to Risembool to get Ed's auto-mail fixed. Each time, he was amazed with how Ed came up with different rants.

"OW! WHAT THE HELL, TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO ATTACH MY ARM!" Al could hear Ed shriek.

"SHUT UP IT'S ALL OVER NOW ANYWAY YOU MICRO-FLEA!"

"WHO'S SO MUCH OF A MICRO-FLEA THAT I COULD BE A FLEA ON YOUR DOG DEN?"

Al sighed and decided to go on a walk, leaving the two teens to attack each other.

**Yup, there will be different amounts of short stories in each chapter. Hope you liked this chapter**


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the later than usual upload, I was at a BBQ!**

Ed picked up his book from the shelf (_The Philosopher's Stone: The History_) and sat himself down at one of the tables in the library. His bored eyes scanned the page to look for any new information about the stone, but alas there was none. After scanning the first few pages he put his book down and sighed. "How am I meant to research the Philosopher's Stone when there's no new information about it?" He groaned, hitting his head loudly and repetitively on the table.

"Be quiet young boy!" A strict voice called out, and Ed turned to see it was the librarian coming over to him. Ed instantly focussed on the words 'young boy' and flared up.

"WHO'S SO TINY THAT THEY CAN'T USE A SKIPPING ROPE BECAUSE THEIR ARMS ARE TOO SMALL TO HOLD THE ROPE?" He screamed at her. She put her finger to her lip and started to make shushing noises. "We are in a library, so keep quiet. Hey, that book shouldn't be for someone your age. The fiction books are further down." Now Ed was really insulted. And he didn't care who heard him.

"WHO'S SO TINY THAT THE REASON THIS BOOK IS ON THE DESK IS BECAUSE I CAN'T LIFT IT UP BECAUSE I'M SO TINY!"

"_Quiet, this is a library! _You're right though, that book does seem like it's heavier than you can handle."

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT EVEN IF I DRINK MILK IT WON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE AS I'M A LOST CASE IN TERMS OF HEIGHT? STOP CALLING ME SMALL YOU OLD LADY!" Needless to say, after that outburst he was kicked out of that library forever.

* * *

"Three, two, one and go!" Havoc shouted whilst putting a stop watch on.

"Umm, WHO'S SO SMALL THAT LIZARDS ARE LIKE DRAGONS TO ME!" Ed shouted. He was then quiet for a few seconds. "Oh, I got another one: "WHO'S SO TINY THAT IT'S LIKE I LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF GIANTS?" There was more silence and thinking murmurs coming from Ed until Havoc said "Time's up kid. In thirty seconds you made up two unique short rants- pretty impressive." Havoc commented. Ed scowled.

"I could have come up with more, but it's hard when you're timing me." He muttered. Just then Mustang entered the room, and saw the two of them sitting on chairs, with Havoc having one stopwatch in his hand and Ed's red face.

"Did he make up more than three?" Mustang asked, whilst Havoc shook his head. "Looks like you owe me fifty cenz then." Mustang smirked. Ed understood what was going on and stood up whilst pointing at the colonel.

"YOU MADE A BET ON HOW MANY I COULD MAKE UP? YOU INCONSIDERATE BASTARD! AND YOU WENT ALONG WITH IT HAVOC!" Ed screamed. Mustang's smirk grew bigger. "Yup, thanks kid, now I can eat out tonight." Mustang left the room before Ed could carry on screaming at him.

**Hey, these are getting longer! =D**


	11. Chapter 11

Ed sighed out of boredom, watching the grotesquely large man boom in front of him, with more sparklies appearing by the minute. Armstrong was giving Ed a lecture about all the different arts in his family but, as expected, Ed wasn't listening. Instead he was wondering how his moustache managed to cover his mouth without actually going into his mouth when he spoke, he was that bored.

"EDWARD ELRIC! DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?" Armstrong boomed at the frightened boy who shook his head.

"I said that the art of stretching people to make them taller has been passed down my family for at least ten generations! Do wish for me to try it on you?"

"WHO'S SO TINY THAT YOUR MUSCLES ARE BIGGER THAN ME YOU FREAK!" Ed screamed, insulted that he was being called a midget.

"HOW _DARE _YOU USE MY SKILLFULLY CRAFTED MUSCLES IN ONE OF YOUR SHORT RANTS EDWARD? IT'S NOT MY BAUTIFUL MUSCLE'S FAULT THAT YOU LACK HEIGHT!" Armstrong instantly broke his shirt with his muscles and posed.

"WHO'S SO MUCH OF A RUNT THAT I COULD SUCK A POLO MINT IN MY TINY MOUTH FOR A DAY AND IT WOULD STILL BE IN MY MOUTH?"

"What a coincidence! That art has been passed down my family for generations!"

"That's not my point. My point is that you called me small." Ed sulked. Armstrong instantly picked up the boy and gave him a bear hug with tears rolling down his face.

"I'M SO SORRY EDWARD ELRIC! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"

"I...can't...breathe." Ed choked.

* * *

"WHO'S SO TINY THAT DOGS ARE BIGGER THAN ME?" Ed shouted to Mustang. _Once again_, Mustang was teasing Ed and, _once again_, Ed was falling for it.

"But what about your mechanic's dog? Isn't it bigger than you?" Mustang smirked, trapping Ed in a verbal corner. Of course, the only thing Ed could say was "Shut up you bastard!"

Mustang only smirked once more and turned back to the pile of paper work at his desk. He then looked at his stack of paper work and said "Fullmetal? Where'd you go? Oh, you're behind my paperwork. I couldn't see you, because you're so small and all."

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T HOLD A HAIRBRUSH IN ONE HAND!" Ed screamed, ripping up all of Mustang's paper work with alchemy. Mustang gaped and said "Hawkeye's gonna kill us."

"Nope, she'll only kill you. See ya!" Ed grinned and ran out of the office and ran right into Hawkeye. "Oh, hello Hawkeye." Ed told her. "Sorry for running into you."

Hawkeye merely nodded at Ed and instead looked at Mustang's desk, which was covered in scraps of torn paper.

"What the hell did you do?" Hawkeye strictly asked Mustang.

"I didn't do it, the runt of a major did honest!" Mustang replied, flailing his arms wildly.

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT YOU COULD CARRY ME IN A RUCKSACK!" Ed shouted. Hawkeye turned on him, pointing her pistol at him. Ed looked at the pistol, looked at the smirking Mustang and ran out of the room so fast it took Hawkeye a few seconds to realise he left before she ran after him.

**Hope you like these short rants! Just a quick thank-you to each and every reader/reviewer, you guys make my day!**


	12. Chapter 12

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT THEY COULD USE A RING AS A BELT YOU JERK!" Ed screamed at the unfortunate doctor who was measuring Ed's height as part of his military physical assessment. The doctor frowned at him.

"But it makes no sense for you to be four foot eleven at the age of fifteen." The doctor scratched his head.

"ARE YOU CALLING ME SO TINY THAT IT SHOULD BE PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO EXIST?" Ed shouted making the doctor cover his ears. "Well, for your height, technically it _should _be impossible for you live..."

"OH YOU HAVE SO ASKED FOR IT YOU BASTARD!" Ed jumped at the man and punched him whilst saying yet another short rant at him.

"WHO ***PUNCH*** IS SO TINY ***PUNCH*** THAT BECAUSE OF MY ***PUNCH* **SMALL SIZE YOU CAN'T FEEL MY PUNCHES *******PUNCH TO THE FACE***!"

As Ed punched the doctor in the face, his face mask fell off and he saw a certain colonel smirking whilst rubbing his cheek.

"You didn't have to punch me with the auto mail arm Fullmetal."

"I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU, YOU FRIGGIN BASTARD!"

"Ooh, whilst shouting short rants? 'Who's so small that beans are taller than me?'" Mustang imitated. Ed grinned.

"That's a damn good one! WHO'S SO SMALL THAT BEANS ARE TALLER THAN ME?" Ed kicked Mustang in a place he shouldn't have, causing him to kneel on the ground.

"OW, OW, OW, OW _AND WITH YOUR AUTO MAIL LEG TOO_!" Mustang howled.

"That's what you get for calling me so small that lilo's in the water are like cruise ships to me." Ed grinned whilst sneaking in one final short rant in there. "Later Mustang."

Needless to say, Mustang dodged Ed for the next two months.

**Ta-da! Tomorrow is a very important day for this story-we'll reach 100 rants tomorrow! *brings out streamers* **

**Hope you like this short, short, **_**midgetly short**_** story.**

**Ed: "What was that?"**

**Me: "Nothing... Later guys!"**

**Fma crusher xx**


	13. Chapter 13

_**100 rants done, 400 to go...**_

Ed stormed out of Central HQ to go to the Hughes' residence. He had just had a shouting match with Mustang and lost so he wasn't exactly in a good mood. Running out into the road, he didn't hear or see the car that stopped just in time before hitting the small runt.

"Watch where you're going kid! I could barely see you!" The driver shouted.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I BARELY REACH YOUR CAR'S TYRES IN HEIGHT?"** Ed shouted back, pissed that he had to start arguing again.

"Well you apparently, I could barely see you except for your coat!" The driver replied.

"**WHO'S TOO TINY TO BE HIT BY YOUR CAR!"**

"I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT KID! I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT THOUGH, I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHERED TO SWERVE. YOU'RE TOO SMALL TO BE RUN OVER!"

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A MIDGET THAT I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET MY DRIVING LISENCE AS THE LISCENCERS WON'T BELIEVE MY AGE BECAUSE OF MY HEIGHT!"**

"Why do keep asking me who I'm talking about? It's you!"

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A MIDGET THAT I COULD LIE DOWN ON THE BONNET OF YOUR CAR AND YOU'D STILL BE ABLE TO SEE OUT OF THE WINDOW!"**

"Ed, calm down. I didn't realise it was you until you started to say your...third rant." Ed looked at the driver and to his surprise he found it was Fuery who was driving the car.

"...The hell?" Ed spat out of his mouth. "Since when do you get aggressive?"

"I get road rage." He replied simply. "See you Ed."

As he drove away from the boy, Ed shouted after him: **"DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK I'M SO SMALL THAT **_**100**_** BOLTS FROM THIS CAR WOULD COVER MY ENTIRE BODY?"**

"Yes Ed!" Fuery shouted back, but the boy thankfully never heard his reply.

* * *

**Right, there's 100 short rants for you. In case you didn't notice, the 100****th**** rant has the number 100 in it-I'm clever aren't I? No, no I'm not. Anyway, hope you liked this! **

**P.S Calculating, I think there might be 80 more chapters of this O.o**


	14. Chapter 14

"**WHO'S TOO SMALL TO USE A TELEPHONE BECAUSE MY EAR'S TOO SMALL TO FIT ON THE SPEAKER!"** Ed shouted to the cashier at the fast food restaurant that Ed and Al were eating at (well, only Ed would be eating).

"Dude, I just asked if you wanted the happy meal." The Mc Donald's cashier replied. "I'm guessing that's a no then."

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO WORK A TILL MACHINE AS IT'S TOO HIGH OFF THE GROUND FOR ME TO REACH! **Wait-what? I never said it was a no now, did I? Listen very carefully." Ed paused for a second. "Do I get a free toy with the happy meal?" He asked, like it was very important to know.

"Let me check...You get a free mini water gun with the happy meal."

"GIVE. ME. THE. HAPPY. MEAL. NOW." Ed shouted whilst slamming his hands on the table. He really wanted the water gun.

"Chill kid, I'll order you one."

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A KID THAT THEY COULDN'T EAT A REGULAR SIZED MEAL?** **WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T FINISH A PACKET OF FRIES? **DO YOU WANT ME TO PROVE YOU WRONG? HUH? HUH!" Ed shouted. Alphonse nodded. "He can eat lots. Please; Just give us te happy meal before he gets too worked up."

Scared, the cashier who apparently was called 'Eugene' on his name tag gave Alphonse the happy meal. "Take it for free! Just don't hurt me!" They took the meal and walked away. After sticking his nose in the box, Ed ran back to the cashier.

"WHY ISN'T THERE A WATER GUN IN HERE YOU JERK!"

"Umm, let me just get you one now-"

"**AM I REALLY SO SMALL THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN TRICK ME BECAUSE I WON'T SEE YOU PLOTTING?"**

"Just take it!" Eugene threw the water gun at Ed and ran off. Ed, satisfied with his result, went back to his table grinning where Al was currently face palming.

* * *

**The waiter's called Eugene in reference to Weird Al's song Stuck in the Drive-thru, where today's rants were inspired from. Hope you enjoyed them!**

**Fma crusher xx**


	15. Chapter 15

_Some of you might be getting confused with the bold text. The bolded text is a rant, so if you see 5 bolded lines you know it's five different short rants._

_

* * *

_

"Sing me a lullaby Ed." Elysia mumbled as she snuggled under her bed covers. Ed smiled at the little girl and nodded. Ed and Al were babysitting Elysia as Hughes and Gracia went out for dinner.

"What do you want me to sing to you?" Ed asked. She was silent for a second before she said with a yawn "Twinkle twinkle little star." Ed thought for a second and said "I have my own lyrics to the song, is it ok if I sing them instead?"

"Sure big little brother." She replied. She shut her eyes as she listened to Ed sing. He grinned before he started to sing:

**"**_**Why the hell am I so short?**_

_**Please don't call me 'kid' or sport'!**_

_**Who's so small to be even called a pipsqueak?**_

_**Who's so tiny that it's almost unique?**_

_Why the hell am I so short?_

_But when I tell you this you only laugh and snort."_

"Brother...that song isn't twinkle twinkle little star...that's just four short rants you made rhyme." Al muttered at his older brother. Ed only grinned. "Yeah, but...I think I like my version better. Now let's get out of here before we wake up Elysia." Looking at the girl, Al saw that she did actually fall asleep to Ed's song. They both crept out of her bedroom to let her sleep.

When Ed tried singing this to Mustang at work the next day, the only thing Mustang said was "I don't care if you scream it or sing it, you're still short."

**"****WHO'S TOO SMALL TO SING IN TUNE?"**

"Now that you mention it, you did seem a bit off-key."

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

_**For ages I've wanted to write this! Hope you liked his song!**_


	16. Chapter 16

"Alphonse-sama!" Mei squealed as she tried her best to hug the poor boy. Alphonse, after a few minutes, peeled her off him. "Oh...you're midget for an older brother's here too." She sighed.

"**WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SHORT YOU BEAN PRINCESS!"**

"Well, I'm only twelve, I have an excuse for my lack of height*. You on the other hand, at sixteen, do not." She quipped back.

"**WHO'S TOO TINY TO LOOK YOUR FREAKING CAT IN THE EYE?"**

"SHE'S NOT A CAT, SHE'S A PANDA!"

"LIKE I CARE!"

They both glared at each other, then turned away from each other childishly. Alphonse sighed.

"Edward, Mei-chan, can't you guys just make up?"

"No! **She said I was smaller than her shoes, which are pretty damn small!"**

"Alphonse-sama, he insulted Shao May!"

"You guys..."

"Fine. I'm sorry." Edward glared at Alphonse.

"I'm sorry. But you're still short." She added, whispering under her breath. This being Ed though, he heard the short insult.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A RUNT THAT I'M THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF SHAO MAY YOU BRAT?"**

"I NEVER SAID THAT I WAS JUST STATING A FACT."

"Edward and Mei-chan, we have work to do." Alphonse interrupted, shuffling various research papers around. "Mei-chan, Edward just gets defensive about his height. And brother, it's not Mei-chan's fault you're short so just get to work now."

"YOU'RE STICKING UP FOR THE BRAT! YOU TRAITOR OF A BROTHER!"

"Brother..."

"**CALL ME SO TINY THAT I CAN'T READ THE PAPERS WITHOUT HOLDING THEM FAR AWAY FROM ME AS I HAVE AUTOMATIC ZOOM BECAUSE OF MY HEIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU!"** Ed did his longest rant to date, and stormed out of the room, leaving Alphonse to sigh and making Mei giggle.

* * *

_* This is seriously how old I think Mei is, I have no idea what her real age is. _

_Thank you for the suggestion of adding Mei. I love you all! _

_Fma crusher xx_


	17. Chapter 17

"Alphonse, this isn't funny!" Ed shouted at his younger brother. Alphonse had transmuted a bird cage and put Edward in it, and tying up Ed's hands so he couldn't do alchemy. Al only laughed at his handiwork.

"Wow, I can carry you in this." Al lifted up the cage and walked down the street they were in. People who were walking in the street stopped to look at the Hero of the People, The Fullmetal Alchemist, who was stuffed inside a bird cage. Whispers were floating around, including "Mummy, look how small he is!" "He must be so tiny to fit in there." "Can I pet it?"

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT A MICROSCOPE WOULD NEED A TELESCOPE TO SEE ME! WHO'S SO TINY THAT THIS IS A BIRD CAGE FOR DWARF BIRDS? **SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE YOU PEOPLE!" Ed screamed at him whilst shuffling around in the bird cage. "ALPHONSE GET ME OUT OF HERE I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"You blew up Central HQ when I wasn't there as a prank, you call that doing nothing? Thank goodness no-one was in it at the time. You're too young to go to jail so this is the best I could do." Alphonse replied.

"HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO STAY IN HERE?"

"For about two hours. Don't worry, you're small so it shouldn't be too uncomfortable in there brother."

"**WHO'S SO MINISCLUE THAT MY YOUNGER BROTHER CAN CARRY ME!"**

"Ed...I am your younger brother and I am carrying you." Alphonse said back calmly. "Stay still or I'll just leave you in there."

"**GODDAMNIT AL, ARE YOU CALLING ME SO SMALL THAT BIRD TREATS FILL ME UP? ARE YOU CALLING ME SO TINY THAT THERE ARE FEW PHOTOS OF ME BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ENOUGH ZOOM IN THE CAMERA? AM I-" **As Ed was ranting, Alphonse sighed and put a muzzle on Edward so he couldn't talk, dropped Ed off at the apartment and left him there for five hours.

_Alphonse would probably never do that, but this was inspired of one of my previous rants I wrote. Hope you enjoyed it!_


	18. Chapter 18

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN FIT INSIDE JEWELRRY BOXES YOU JERK!" **Ed shouted at the poor height measurer.

"Well that would make an interesting world record." The height measurer responded absently. "Now stay still otherwise I won't be able to get you height." Mustang, as a prank, had called the people from Guiness World Records and claimed he knew the shortest 15 year old in Amestris. Ed was naturally pissed off.

"And your official height is four foot and eleven inches." The height measurer took away his ruler. "Impressive indeed."

"**ARE YOU CALLING ME SO TINY THAT I'M THE SMALLEST TEENAGER IN THE WORLD?" **

"There is a possibility." The measurer replied. "The previous record I believe was 5 foot and 1 inches..."

"**I'M NOT SO PETITE THAT I'M 3 INCHES SHORTER THAN THE PREVIOUS RECORD HOLDER!"**

"How's he doing?" Mustang walked into the room and his smugness was almost radiating off him.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU RING THESE GUYS? **I'M NOT SO TINY THAT EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD LOOKS DOWN ON ME!** EVEN IF I WAS, I WOULDN'T WANT THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD TO KNOW ABOUT IT!"

"I think he might also have the biggest Napoleon complex too." Mustang whispered to the official who nodded back. The official walked up to Edward after checking the heights.

"Congratulations ! You are now the proud owner of two world records-the smallest stature for a teenager and the biggest Napoleon complex!"

"I'M MEANT TO BE PROUD OF THE FACT THAT **I'M OFFICIALLY SMALLER THAN DUST?"** Ed shouted and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. "You got it easy." Mustang told the official and height measurer.

"I HEARD THAT BASTARD!" Edward shouted from the other side of the door.

"I rest my case." Mustang smirked.

**This was too tempting to write! This chapter is in honour of He Pingping, the original shortest walking man in the world. RIP.**

**Fma crusher xx**


	19. Chapter 19

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT I NEVER GO TO THE CINEMA BECAUSE THE SEATS ARE TOO LOW DOWN FOR ME TO SEE THE SCREEN!"** Ed shouted to the ticket lady. Edward and Winry were trying to watch the movie SAW IV and they were purchasing their tickets. But, as we can all imagine, Ed was having some difficulties with buying his ticket…

"What proof do you have that you are 15 young man*?" The ticket lady sternly told Edward.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH TO GET AN I.D. CARD YET! **I'm with the military, here's my pocket watch as proof." Warily, Edward passed his watch through the old, frowning lady at the ticket desk. She looked at it for a second before saying "What a realistic toy you have. It's not real though, you're far too young to be a State Alchemist and it doesn't even open."

Edward was speechless for a few seconds before he decided it was wise to scream at the lady as loud and as fast as he could as he snatches back his pocket watch. **"**WHAT THE HELL IT'S NOT A TOY! **WHO'S SO MINIATURE THAT I STILL PLAY WITH TOYS YOU OLD HAG? WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN NEVER HAVE POPCORN BECAUSE MY THROAT IS TOO SMALL FOR ONE KERNEL TO FIT IN MY MOUTH! **ARGHH!" Out of sheer irritation, Edward clapped his hands together and made the metal of the desk tie around her hands, making them get stuck to the table.

"NOW **WHO'S SO SHORT THAT I CAN'T DO ALCHEMY!"** Edward snatched the tickets which were in her hands whilst ignoring her shouts of protest. He put his arm through Winry's elbow and they entered the cinema laughing together.

_*In my version of Amestris, you can be 15 to watch SAW and they've only made 4 movies so far :P_

_Hooray for some EdWin! I hope you liked this chapter, it took ages to write!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	20. Chapter 20

It was Edward's birthday party, and all of Central HQ was there to celebrate. Everyone was down in the main hall and mingling together.

"So how old is the kid turning?"

"I think 16."

"But he's so small!"

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT I SHOULD BE TURNING 5 YOU IDIOTS?" **Ed screamed at two secretaries who were talking. After glaring at them, he walked over to a group of officers and said "Don't listen to them, I'm not so small that **I can fit inside a cake and pop out of it. "** Balloons were hanging from the walls and Mustang even made a water feature of Ed and with water coming out of the mouth…

"Care to explain why the water feature of me is so damn small you bastard?" A pissed off 16 year old Edward demanded to Mustang. Alas, he was correct; Mustang made it 1 foot tall.

"Well I decided to make it life-sized." He replied coolly.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT THIS ACTUALLY **_**IS **_**A LIFE-SIZED MODEL OF ME?"**

"Then why don't you go and stand next to it?" Mustang teased the boy. Edward only glared and stomped off.

* * *

"Thank you to everyone who arrived today, it means a lot to me. Let me just say, that despite rumor, I'm turning 16 today. I'm also not so much of a midget that **none of you can see me on this stage, **or that I'm **smaller than the water feature a certain colonel made of me.**" Ed was giving a speech. "Before I carry on though, I want to sing a song and then you guys sing along:

_Happy birthd__ay to me,_

_**Soon I'll be six foot three,**_

_**I'm not as short as you think,**_

_**Hell, I'm taller than Fuery!"**_

Fuery blushed at Ed's last line to the song, but everybody else laughed and sang along to the song. Soon all of the occupants of Central HQ were singing that song, but Mustang and Havoc made up their own version and soon everyone was singing it, much to Ed's chagrin.

"_Happy birthday to you,_

_You're still a shrimp, whoop de doo!_

_You're smaller than a munchkin,_

_But you look like one too!"_

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A MUNCHKIN THAT I CAN FLOAT ON A BALLOON!" **Ed screamed. That concluded his speech.

* * *

Everyone in Central HQ had left the party and had gone back to work except for Mustang, his crew, Alphonse and obviously Edward. They were all eating slices of cake.

"Why did you guys throw me a party? I mean, why should it matter to you?" Ed asked, his mouth full of cake. He got a variety of answers.

"Free cake." Breda mumbled.

"Procrastination." Mustang replied.

"Get to meet all the chicks in Central!" Havoc grinned. "And I got me a girl's number."

Hawkeye gave them all glares then smiled at Ed. "What they mean is that you're part of our group so when it's your birthday you deserve a party."

"Cough cough, even at 16 you're a shrimp coughcough." Mustang coughed unrealistically.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL FOR MY AGE THAT I CAN'T EAT MY OWN SLICE OF CAKE WITHOUT GETTING FULL YOU BASTARD!"** Ed started to shovel cake into his mouth and he leant back once he finished.

"That was good." He sighed rubbing his stomach.

"Only a child would do that."

"SHUDDUP MUSTANG!"

* * *

_I wrote two songs today! I'm so kind today I wrote 10 rants today :D I've finally reached 100 reviews! Thank you all for your constant support!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	21. Chapter 21

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ROYAL PAINS IN THE ASS DOING HERE!" Ed roared at Ling, Fu and Lan fan who were currently sitting on the floor of Edward's hotel room, eating room service.

"What does it look like? We're eating." Ling replied with his mouth stuffed with meat. "Don't worry young boy, we'll pay you back the bill soon." Lan fan carelessly told Ed as she continued to eat some noodles.

"**WHO'S SO YOUNG THAT I CAN'T SEE YOU GUYS LYING ABOUT THE BILL?"**

"What does that have to do with your height anyways?" Ling asked whilst literally stuffing more food into his mouth.

"SHUTUPANDGETOUTNOW!" Ed screamed in one breath whilst pointing at the door. He then shook his head and pointed at the open window they preferred to use as a means to get into the hotel room.

"Don't interrupt the prince when he's eating you shrimp." Fu nonchalantly told Edward.

"OH YOU GUYS ARE SO JUST _ASKING _TO BE RANTED AT, AREN'T YOU? ALRIGHT THEN! **WHO'S SO TINY THAT THIS HOTEL DOESN'T LET ME ORDER ROOM SERVICE AS I'M TO YOUNG TO PAY WITHOUT A GUARDIAN! WHO'S SO MINISCULE THAT ANTS TREAD ON ME, NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND? FINALLY-**" Ed paused to grab a shrimp melodramatically from the food tray-"**WHO'S TOO MUCH OF A SHRIMP TO EAT THIS SHRIMP!" ** Ed stuffed it into his mouth and chewed ferociously.

That night, Edward learned never to swallow when you're still chewing food whilst trying to make a point. A part of the shrimp went the wrong way down his throat and he began to cough furiously. After Ling patted the boy on the back, Edward coughed up the shrimp and began to breathe again. At _that _exact moment, someone decided to tell Edward that Hughes was filming the whole incident.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! That was priceless Ed! What made it funnier is that you didn't actually eat the shrimp and nearly choked on it! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!" Hughes had to wipe away the tears of laughter from his eyes.

"When the hell did you get here? HEY, I'M NOT **SO SMALL THAT SHRIMP ARE TRIUMPHANT AGAINST ME!** Wait…you won't show that to Mustang, will you?" Edward asked the last part hesitantly.

"Nah, this is my own personal blackmail material. Byeee~~!" Hughes walked out of the hotel room, making there be an awkward silence between the group until Ed remembered why he had been shouting.

"NOW GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM!" Edward didn't speak to the Ling group for a month, he really was that pissed off with them.

* * *

_Ed has no tolerance for Ling and co., does he? Hope you liked this chapter :) special thanks to mshaly for this suggestion_

_Fma crusher xx_


	22. Chapter 22

"Look at my darling Elyica, Edward~~!" Hughes sang to the vertically challenged alchemist. Hughes was shoving a photo of Elycia in a dress into Ed's annoyed face. Hughes was radiating with happiness and even looked like he had borrowed a couple of sparklies from Armstrong.

"I've already seen this photo Hughes." Ed grumbled back, clenching his auto mail hand into a fist. Mustang walked over to where the two of them sat and looked at the photo. "You and Elycia have a few things in common, Fullmetal."

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT ME AND A THREE YEAR OLD ARE THE SAME HEIGHT YOU IDIOT!" **Ed had already said a short rant at nine in the morning- a new personal record.

"Don't be stupid Ed! She's three years, six months, eleven days and approximately seven hours old! Not that I'm counting!" Hughes joined in. "But you and Elycia both have your cute moments Ed."

"WHA-? **ARE YOU SAYING I'M SO TINY IT'S **_**CUTE?" **_Ed screamed, while Mustang roared with laughter.

"Fullmetal? Cute? Hughes, you are hilarious! HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH!" Mustang began to laugh again.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN NEVER BE CUTE! **NOT THAT I WANT TO BE YOU JERKS!" Edward contradicted his previous statement.

"You also have hair that you tie up like a girl would, which is natural for my Elycia-chan, but…" Hughes stopped mid-sentence and quickly glanced at Edward.

"MY HAIR IS NOT LIKE A GIRLS!"

"You two could almost be sisters." Mustang snickered at the crimson boy's face.

"**WHO'S SO MINI THAT I LOOK LIKE A THREE YEAR OLD'S SISTER? **HUGHES, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE EXACT TIME!" Ed cut Hughes off mid-sentence. "AND FOR THAT MATTER, **WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I LOOK LIKE A GIRL BUT CAN GET AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE OF MY HEIGHT?" **Ed shouted in both the men's faces. Hughes muttered something to Mustang, making both of them laugh again. Ed instantly glared at Hughes.

"What did you say to him?" There was a deathly silence for a few seconds before Hughes innocently replied:

"Both of you would look like sisters if you wore matching dresses."

* * *

When Mustang went to work the next day, he saw an unconscious Hughes sloped against his office door wearing a bright pink princess dress. He didn't have to go too far to find out who did it too.

* * *

_Firstly let me say when Hughes said he thought that he was cute, I don't mean as in he looks cute but that Ed can act sweet or child-like sometimes! Not yaoi! Child-like! Good, asides from that, hope you enjoyed this!_

_Special thanks to FluffyPinkness for the suggestion :D_

_Fma crusher xx_


	23. Chapter 23

Ed had learned the hard way that you never rant about your height to the soldiers of Briggs…

* * *

"So what's your name then?" Ed asked whilst walking a few paces behind a man wearing opaque silver glasses and his grey-white hair tied in a ponytail. His skin was also tanned like an Ishvalan's. To Edward he looked slightly scary.

"Miles." The older man grunted as a response without even turning to Edward.

"Right, right." Edward quickly replied. There was an awkward silence as the two of them continued to walk.

"So what's your secret Miles? Apparently everyone has one here." Ed hastily explained. Miles snorted.

"I can understand why you'd have trouble figuring it out. It's more subtle than your secret…"

There was silence for a few seconds before Ed screamed "**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT MY HEIGHT ISN'T EVEN A SCRET?" **Miles only stared at the alchemist before he began to laugh awkwardly.

"I was referring to your auto mail arm and leg…" Miles let out another small awkward laugh. A look of understanding came on Ed's face.

"Oh. Well, remember that **I'm not so tiny that Briggs is so big to me it's like a country because of my stature."**

"I'll keep that in mind kid."

There was silence for the rest of the walk.

* * *

"STAND UP AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN YOU BRAT!" Bucaneer shouted at Edward whilst stretching his auto mail arm. "When you are fighting, you can't be weak like the shrimp which float mindlessly in water." Edward had learned to get used to Bucaneer's animal speeches, but this one blatantly insulted him.

"**I'M NOT SO MINISCULE THAT I RESEMBLE A SHRIMP IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!" **Even Edward didn't know what he meant by his rant.

"Stop complaining and fight!" Bucaneer hit his auto mail arm loudly over Ed's head. It reminded him of Winry's wrench, but was more painful.

"I AM A MAN!" Edward shouted as he punched Bucaneer, but he did it with his left hand so it was throbbing afterwards*.

"Oh please, that punch barely tickled me." Bucaneer grinned a type of grin that scares all the children away from said person in the vicinity.

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT MY PUNCHES ARE GIVING YOU A MASSAGE!"**

Edward woke up a few days later in the hospital with a pounding stomachache.

* * *

As Edward and Alphonse were talking about their shared knowledge while in the prison cell, Major General Armstrong walked in to collect Edward for questioning. Unlocking the cell she said "Bean. Follow me. Now."

"**Who's so small that-"** He stopped when Olivier pointed her sword blade to his face a bit too close for his liking. "Finish that sentence and I'll make you regret I'm being kind to you by letting you live." She threatened menacingly and continued to walk. When she was away far enough he muttered "Who's so small **that you tower over me." **He continued to walk in silence after that until a thought struck him.

"Wait…you're being KIND to me?" Edward blurted out loud accidently.

* * *

_* If you know who I'm quoting you get a special mention!_

_How many of you would like to be featured in one of these chapters? All you have to do is in the review section leave your stats (eye colour, hair colour and length, gender), the name you'd preferred to be called by and most importantly, your height! If I get three today you'll be featured in tomorrow's chapter._

_Hope you liked this mini collection of rants!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	24. Chapter 24

"Welcome everybody, my name is Mr. Seitaka and I will be your therapist for the next couple of weeks. Why don't each of you say your name and what you want to achieve from coming here? Why don't you start young boy?" Mr. Seitaka motioned to Edward who was slouched in his seat with a scowl on his face. He stood up and glared at the poor therapist.

"My name's Edward Elric, just call me Ed. I'm here because my bastard of a boss Mustang thinks I have height issues. I'm sixteen and am five foot six inches."

"That's not what it says on your records. It says you are four foot eleven." Mr. Seitaka corrected Ed. Ed's face went bright red before he sat down again.

"Wow, you're so short! I'm taller than you and I'm only twelve years old!" A girl with dark brown hair and eyes said in awe to Ed.

"**I'M NOT SO TINY THAT I CAN EAT MY MEALS OF A PENNY COIN YOU BRAT!" **Ed screamed at her.

"Tsk tsk, we're going to have to work on your temper." Mr. Seitaka told Edward before looking at the girl. "Devil-chan, don't be so rude to him, now apologize."

_What a fitting name. _Edward mentally told himself before glaring at the girl. Devil-chan stood up and mumbled "I'm sorry. Anyway, as you've guessed my name is Devil-chan. I stand at five foot three, making me the tallest out of the rest of you." She sat down and stuck her tongue out and started to fiddle with her hair which was tied in a pony tail.

"Who's next then?" A girl shorter than Devil-chan stood up whilst tucking her very dark brown hair behind her ears. "My name is Katie but call me KT and I'm twelve years old. I'm here because my family is sick of me getting defensive of my height, which is four foot nine." As she sat down, Ed stood up whilst cheering "I'm not the shortest here! I'm not the shortest! In your face!" He pointed at KT. She instantly flared up.

"I'm only two inches shorter than you and I'm four years younger than you. Midget." She curtly replied.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT MY VOICE IS SO HIGH THAT DOGS CAN'T EVEN HEAR MY HIGH PITCHED SCREAMS!" **Ed screamed at KT.

"MICRO MIDGET!" KT shouted back.

"**I AM NOT A MEMBER OF A FLEA CIRCUS!"**

"THEY WOULDN'T ACCEPT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO SMALL FOR THEM!"

"WHAT?"

"BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!" A boy with bright emerald eyes interrupted them. They both turned to glare at them but he only ignored them. "Moving on, my name is Charlie. I am four foot seven and I'm here because I don't want to be the only small person my age that I know. In case you're wondering I keep my black hair long so it makes me look taller. Your turn." Charlie pointed to the other male in the group.

"I'm called Nut and I'm also four foot seven. I'm here because I want to make new friends. Nice to meet you all." His blue eyes scanned the room, looking at each person individually. He moved his brown har out of his eyes as he looked at the last girl in the group. She stood up as Nut sat down.

"Right. I'm Ren. I'm five foot one which makes me the second tallest out of all of us."

"Oh shut up." Edward mumbled. Ren's bluey grey eyes just stared coldly at him as she sat down.

"Very good." Mr. Seitaka told the group. "Now I want you to call another member small, but really mean it. This is so I can see how you react to it."

Devil-chan instantly turned on Ed. "You are a puny runt."

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A RUNT THAT AN ICE CUBE LOOKS LIKE THE ARCTIC TO ME!" **Ed shouted back as a response. KT then turned to Ed, thinking it would be fun to also call him short.

"Hey Ed, I can't see you did you leave? Oh there you are, you're so small that I couldn't see you sitting there." She grinned at the pissed off alchemist.

"**WHO IS SO MUCH OF A PIPSQUEAK THAT BULLDOGS LOOK LIKE THE YETI TO ME?" **Edward was too lazy to change his format of short rant. Right then Ren, Charlie and Nut turned on him and said

"Shorty, shorty, such a little shortie!"

"**I'M NOT SHORT, YOU'RE EVEN SHORTER!" **He screamed back, and decided to count that as a short rant.

"Well yeah, but your sixteen." Nut went up to the alchemist and patted his head.

"Don't pet me!" He snapped at Nut. Ren went up to Edward and whispered something in his ear.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT THE ONLY THING WHICH MAKES ME HOT IS MY HEIGHT AND NOT MY OTHER LOOKS!" **Edward's face was flushed red. He looked around for the therapist but Mr. Seitaka had already left the room ages ago. Sighing, Edward clapped his hands and suddenly the five other 'patients' were stuck in a cage.

"What the hell was that for?" Charlie shouted to Edward while looking for a way out.

"For calling me so tiny that **I could fly on one of those cocktail umbrellas, tinier than an atom and more miniscule than a toenail." **Edward said those three rants in one breath whilst glaring at them all, especially at KT. "Now if you excuse me, I have to go murder that bastard of a colonel." Edward walked out the room as Ren was shouting "Let us out!" Edward only let out an evil laugh as he shut the door behind him with a slam.

"Ooh, I have an idea!" Devil-chan sang. "Trust me, if you sing along with me he'll get so angry he'll destroy this building." Once she told them the lyrics they each sang, and she came up with this limerick:

"There once lived an alchemist who was smaller than a thumb," Devil-chan started.

"In fact he was so small that his brain was so tiny which made him dumb" KT next sang.

"He was sixteen and called Ed Elric" Charlie continued

"But we called him short and his brain melted" Ren sang, ignoring that didn't properly count as a rhyme.

"That pipsqueak who's smaller than a thumb" Nut finished.

* * *

Next week, all five of them woke up in a hospital room with bandages on their heads.

"Well at least we got out." Devil-chan said weakly whilst doing an awkward laugh.

* * *

_Thank you so much to everyone who submitted their character, I appreciate it so much! I tired balancing out the roles equally so sorry if you feel you weren't featured as much as the others. This chapter is longer because of the new characters and also because I didn't update yesterday._

_Fma crusher xx_


	25. Chapter 25

Alphonse walked past his brother's room but stopped when he could hear his brother muttering and laughing to himself. Deciding to check to make sure his older brother wasn't going mad, he opened the door and saw his brother writing in a book at the desk. Edward noticed Al was in the bedroom and shut his book quickly.

"Hey Al, what do you want?" Ed asked his brother hesitantly.

"Brother…what are you writing which is making you giggle?" Alphonse looked at the book's cover which said (in Edward's hand writing) _Alchemy for brainless idiots._

"I never would've guessed you were a brainless idiot, brother." Alphonse laughed. He didn't notice Ed having a mental battle with himself though.

"Fine, I'll show you what I'm writing as long as you don't tell anyone else, ok?" After Alphonse nodded his approval, he slowly opened the book. Alphonse only managed to read a few lines before Edward shut the book again:

_**Who's so small that snow falling is an avalanche to my tiny body?**_

_**Who's so much of a pipsqueak that I could fly in a soap bubble?**_

_**Am I really so small that they made a high-power telescope just so humans could see me?**_

_**Who's so tiny that some people have made miniature doors for me to use so I can reach the handle?**_

"Brother…"

"In my defense, I can't think of short rants on the spot so I write them in here so I can memorize them and use them against you guys."

"What a small idiot." Alphonse teased.

"**Who's so small that you could very, very easily give me a piggy back ride?"** Edward would never shout at his brother when he was ranting.

"Ooh, did you think of that one now or was it written down?" Alphonse laughed.

"Al-PHONSE!" Edward decided to shout at his brother at the last second. "PREPARE TO SUFFER MY WRATH." Ed transmutated Al's feet to the floor and Alphonse all night had to listen to his brother ranting.

* * *

_I could totally imagine Ed writing them down! Hope you enjoyed this rather short chapter (no pun intended-wait was it even a pun?)_

_Fma crusher xx_


	26. Chapter 26

Riza's eye twitched as she read the detailed report that Edward gave him about his walk with Black Hayate…

_We walked to the park at 5pm and as we got there, a cat was lying down on the grass. Black Hayate thought that it would be fun to chase the cat so he ran after the cat while I was still holding onto his lead which made me run with him. I managed to calm him down and stop him as the cat ran away. People were watching us, so to protect Hayate from the unnecessary attention I shouted to them "__**Who's so small that even fleas can drag me anywhere! Who's so small that this tiny dog's taking me for a walk?"**_

"You ranted to 'protect' Hayate from attention?" Riza asked dubiously while Edward nodded slowly, not sure if he was in trouble or not. She sighed and turned her attention back to the report.

_We carried on walking on the pathway when a small boy came up to us and patted Black Hayate._

"_Go away kid." I told him. The kid menacingly grinned and unjustly called me tiny for no reason._

"_**Who's so tiny that kids taller than you pat me on the head? **__Now scram!" I replied to the kid._

"_Fine you pipsqueak." As he walked away I shouted after him "__**Who're you calling a pipsqueak so small that I can use twigs as crutches!"**_

_As we walked on, Black Hayate decided that it would be fun to attack my shoe. So I took him off my shoe saying "__**I know my feet are smaller than your dog toys because of my height, **__but stop it." We turned back once we got halfway through the park and we made our way back to Central HQ. The birds were flying in the sky and taunting Black Hayate to chase them. I held onto his lead tightly whilst screaming at the birds to piss off and we made it back here without any other event happening._

"Edward…that is the shortest and most off-topic report I have ever read." Riza stated in a matter of factly tone.

"I wrote what you wanted me to write." Ed replied, ignoring the fact that Riza said the word short and Edward in the same sentence.

"Fine, you can go." As Edward walked out of the room, Riza muttered "Black Hayate is never going on a walk with Edward again."

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_I decided to try a different method of writing the rants! Hope you liked them :) __Special thanks to Fluffy Pinkness for the suggestion! Edit: This is reposted because I just realized I posted one rant twice. (proof that I am not perfect!)_

_Fma crusher xx_


	27. Chapter 27

_Just imagine that they have televisions in Amestris with colour, ok?_

On the television, a new PSA was on TV. There was a black screen with white words on it saying PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. The words faded away and suddenly there was a white beam of light pointed onto Edward Elric. He stared into a camera with no emotion on his face. He was standing in a pitch black room.

"My name is Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, and I'm here to tell you all about short people." He melodramatically looked into another camera. "Every day, thousands of Amestrians are being teased for something they can't help. We need to put an end to this." He started to walk, with the camera following him.

"So what _will _a short person do to defend themselves from our cruel words? They might rant, for example **WHO'S SO SMALL THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO PRESS SOAP DISPENSER BUTTONS?" **Creepily Edward said the rant without emotion in his voice, in an attempt to make it more serious.

"Or they might slap you. The tolerant ones will ignore you. But that doesn't change the fact that short people are in jeopardy from our public. So please, if you see a short person in public and call them small, be prepared to be yelled at with **WHO'RE CALLING SO TINY THAT YOU CAN RATTLE ME LIKE A MARACA?** I'm Edward Eric, and thank you for listening." His face was stonily serious for the whole time. As it faded to pitch black, you could hear Edward shouting "I TOLD YOU **I'M NOT TOO SHORT TO MAKE A GOOD PSA!"**

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"Wonderful PSA chief!" Breda and Havoc laughed when Edward came into the office the next day. With no emotion, he looked into their eyes whilst blankly saying "I'll do what I have to for smaller members of our society."

"Shrimp, do you even remember what emotions are?" Mustang called to the chibi.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A BEAN SPROUT THAT THE TV CAMERA'S COULDN'T SEE ME, EVEN ON THEIR LOWEST SETTING?" **Edward finally screamed with some form of anger in his voice.

"You did well for sticking up for your kind." Riza kindly told the boy.

"**RIZA, EVEN YOU'RE CALLING ME SO SMALL THAT I AM THE WORLD LEADER FOR SHORT MEMBERS OF OUR SOCIETY!**

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_I saw a PSA online and I couldn't help but think what would happen if Ed did one for short people! Thank you for reading._

_I love all my readers and I especially love my reviewers! I appreciate you all for checking out my work :)_

_Fma crusher xx_


	28. Chapter 28

_I'm trying out Parental!Roy and Ed here…be prepared for an OOC Edward…_

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"So…you didn't find the Philosopher's Stone?"

"No I didn't you bastard, now is that all?" Edward sniffed at Mustang.

"It's just a _small _failure, don't get angry about it…" Mustang teased.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT I CAN SIT ON THE SHARP SIDE OF TWIGS!"**

"Now now, I didn't call you miniscule." Mustang struggled to keep a straight face.

"**WHO'S SO MINISCULE THAT ONE DROP OF WATER IS MY SHOWER?"**

"Give yourself some credit Fullmetal…" Mustang replied with a slight hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN FIT INTO THE HOLES IN SWISS CHEESE?"**

"Temper Fullmetal, temper. Do you think you're parents would be proud to hear you shout like this?" Mustang silently cursed at himself for mentioning a touchy subject. At hearing Mustang's words, Edward's eyes widened second before he quietly replied "But my dad's the one who's egging me on." Mustang had to strain to hear Edward, but when he did he was confused.

"But Hoenheim isn't here Edward." Mustang slowly replied. He noticed Ed's pupils shrink for a second before Ed sat down on the black sofa. "Hoenheim's a bastard. You're not as much of a bastard, and you look after Al and me more than that bastard did." Edward's eyes looked slightly reminiscent, and he refused to look Mustang in the eye when he sat next to Ed.

"Edward…"

"Just forget it ok?" Edward did a small sad smile at Mustang before he started to get up. Mustang stopped Edward from leaving and pulled him into a parental embrace.

"Even when I tease you, I don't mean it. I'll be here for you two always." He told the boy, letting him go from the hug. Edward looked at Mustang strangely before he smiled and walked out of the room. As he shut the door he shouted "Never make me say **I'm smaller than air molecules **or that **I can ride on marbles **to you!" Mustang laughed "I can't guarantee that."

"See you…dad." Edward whispered to himself.

"See you son." Mustang thought to himself.

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_Yup, I'm terrible at this-I personally hate this chapter, but I'm posting it in case any of you like this! Be critical on it if you review!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	29. Chapter 29

"Hey Ed, can you check if the teacher's coming in?" Winry asked from her desk, looking at her six year old friend. They were both in the local Risembool elementary class together and at the moment they were waiting for their evil math teacher, Mr. Uso, to come into the class room. Edward reluctantly got up from his desk and walked into the door and ran straight into the big stomach of Mr. Uso. He scowled at the boy and yelled "Don't run into me you shrimp! Go and sit in your seat!" He had short blonde hair and frowning green squinty eyes with red rimmed glasses.

"Don't call me **so small that my crayons are taller than me!"** The six year old Edward shouted back to him, sticking his tongue out at him.

"Shut up and pay attention to my lesson you brat." He barked and he wrote on the board:

_4x9=_

_5x3=_

_7x8=_

"Mr. Elric, would be so kind as to work these out on the board?" He asked with sarcasm in his voice to the annoyed boy. Ed walked back up to the chalk board as one of his classmates shouted "You can do it puny!" He turned around and chucked the chalk at the boy's head who said that.

"**WHO'S SO PUNY THAT THEY CAN'T REACH THE CHALKBOARD WITHOUT HELP!" **Edward screamed at him. Mr. Uso picked Edward up by the scruff of his t-shirt and literally threw him out of the classroom and slammed the door behind him. "That'll teach you midget!" As you've probably guessed by now, he had an irrational hatred of Edward.

"**I'M NOT TINIER THAN A GUMMY BEAR!" **He shouted back. When it was clear he wasn't going to get a reply, he sunk to the floor and just sat there thinking, his head in his knees.

_I never did anything to him, the old miserable meanie. He picks on me more than the other kids. He calls me __**smaller than the dirt on his fat feet. **__I hate school. When I get older I'm never going to school. He's made school hell for me._

After sitting out there for another five minutes, Mr. Uso opened the door and said in a stern voice "Get inside boy, and hurry up. Can your small brain understand that?" Edward looked up and looked him straight in the eye. "**No-one…CALLS ME SMALL YOU OLD MAN!" **As he shouted the last part, with his left arm he punched straight in the middle of his face, making a loud cracking noise as his fist made contact with Mr. Uso's face.

After breaking his teachers left cheek, Edward wasn't going to school for quite some time. He indeed left in style.

And he couldn't be happier.

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_This in a way is a back story for Edward in my story Ed and Al at Azumanga High and explains why he hates school. Hope this was a good chapter for you._

_Fma crusher xx _


	30. Chapter 30

"You ready, pipsqueak?" Breda smirked at Edward while he was saying one of his usual short rants : "**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T EAT AS MUCH AS A REGULAR-SIZED HUMAN!"** Yes, Edward and Breda were in a cake eating competition. Breda had already eaten five slices of cake, now it was time to see if Edward could match or beat his score. In two minutes.

"Three, two one and go!" Hughes shouted, clutching a stopwatch. Ed grabbed his fork and began to pile the cake onto it and straight into his mouth. He got cheers of "You can do it puny!" For one second, Edward stopped eating to say "**Who's so small that even a TV remote is bigger than him?" **and he flung his face back into the cake. After one minute, he had only eaten two slices so he tossed the fork melodramatically onto the floor and just shoveled cake in with his glove fingered hands.

"That's gross, chibi." Breda stared at the kid. "**Who's so**…** mini sized that when….mhm… he jumps out of an ornate first story window…mhhhpphh…people think he jumped out of a painting!" **Ed mumbled between eating.

"TIME'S UP EDWAD! YOU HAVE EATEN…SIX CAKE SLICES!" Hughes shouted, shaking Ed's hand wildly. "You're so talented at this Edward! Will you come to my daughter's birthday party in eleven months? I mean, of course you'd come _anyway, _but-"

"Hughes, stop babbling." Edward wiped his chocolate covered mouth. Breda looked at the kid before chuckling. "Impressive work kid."

"**Who's so much of a kid that when I sit outside, flowers are my chairs? Who's…so small that…a candle is my…heat…heat..heater." **Edward fell asleep, slumped onto the table. With all of the shouting, eating cake and a sudden sugar rush, he was too tired to stay awake.

"Aww" Hughes and Breda muttered, with Hughes taking blackmail pictures of Ed passed out on a table with chocolate sugar icing on his face and smeared on his gloves.

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_Hehe, I can totally imagine the last scene! Thank you to The Forseer Of Avalon for some of the short rants :)_

_Fma crusher xx_


	31. Chapter 31

Edward, Mustang, Alphonse (in his human body), Hughes and Winry were walking over to their places on the banana boat. They were having a day off at the beach and they decided to try out the banana boat. Each of them was checking out their life jackets to make sure they were fully fastened. Mustang smirked at Edward's life jacket. "They had to give you a child's one." Mustang snickered. He still couldn't get over the fact that Edward had to wear a child's life jacket.

FLASH BACK TO TWO MINUTES EARLIER

The person giving out life jackets suddenly came up to Edward once he sorted our everyone else's life jackets. He snatched the life jacket that Edward was attempting to fit into and gave him a kid's one. "You're too small to have an adult's jacket." He hastily explained to Edward.

"**WHO'S SO SHORT THAT I COULD RIDE NORMAL SIZED BANANAS IN THE SEA? WHO'S SMALLER THAN CLOWN FISH? WHO'S SO SMALL I'M JEALOUS OF THE HEIGHT FLEAS HAVE?-"**Mustang covered Edward's mouth and smiled apologetically at the man who gave him the life jacket.

FLASHBACK HAS CAUGHT UP TO PRESENT TIME

"Oh shut up." Edward grumbled. He had a little bit of trouble standing as he had to take out his auto mail leg and put in a plastic replacement because his leg can't go in water, so Alphonse directed Edward to his place. Once everybody was holding onto the rope of the banana boat, the boat driver suddenly lurched the boat into full speed.

"This is so friggin awesome!" Edward shouted in joy. "I love this!" Winry and Hughes screamed at the same time. Alphonse only laughed as he clutched onto his rope and Mustang whooped in delight. Hughes, who was sitting at the front, turned around and got a group shot of the group before turning around and grabbing onto his rope again. The driver turned the boat left and right, and they screamed and laughed until he did a sudden turn to the left which made all of them fall into the water. They all landed with a splash, and when they swam to the surface they all spat water out of their mouths."Well that was unexpected." Alphonse climbed back onto his place on the banana boat and waited for everyone else to come up too. Hughes and Mustang got back on again fine but Alphonse had to lift Winry on. They all stared at Ed who was stringing out a list of swear words from his mouth. He looked up at them and explained "My spare leg. I can't put weight on it, so I can't climb up. One of you needs to help me."

"You sure it's not because the boat too high for you to reach?" Mustang decided to mock Ed while he could.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I LOOK LIKE A WATER FLEA NOW!"** Alphonse sighed and lifted his brother up from his jacket and pushed him gently into his seat. The boat continued on, and they didn't fall off again, but the boat did do a few sharp turns and even flew out of the water for a few seconds! Sadly, all too soon they pulled up onto the beach and had to get off. They all jumped off and cannon-bombed into the ocean.

"That was so friggin awesome!" Edward told them, who all nodded in agreement. Edward hen suddenly took off his spare leg, which made Hughes scream. They all stared at him. "Sorry, I just really wasn't expecting that." Hughes explained. Edward sighed then tipped his 'leg' upside down, and a bunch of water fell out of it, with a couple of fish too.

"…" Was the general response to the contents of his leg. Mustang commented" You had that in your leg the whole time! Wow…" He clipped his leg back into place and took his life jacket off. "Just to clarify, **I wasn't so small to reach up in the air in front of me, **the stuff in my leg was also weighing me down back there."

"Heheh, you must be really puny if only that weighed you down." Mustang snickered.

"SHUT UP!"

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_I went on a banana boat last week and it was amazing! I fell off the boat and took me five minutes, with the help of others, to get me back up again -.-_

_*Brings out cake* Today is 200 rants! Huzzah! *Gives readers slice of cake* I love the support each and every one of you has given me! Thank you so much!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	32. Chapter 32

"Oh woe is me!" Alphonse melodramatically cried, pressing his steel arm against his armored cheek. Mustang's group, desperate to get out of doing paper work, followed the sound and saw a pissed off Edward standing next to Alphonse who was acting like there was a big panic.

"**I'm not smaller than a budgie. I'm bigger than cats. **I'm not smaller than a budgie. I'm bigger than cats. I'm not smaller than a budgie…" Edward was muttering angrily to himself. Havoc walked over to him. "Chief…is Alphonse ok?"

"NO I AM NOT OK!" Alphonse shouted, which made all of Mustang's men turn to him while Ed sighed angrily. "I'm getting sick of being so tall! I hate looking down on all of you! My height is such an issue! Woe is me!" Alphonse started to make crying noises and put his head in his hands. Louder and louder Edward muttered "**I'm not as short as paper money, **I'm not as short as paper money…" Havoc, Fuery, Falman, Breda and Mustang all began to laugh.

"Why are you laughing at my issues?" Alphonse sniffed. Ed merely snorted.

"Nyah, poor you. It must be so tragic towering over the rest of us." Fury sympathetically patted Alphonse's arm innocently, Falman nodding in agreement. Havoc, Breda and Mustang got an evil glint in their eye and falsely began to try cheer Al up.

"It must be horrible being so tall!" Breda cried out.

"Being tall sounds like it's tragic!" Havoc continued. They heard Ed mutter "No, **I can't fit in the holes in Swiss cheese."**

"Don't you agree Edward? Your poor brother." Mustang finished. Edward groaned. "Yes Alphonse, poor you. Can we go now? I have to wake up early in the morning."

"Don't listen to him Al, he can't share your problem is all." Havoc laughed.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I SLEEP IN A BABY PRAM YOU JERK!"**

"You're short brother?" All of them just stared at Alphonse. Alphonse began to panic and flail his arms. "I mean I've heard you all call him short, but because of my tall height you all look the same size to me!" Edward took this comment the wrong way.

"So you're saying you're so tall that we look the same height to you?" By this point, Edward had clenched his fists. Alphonse slowly nodded.

"I don't care if you're my brother-you are so asking for it!" When Edward tried to punch Alphonse, his left fist turned red.

"Damn you! I'll win someday!" Edward shouted and ran off, cradling his hurt fist. Alphonse laughed. "Ahh, brother."

"Were you acting…" Fuery asked confused. Alphonse shrugged. "Only I will know that."

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_This setting was adapted from a suggestion by , thank you for the suggestion :D hope you enjoyed this chapter!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	33. Chapter 33

"Hey Fullmetal, I'm glad you were able to come into work today. I have a very special task for you." Mustang smugly told Edward as he slammed the door behind himself, his trademark scowl on his face.

"What do you want me to do because you're too lazy to bastard?" Edward lazily asked. Mustang pointed to the top of his ancient pine bookshelf. "I need you to clean the top of it. All of my loyal subordinates are working diligently-"Mustang's crew held back their laughter and pretended to carry on working-"So you're the only one I can ask."

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T EVEN REACH THE BOTTOM SHELF OF THE BOOKSHELF? WHICH IS ON THE FRIGGIN FLOOR!" **Ed screamed. Mustang only blinked. "What?"

"YOU'RE DOING THIS TO POINT OUT MY SMALL STATURE! I'LL SHOW ALL YOU STUCK UP MILITARY SNOBS THAT I HAVE GROWN!" Out of Mustang's fire gloves which he quickly snatched from the amused colonel he transmuted them into a washing cloth. Edward put his feet on the bottom bookshelf and slowly climbed it. "I'll show that…git that **I'm not so…small I can use these for…a ladder." **Edward mumbled, slightly out of breath. He pulled himself onto the top shelf and looked at the office from this view.

"**Looks like I'm not so short that ceilings tower over my head **at this height.**" **Edward stupidly said, considering all ceilings tower over everybody's heads. Mustang was sure to comment on that fact. When he did Edward only shouted "You only say that because I'm taller than you! Ahh, what do we have here colonel? A doll? How cute." Edward snickered as he chucked down the doll to Mustang.

"It's Elysia's! Hughes made me watch her, I was wondering where that went." Mustang explained whilst outbursts of mirth surrounded him. Satisfied with the colonel's humiliation, Edward started to flick all the dust off the shelf with Mustang's glove-cloth onto Havoc's head when Havoc wasn't noticing.

"He won't notice, he'll just think some smoke particles got stuck in his hair or summing."Edward snorted. Once all the dust had been removed and it was spotless, Edward jumped onto Mustang's desk, shouting "Finished! I have proved **I'm not tinier than your military medals." **Edward posed, Armstrong style, and handed back Mustang his former gloves. Mustang noticed a bit of dust hanging off the edge of the shelf and pointed to it. "You missed a spot, shorty." Mustang informed Edward coolly.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHORTIE THAT I'VE TURNED ALL OF YOU INTO DWARF DISCRIMINATORS? **THINK ABOUT THE DWARVESSSSSSSS!" Ed ran out of the room, making the office sigh.

"Kids make such a big drama over everything." Riza sighed.

"Hey guys…why has it been snowing on me in Summer?" Havoc pointed to his grey covered head.

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_Ta-da! This was so fun to write, I have no idea why XD _

_Fma crusher xx_


	34. Chapter 34

_A lighter chapter than usual with an Edward Elric who loves glow in the dark slinkies…_

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"Goddamnit you machine, I SHALL PREVAIL OVER YOU!" Edward pointed at the claw crane that he was playing on. "It's doing this to me to try to prove that **I'm too small to hold down the buttons." **Edward rationalized. Alphonse sighed. "Brother, it's rigged to make sure that you don't win. With your logic, it hates everybody then." Edward maliciously grinned when he looked at the gaping hole where the prizes were meant to go out, were you lucky enough to win.

"I'll prove to you that being **small has more credit than you all give me." **Edward rubbed his hands together.

"How does that count as a rant brother?" Alphonse covered his mouth when he realized he broke the fourth wall. Edward laughed. "I'm playing a claw crane game which weren't invented till the 1970's, don't worry about breaking that damn wall. To answer your question, because I said so Al!" Looking both ways, Edward entered the hole and found that he fitted with only a tight fit in the hole. "Hmmm, being **tinier than a clothes label **has its advantages I guess." Edward muttered. He pulled himself up and once he swung his legs over, he was sitting in all the prizes you could win, including what he wanted, a glow in the dark slinky.

"Brother, isn't that stealing?" Alphonse asked. Edward snorted. "It stole my ten cenz, so I'm taking the slinky. Equivalent exchange in my eyes." Edward picked the slinky up and covered it with his eyes and to his delight saw that it did indeed glow in the dark. Edward jumped into the hole he entered from and climbed out with a little difficulty, but overall unscathed. Alphonse sighed. "You really proved yourself Edward."

"You're just jealous that **because of titchiness in height that no-one else seems to have except me coz you all stole my height, **I have an epic tale to tell my grandkids. Forget fighting the homunculus and the national wide transmutation, no, I stole a slinky from a claw crane!" Edward grinned.

"You're more proud of yourself than you should be. But at least you're enjoying your lack of height. "

"**WHO'S LACKING IN HEIGHT SO MUCH THAT I USE MINI STEP-LADDERS TO BE ABLE TO GET ONTO A SEAT!" **Edward screamed.

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_This chapter is based on how I won a glow-in-the-dark slinky I got from a claw crane *beams proudly* hope you enjoy laid-back chapters like this! Oh, I also have no idea when claw crane games were invented!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	35. Chapter 35

_Yay for more lighthearted chapters! This technically could be seen as an OHSHC-FMA crossover._

"Who's next? Edward Elric, please come into the recording studio please." A bored man checked another unsuccessful candidate off his list. He was trying to find the person with the perfect voice to play the role of Tamaki Suoh in the anime Ouran High School Host Club. The reason that Ed was auditioning was because Mustang and him had made a bet for 100 cenz that Edward couldn't get the role. Edward stomped into the recording room and adjusted the microphone to his height.

"No-one's ever adjusted the height that low before." The man with the clipboard snickered.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT I CAN ONLY DREAM OF BEING AS TALL AS THE STAND!" **Edward shouted back. After a few seconds of awkward silence, the man sighed and handed him the script Edward would be reading from. "Just read these lines with the timing of the mouth-flaps." Edward looked at the script and quickly counted the syllables. After some quick and logical thinking, he was ready to go.

At Tamaki's first speaking role Edward shouted in an elegant manner which fitted Tamaki "**I'm not short, my maid is shorter than me, Tamaki, the host king!" **The man with the clip-board struggled to hold back his laughter when he saw the audio fit the visuals perfectly. Then 'Tamaki' replied to Haruhi's speaking "**Do ants only exist to make me look taller?" **The man with the clipboard let out a small chuckle but then officially told Edward "Make him say one more short rant and you're outta here kid. Shame, you suit him so well…" The clipboard dude muttered the last part wistfully.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A KID THAT THE SCHOOL BLAZER IS A DRESS ON ME!" **Edward also made this rant fit in with the visual, so at least he left with style. He skipped out of the booth and he brightly told the man "I would totally watch the anime if he had a short complex." That got the man to laugh at Edward and it made him rub his beard thoughtfully…

When the first episode of Ouran broadcasted on TV, Tamaki did indeed have a short rant, pieced together from Edward's saved vocals on the computer: **"Who's too small to run a club where charming boys entertain charming girls at Ouran Academy?" ,**even though Tamaki isn't actually short.

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_Aah, I love crossing over different voice-actors. If you've never seen Ouran, sorry, you might not understand this chapter so well :/_

_Fma crusher xx_


	36. Chapter 36

"Yo Fullmetal squirt, I have a new mission for you." Mustang called as soon as the annoyed teenage boy grudged into the room. Instantly his tired eyes lit up.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SQUIRT THAT I CAN'T USE LIFTS BECAUSE THE BUTTONS ARE TOO HIGH UP FOR ME TO REACH!" **Edward shouted, making his superior officer cover his ears. Mustang then uncovered his ears and told him the mission:

"We have a very important...guest whom I'm going to be meeting after work at seven o clock. I have been chosen to take her to dinner. However, I don't want her to get the wrong idea, so..."

"In other words, you're taking out a girl for dinner as a date." Edward sighed when Mustang nodded. "But how the hell do I fit into all of this?"

"Well...I want to show the girl I'm mature...so I was wondering if...you'd masquerade as my six year old son?" Mustang asked meekly, twiddling his fingers together. Ed turned a very nasty shade of red.

"BE PREPARED FOR YOUR EARS TO _BLEED_! **WHO'S SO TINY FOR A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO ACT AS A SIX YEAR OLD BOY EASILY? WHO'S SO TINY THAT YOU'D THINK I'M SO GULLIBLE TO ACTUALLY **_**WANT **_**TO ACT AS YOUR SON? **I MEAN WOW, YOU'VE REALLY GOT YOUR HOPES UP THERE!" Edward screamed. Mustang smirked. "I know...but if you don't do it, I'm afraid I'd have to let you go." Edward just glared at the man, reminding himself that Alphonse needed him to be in the military.

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Edward was standing next to Mustang, glowering at the older man. "You had to tell her I was six, didn't you? Why not twelve or something?" Edward muttered.

"Hey, don't complain Fullmetal. At least now you're tall for your age." Mustang smirked, patting the boy on the head.

"**WHO'S SO TALL FOR THEIR AGE THAT I HAD TO REVERSE MY AGE TO GET THIS HEIGHT!" **Edward changed his style of rant. Mustang snickered. "You."

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT SIX YEAR OLD CLOTHES LOOK CUTE ON ME!" **Indeed, Mustang had got Edward to dress the part. Edward was now wearing a red baseball hat with a white shirt and blue shorts. He was wearing his boots, but his auto mail was still visible. Mustang had reassured Ed that his date was used to seeing auto mail. Mustang waved at his date who was coming up to them. Even though Edward had no drink he managed to do a spit take.

"Wow, you weren't lying to me about your six year old son sir." Riza laughed and patted the boy on the head, going along with the part. "Me . Nice to meet you." Edward looked at both of them and ran off, shouting obscenities of his boss.

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_Aww, some Royai and a dressed up Edward there! :)_

_Fma crusher xx_


	37. Chapter 37

_Sorry for writing about Mustang a lot recently ^^;_

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"Oh, I have a paper that I think you should see." Mustang rummaged around his desk and pulled out a paper and handed it to Edward. As Edward read through it, he had to resist the urge to punch Mustang in the stomach. However, he settled for kicking him on his leg with his auto mail leg. "What the hell?" Edward bluntly asked. Mustang just smirked.

"I have connections so I made this possible. I don't see why you should be getting angry, it's helping you and other like you."

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT WE'RE OUR OWN SPECIES?"**Edward screamed back at Mustang.

"Oh I'm glad to see you read it. But did you read the last part?" Indeed, Mustang had filed in a submission to the National Zoologists for making small people their own species, but that wasn't all...

"WHAT THE DAMN BLOODY HELL YOU BASTARD ! **WHO'S SO TINY THAT I CAN'T SWALLOW SWEETCORN! WHO'S SO SMALL THAT ARMSTRONG SCARES ME?** OH WAIT, HE SCARES US ALL, BUT THAT'S NOT MY POINT! ANSWER ME THIS MUSTANG, HOW THE HELL ARE SHORT PEOPLE _ENDANGERED!" _Edward shouted at Mustang, his face turning redder than his traditional coat. Yup, it became official that people less than five feet tall at the age of fifteen were considered endangered.

Mustang just nodded innocently. "I want to look out for you Fullmetal."

"**I'M TALLER THAN GRAINS OF RICE YOU JERK! I'M NOT SHORTER THAN PETALS! **IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I CAN LOOK AFTER MYSELF WITHOUT BEING A DAMN ENDANGERED SPECIES!" Edward shouted. He stormed out the room, taking the only record of the new species with him.

"What are you doing?" Mustang carefully asked.

Edward only grinned, and transmuted his arm into a blade. "Proving that **I'm not so tiny that you can fit me inside a sock?" **Edward ripped the paper into small pieces, and slammed the door behind him as he exited the room, shouting how he's going to kill his bastard of a boss and rambling on about human rights.

* * *

_Yeah...don't ask what inspired this XD_

_Fma crusher xx_


	38. Chapter 38

_Let me say that I don't know a thing about cars so I'm sorry if I don't get the terms right and whatnot^^;_

_

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_

"Put the key into the engine you shrimp." Pinako reminded Edward. She was the person who was unfortunate to have to teach Edward how to drive.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT I USUALLY HAVE TO WEAR BOOSTER SEATS WHEREVER I SIT DOWN!" **Edward shouted as he put the key into the ignition and started the car.

"Pay attention when you're driving!" Pinako whacked Edward's left hand with her pipe hardly, making him cry out in pain. "Focus! Now press the pedal there with your foot...press it..._press it Edward."_ Pinako told the boy who looked frustrated.

"Err, because **my legs are actually shorter than tree stumps, **I can't reach the pedal." Edward awkwardly told his Granny who only laughed. "Hey, **don't laugh at my condition of being smaller than a screw on the car." **Pinako sighed and adjusted Ed's chair to the nearest it would go to the pedal and with a bit of stretching of his leg, he could reach the pedal. Carefully, he drove down the road.

"Hey, I'm driving! Awesome! Though walking's easier..."Edward complained.

"You small idiot! Driving means you're growing up." Pinako quipped.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT THUMBELINA IS BIGGER THAN HIM? WHO'S TINIER THAN DIRT!" **Edward shouted.

"Ed keep your eye on the road!" Pinako shouted. Thank goodness Edward instantly put his foot on the break, so they crashed very slowly into the tree which was in a field.

"Damnit, I better get out before Granny kills me." Edward thought to himself.

* * *

_Ta-da! Yeah, a lack of detail here cos I have NO idea how cars work O.o_

_Fma crusher xx_


	39. Chapter 39

"Hello children, I'm Edward Elric. Do any of you know who I am?" Edward Elric lazily asked the middle school students who were sitting in front of him. To educate the public about Sate Alchemists, all the State Alchemists had to go to public areas to give presentations about it.

Mustang had to give a presentation to pyrophobics in therapy (bad choice by the military) and Armstrong had to give presentations at senior citizen homes. Edward was assigned to go to a middle school to give his presentations. Alphonse didn't go with him because they were worried he would attract too much attention with his armour.

All of the children shook their heads except for one who shouted "Are you the Fullmetal Shrimp people keep talking about?" Edward's eyes flashed dangerously at the twelve year old boy "**WHO'RE YOU CALLING A SHIRMP SO SMALL THAT WHEN I GO ON SWINGS I FLY OF THEM!" **Everyone just stared at him before he continued "I am the Fullmetal Alchemist and I am the youngest State Alchemist in history as I joined when I was twelve."

"If you're an alchemist, can't you make yourself taller?" A girl in the front asked.

"That would be called human transmutation which is a taboo for alchemists to perform. **Besides, I'm not short; the media's been lying to you as to what short and what tall is!"**

Edward coughed to stop the people staring at his outburst. "Now, who can tell me what alchemy is?" A boy sitting in the back of the room raised his hand. "It's the science of understanding matter, reconstruction and decomposition." Edward nodded at him. "Right. To do alchemy you will usually need to use a transmutation circle like this one." He held up a big paper poster with a transmutation circle on it.

"But you can do alchemy without a circle? Why's that?" The boy who called him a shrimp before asked him. Edward racked his brain for an excuse, he didn't want to traumatise the kids.

"Because I'm awesome that's why."

"But you're a shrimp, how can you be awesome?" Another student asked, which made Edward turn his auto mail hand into a fist.

"**DON'T JUDGE A PERSON'S AWESOMENESS BY THEIR HEIGHT! **Just a warning to you girls, don't judge a man's worth by his height either!" He shouted. "Right...so now you know the basics of doing alchemy. Can anybody tell me the law of equivalent exchange?" They just stared at him. "Equivalent exchange is the most important law in alchemy. To gain something, something of an equal value must be lost. You cannot create something out of nothing if you use alchemy on its own."

"What about the Philosopher's Stone?" A kid asked.

"The Philosopher's Stone does exist...but you should never seek it. No-one needs it." Edward told the kid, begging they wouldn't ask why.

"Oh I get it. The stone's so big it can't fit in your puny hands." She odded to herself.

"**I'M NOT SO SMALL THAT INANIMATE OBJECTS HAVE AN IRRATIONAL HATRID OF ME! **YOU IDIOTS! **JUST BECAUSE I'M SMALL DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T DESERVE RESPECT! **I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO KILL ALL OF YOU WITH MY ALCHEMY RIGHT NOW!" a teacher ran up to the stage and literally kicked Edward out of the school.

* * *

AT WORK THE NEXT DAY

"So how'd the presentation go Fullmetal?" Mustang asked.

"Er...it went well." Edward fake grinned, secretly hating any kids between the ages of ten to fourteen. Damn middle school kids.

* * *

_No offense to middle school students, remember Ed said it, not me!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	40. Chapter 40

"Remember what day it is today?" Mustang asked his office. Everyone just stared at each other and shook their heads. "Today is picture day, the day where we take a picture of everyone annually. It's a good thing Alphonse and Fullmetal are here today."

"Bleh, I hate pictures. I always turn out rubbish in them." Edward complained, trying to get his antenna to stick up higher. "Let me say what you meant to say. Remove the word rubbish and insert tiny." Havoc laughed, ruffling the kid's head.

"**Who's so tiny that I'll have to go on a pedestal just to be seen with you guys?" **Edward grumbled, fixing his hair. The office only laughed at the kid. "Anyway, it's time to go." Mustang led the way with the rest of the office following him. Alphonse asked Edward "Brother, how's my hair?Does it look good? Do I look good?" Edward scoffed at Alphonse. "You look fine Alphonse, quit worrying. At the moment, do I look **so small that you'd have to squint to see me?" **Alphonse only laughed, not giving his brother a reply.

* * *

Alright everyone, get into position!" Hughes brightly shouted to the group as soon as they stepped foot into the photo room. Mustang, Hawkeye, Edward and Alphonse rushed to the back row, leaving Havoc, Fuery, Breda and Falman to stand in the first row. Hughes had to get Edward angry though...

"Er, Edward, can you swap places with havoc? Because...of your height, or lack of it in this case." Hughes muttered.

"**Who's so small that the only way the camera can see me is if I stand right in front of it!" **Edward shouted, but complied with Hughes orders.

* * *

A few weeks later Hughes got the picture developed and showed it to them. No-one had any complaints with the photo except for Ed.

"Damnit, compared to you guys, **I look so small that you don't even notice I'm there." **He complained.

* * *

_Today we had our photo's taken so this popped to mind. Tomorrow we reach the half way point for these rants! Hurray! Oh, I have a question to ask you all. If you were the writer of Homunculus: Ultimate Chef (my other story) what would you make the Homunculus cook? I'm kind of stuck on that at the moment -.- Tell me in the reviews!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	41. Chapter 41

"Brother...are you asleep yet?" Alphonse whispered, watching his brother. When he didn't get a reply he knew that Edward was asleep so he decided to watch his brother, considering he couldn't sleep.

"Yo, palm tree...who...**who's so small that I can play bowling with potato chips for the skittles and an M&M for a bowling bowl?" **Edward muttered in his sleep. Alphonse had to hold back his giggle. He was ranting to Envy in his sleep.

"Wha...**don't call me shorter than your hair coz I'm not!" **Edward said more loudly, hitting his fists on the bedroom mattress. He then randomly punched his fist into the air, so Alphonse assumed that he punched Envy in his dream. "**I am not so small that my alchemic abilities are taller than me! **Enjoy this punch to the face!" He once again punched into the air, but higher this time. Alphonse decided to mess with his brother. He grabbed the hair from his armoured head and slowly and gently moved it across Edward's face. Edward started to giggle. "Envy...why are you rustling your hair across my face? It tickles, stop it, WAH!" Edward woke up to see his younger brother giggling at him.

"Alphonse, what are you laughing at?" Edward cautiously asked.

"Your dream. You were sleep talking...and punching to Envy. You punched him in the face by the way brother."

"Wahoo! Victory to Elric!" Edward sarcastically cheered. "Now can I go back to sleep?"

"You were also sleep-ranting brother." Alphonse added. Edward froze.

"Did you hear my rants about me **being so tall that I tower over flowers **or the rant of me **being so miniscule that I could lie down on a cloud because my mass is so tiny?" **Alphonse shook his head, which made Edward grin.

"Good, cos I'm using them against the bastard colonel tomorrow."

* * *

_HALF WAY THROUGH! Thanks to everyone who's been supporting me, I love you all!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	42. Chapter 42

"Al, I don't feel well. My stomach feels like it's flipping in my stomach." Edward groaned, clutching his poorly stomach. Alphonse sighed as he said "Did you eat more than you can handle again brother?"

"Hey! **Who's so tiny that if I eat two grains of rice I've over eaten! **Oh damnit!Ugh..." Edward clutched his stomach and lied down on the sofa, groaning in pain. Alphonse rushed to the medicine cabinet and pulled out some stomach pills. Panicking and not reading the label, he gave six pills to Edward, who glared at the pills before swallowing them all at once.

For half an hour, Alphonse watched his brother sleep, until he woke up. "Brother, is your stomach ache a _little_ better now?" Alphonse asked. Edward's eyes looked at him, but they seemed...strange. "**Who..who's so tall, tall, tall that I can tread on you?" **If Alphonse didn't know any better, judging by Edward's voice he would've assumed Edward was drunk. "And another thing...**why are you so-SHORT compared to me?" **Edward slurred, pointing at Alphonse accusingly. Alphonse didn't know what to say, so he giggled at his brother's thoughts.

"Wh...Alpho-on-onse, my headspinniniseelights." Edward slurred, clutching his head and shutting his eyes.

"Why don't you take a small lap?" Alphonse asked. Edward picked up some paper and a pen and wrote on it : "Hurts to talk. Will sleep. **But stop calling me tall, it makes me feel bad for having more height than you all." **Alphonse chuckled at the last part, but rubbed Edward's head carefully. After a while of this, Edward opened his eyes, and he seemed to be back to normal.

"Al, what happened?" Edward asked.

"Brother, does your stomach or head hurt?" Alphonse replied.

"Eh, not really. I feel better now. I had a dream that I called _you _**shorter than the most epic alchemist in the world, me! **I'm quoting." Edward quickly explained to Al as he was laughing from hearing his brother calling himself epic. "I'm going to the library. See ya!" Edward ran out of the dorms.

Alphonse sighed. Whenever his brother got sick he would always recover quickly. He picked up the packet of pills and read the back of the box.

_...Too much pills can cause hallucinations and wrong judgement._

Alphonse never thought that the box could be more accurate.

* * *

_Yup, changing Edward so he thinks he's tall XD it's a nice change._

_Fma crusher xx_


	43. Chapter 43

"WAH!WAH! WAH!" A ten year old Edward and an eleven year old Alphonse were walking in Central's park and they saw (heard would be a better word) a girl crying and pointing at a tall tree. They both walked over to her, and Edward left Alphonse in the comforting department for the little girl. She sniffed as she saw them both coming. Alphonse patted her on the shoulder and asked her "What's wrong? Can we help you?" She pointed to the tree and at a closer inspection Alphonse saw a kite was stuck in it.

"Brother, her kite's stuck in the tree." Edward grinned at the girl. "Let your big brother show you how it's done. Alphonse looked at his brother. "But I'm taller so it'd be easier for me to get it-"

"**DON'T CALL ME SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T CLIMB A LADDER WITHOUT USING A FOOTSTOOL FOR EACH RUNG!" **The little girl started to giggle, and Edward began to try climbing up the tree. The first branch that was closest to him was about ten centimetres from his head, excluding his antenna. After a bit of jumping, he got his arms to grab onto the branch and he pulled himself up and pointed at his younger brother, who was laughing with the little girl.  
"You're only laughing **because I proved that blades of grass ARE shorter than me!" **Edward shouted. He grabbed onto the trunk of the wide tree and began hauling himself up. After ten minutes and much laughter from the younger children he had got as high as he needed to. He tried to stretch his arm out to reach but he was still a bit too far off.

"You're just a _short _distance away from it." Alphonse supposedly encouraged his brother. His eleven year old older brother just stuck out his tongue. "Well if I was the size of a fly, I'd be able to jump far enough to reach it, **but I'm not the size of a fly **so that won't happen." He tried to crawl across the branch it was stuck on.

As he grabbed the kite he fell off the tree. Alphonse just in time managed to catch his descending brother, but he accidently tore a hole in the girl's red kite. She started to sniff again so Edward muttered to her "I'm sorry, **if I was taller than I am, which is short, **I would've got it. Here, let me help." After drawing a transmutation circle around the kite, he clapped his hands on it and he fixed the kite. She giggled at him.

"There. Guess **being tinier than the crust you get in your eyes when you wake up **can have advantages." Edward randomly said. The girl laughed and said "Thank you!"

Alphonse looked at the girl and asked her "What's your name?"

She smiled back and replied "Nina." A big white dog ran up to her and she jumped on its back, holding her kite. "Thank you big brothers!" She held onto the dog and the dog walked off.


	44. Chapter 44

"Gah! Get in the damn pokéball! I've gotta be the pokémaster!" A fifteen year old Edward shouted in frustration at his blood red DS, shaking it wildly. He was trying to catch a Caterpie much to his annoyance. Alphonse sighed at his older brother. "Brother, we're going to be late to Mustang's office if we don't go now."

"But Alphonse, I'm showing that bugger that just because **a damn caterpillar is bigger than me doesn't mean I can't defeat it!" **Edward whined to his fourteen year old brother who put his armoured hands on his helmet. "Brother, you're fifteen years old. Are you sure that you aren't too old to be playing that-"

"Ah but I've got a logic for you all that you can't beat." Edward grinned. "And it's thanks to...my...height." He muttered the last part. "**Because you all think I'm shorter than an actual child, **if I play a DS in public, no-one'll care." Edward cheered in delight when he saw that the Caterpie had finally gotten into a pokéball. "Let's go Al." Alphonse never noticed his older brother slip the DS into his red coat's pocket.

LINE BREAK

"Colonel bastard's taking longer than usual to get ready." Edward grumbled after Riza told him where Mustang was. "Oh well, looks like I'll have to wait a while." He plonked himself onto the sofa where Alphonse was sitting and began to play Pokémon again.

"Brother! What are you doing?" Alphonse cried in frustration. "You're obsessed, that's all I can say." Havoc walked over to their desk and looked at what Edward was playing. He grinned. "Ah, it's the same game my niece is obsessed to. Well, you'll be the shortest player of this game." Havoc accidently on purpose commented.

"**WHO'S TOO SMALL TO BE A POK****É****MASTER!" **Edward shouted at Havoc. Accidently shouting louder than he intended, Mustang heard his shouting and came outside his office smirking his trademark smirk. "What's the shrimp up to this time?"

"**YOU BASTARD, WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO TINY THAT IF I WENT PARACHUTING I COULD USE A TISSUE AS MY PARACHUTE!" **Edward screamed at Mustang. "Besides, weren't you meant to be getting ready?" Edward crankily asked his commanding officer.

"I'm sorry Sir, he didn't get any sleep last night so he's irritated." Alphonse chimed in.

"He didn't get any sleep because he was playing a child's game, am I right?" When there was no answer, Mustang snatched the DS from the boy's hands much to Edward's protest and burnt it.

"You're too old for this garbage shrimp." As Mustang turned around Edward muttered "**Who's so much of a shrimp that I can swim in a cup of water?"**

**

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**

_A couple of years ago my parents took away my DS when I was on it all the time This is based of that. Today's morale: No-one is too old for games!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	45. Chapter 45

"Fullmetal, because you blew up a mining area you need to community service, as ordered by the Führer himself. He left me in charge of your punishment." Mustang told Edward, looking at the younger boy who was now scowling. "Before I continue though, I'm surprised that such a small person could make such a big explosion."

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT FOR THE POLE JUMP I NEED TO USE A TOOTHPICK!" **Edward shouted back. "But what community service do I have to do?"

"Well, I'll let you read it here." Mustang passed the boy a file and greatly enjoyed watching Edward's eyes widen in anger.

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT I CAN'T SEE ALPHONSE'S FACE AS HE'S SO MUC H TALLER THAN ME! **WHAT THE HELL IS THE MEANING OF THIS MUSTANG?" Edward screamed, waving the paper in the air.

"Oh come on Fullmetal, it's not too terrible. You're just in a new production of a play called Snow White and the Eight Dwarves. They needed an actor to play the eighth dwarf, Shorty."

"**BUT I'M NOT SO SMALL THAT I CAN DROWN IN PUDDLES!" **Edward was quite angry at Mustang, but he had to do this damn community service. Edward, to get his anger out on something, picked up the papers and transmuted them into a mini chibi-Roy doll and began to stab it in the face.

"Fullmetal, you do realise I can see you right?" Mustang tore the doll from Edward's hands and looked at it.

"Hmm, it looks a lot like me." Mustang commented.

LINE BREAK

"Hello, you must be Edward Elric. Because you signed up so late all you have to do is rant on stage when someone calls you short. Can you handle that?" A lady with a clipboard asked him as he was being forced into a yellow dwarf costume. The hat had a bell on it which jingled when he moved his legs. Worstly, he was forced into stripy tights. It was going to be a long night for Edward.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO TINY THAT I AM AN EXACT REPLICA OF A GRAIN OF SAND IN THIS OUTFIT!"**

"That's the spirit! Now go on stage now." She pushed him to the edge of the stage and he walked onto the stage, but lingering at the side. From the stage he could hear Mustang laughing. He saw an actress walk up to him. "And this is the eighth dwarf, Shorty." The woman had black hair and was in a red and yellow dress. Edward assumed she was Snow White.

"**WHO'S SO SHORT THAT I CAN SLEEP ON A LEAF AS MY BED?" **Edward shouted a bit too loudly. The actress was so surprised by his shouting that she fainted on the stage. All the other 'dwarves' ran to the actress to see if she was okay. Edward just crept off the stage. He could still hear Mustang laughing.

* * *

_And that_'s _why there are seven dwarves XD_

_Fma crusher xx_


	46. Chapter 46

_As a request from Ultimateyaoifangirl , today is an FMA-Yugioh crossover!_

_

* * *

_

"Excuse me, but can you tell me where the nearest card shop is?" A boy with purple/black hair with blond bangs asked Edward Elric. "Err, down the street." Edward replied.

"Thanks kid!" The strange boy shouted.

"Hey! **Who's so much of a kid that I still use a high chair when I eat! **Besides, I'm taller than you!" Edward shouted after the boy. The strange boy suddenly turned around and put his hands near a pyramid on his neck. It began to glow and he transformed, which made him taller than Edward. Edward just stared at him.

"Who the hell are you?" Edward rudely asked.

"I am Atem, the person before was Yugi." Atem smugly replied.

_Great, when I'm finally taller than someone my age they have to have a growth spurt. Damn. _Edward thought to himself. "So, you have multiple personality disorder?"*

"Your comebacks don't annoy me young one." Atem boldly stated. Edward grinned. "If you don't like that, wait till you hear my ranting! **WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MICRO-BEAN THAT IS SO SMALL I CAN ONLY SEE YOUR LEGS!"**

"Huh, you're also an idiotic child. Interesting to note."

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT MY HAIR TIE IS A SMALL PIECE OF STRING YOU ANNOYING MORON!" **Edward's tactic was to wear down Atem until he collapsed.

"Oh, you have a _short _temper." Atem laughed at the kid.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU'RE STRAINING YOUR EYES TO LOOK AT ME! **BESIDES, AT LEAST I'M NOT AN ADULT WHO'S BUYING CARDS FOR A CHILD'S CARD GAME!" Edward finally had a valid point.

"At least I'm the one who doesn't look like a five year old."

"ED! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO RANDOM STRANGERS!" Winry appeared out of nowhere brandishing her wrench of doom. "Ahh! Winry!" For protection, he hid behind Atem, but Atem pushed Edward in front of him. Winry aimed at his head, but Edward, dodging all his life, got out of the way in time so Atem got hit.

"Miss Winry... that was my balls, not Fullmetal's head." Atem groaned, lying down on the floor. Edward shouted "That's what you get for saying **I'm so tiny I can see ant's teeth!" **He then took cover as Winry was trying to attack him with her beloved wrench.

* * *

_*No offense to people who have multiple personality disorder, I didn't intend to offend anyone._

_One of the lines in today's chapter was suggested by Fluffy Pinkness :) keep in mind that I haven't watched Yugioh since I was like eight, so there's a good chance some of the stuff I said is incorrect _

_Fma crusher xx_


	47. Chapter 47

Grumbling to himself, Edward was walking up to the librarian of the Military library (due to the fact he was permanently banned from Central library after calling the librarian there old). He slowly walked up to the librarian and to his dismay he saw it was Scheizca. He didn't hate her, but it would make what he wanted to ask a lot harder. He walked up to Scheizca's desk and asked "Hey Scheizca, you know every book here right?"

"Yeah." She replied. Edward started fidgeting.

"Is...there a book here which says how to make yourself taller? Without there being pain?" Edward asked, his pride hating him at the moment. Scheizca laughed. "Aww, is it coz you hate being small?"

"**Who're you calling so small that he can only see the soles of people's shoes?*" **Edward whispered, due to the fact that they were in a library. She patted his head. "It's okay; you'll get a growth spurt sooner or later. Now give me a second to think." He mumbled something along the lines of "**Who's so tiny that the top of a black forest cake looks like a real exotic black forest to him?*" **but he waited nonetheless. After a couple of minutes she started to blush. "There's not a book particularly on just the topic of growth, but I have a book in mind." They started to walk down an aisle and Edward decided to make small talk with Scheizca about his height.

"Why do people call me **so tiny that if they opened up my head they'd see my brain was made of one cell?" **Edward asked. Scheizca shrugged her shoulders. "No idea, maybe they just like to tease you."

"Well, can you spread a rumour in the library that I'm no longer **so tiny that I really suck at Twister coz of my height? **I'd appreciate it." She nodded. Edward grinned at her. "Here you go." She handed him a book and opened the page for him and she scuttled off.

"Growth spurts...some adolescents have later development than others in height. Some grow up tall-_yeah, apparently that happened to everyone except me-_while others stay quite petite." Edward read. "Oi, book. You don't even know me and you're saying **I'm so small that amoeba's look down on me! **Bwah!" He shut the book and saw it was called Y_our growing body in Puberty. _No wonder Scheizca didn't want to hang around long or he would've been tempted to kill her by tricking him into reading a book about that crap. Which was totally lying about Edward's height and all.

* * *

_*Rants credit of The Forseer of Avalon _

_Don't bother asking about the book's title, I just really wanted to put it in!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	48. Chapter 48

"Damn you Hughes." Edward grumbled, flicking state alchemist his watch open and shut repeatedly, a habit he had gotten used to doing when he was bored. Because Hughes was busy working on a case in investigations, he had asked Edward to pick up Elysia from Pre-school. Edward liked Elysia, but he had more important things to do than pick up a kid from school. He opened the watch and saw that the school should be finishing in a few minutes. Edward then saw a lady coming up to him and smiling at him.

"Why aren't you in class?" She asked. Edward instantly flared up at her. "**WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT I AM TOO TINY TO EVER GRADUATE FROM PRE-SCHOOL! **OF COURSE I DON'T GO TO SCHOOL HERE!" She laughed nervously. "I meant in a middle school, not here. Oh my!" She began to giggle.

"Ohh. Hey! If I went to school I would be going to high school! **Are you calling me so small that it's a crime?" **Edward snapped. She just gave him a bug-eyed look and walked off. Instantly afterwards, a loud bell began to ring and Edward saw what he could only describe as a wave of small children flooding out of the classrooms. Looking around, he saw Elysia and picked her up which made her giggle.

"Little big brother, you're here!" She giggled. He smiled back and pretended to be angry. "**Who're you calling so little that you can pick me up, Elysia?" **He couldn't help smiling at her as she laughed. She waved down to some of the children.

"Elysia, is that your brother?" A small boy asked. She nodded proudly. "He's sixteen."

"Wow, and we're nearly as tall as him! You must be small Elysia's little big brother." The kid pointed out.

"Hey! **Who's so tiny that I can fit in a crisp packet!"**

"YOU CAN!" A bunch of kids were now swarming around his feet and laughing at him.

"Oh go away." Edward grumbled, wishing that it wasn't illegal to injure a minor-he'd love to kick all of them in the shin. Just wait till they get older, at least half of them would be just shorter than Edward. Edward and Elysia walked off, and Edward put Elysia down, and she held his hand as they walked back to her apartments. There was silence until Elysia asked him "Little big brother, why are you tiny?"

Edward never picked Elysia up from school after that; not because he didn't want to but because Hughes would never let him after he shouted at her "**Who's so tiny that I get sunburnt by sitting next to a lamp!"**

**

* * *

**

_HUGHES! I really wish they never killed him off :'(_

_Fma crusher xx_


	49. Chapter 49

"Edward, it's been so long since you've visited us." Pinako greeted Edward as he walked up the hill to the Rockbell estate. Because Alphonse was in Xing, Edward decided to visit his Granny, but Winry was in Rush Valley.

"Well, it seems you've managed to gain some height." Pinako commented.

"**I AM NOT A WATER BUG YOU OLD HAG!" **Edward screamed, falling for her trap. She grinned.

"HUMAN FLEA!"

"**I"M TALLER THAN YOU!"**

"BUT I'M OLD!"

"**WHAT ABOUT RESPECTING PEOPLE WHO HAVE...HANDICAPS FOR THEIR AGE?"**

"Edward, being short isn't a handicap." Pinako sighed. Edward growled at her. "How would you know?"

"In case you've forgotten, the Rockbells are doctors' bean."

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A BEAN THAT I WILL GROW UP TO BE A PEICE OF SWEETCORN?" **

"You have a short temper...that hasn't changed."

"**GODAMNIT, CHANGE YOUR GLASSES COS I'M NOT SHORT!" **Edward ran down the hill and stomped off to the train station.

"Ed, where are you going?" Pinako called after him.

"TO THE TRAIN STATION! I'LL COME BACK WHEN YOU APPRECIATE AND RESPECT ME!" He shouted back. Pinako face palmed. "That boy needs to learn how to take a joke."

"I HEARD THAT!"


	50. Chapter 50

Edward was going for a walk around Central with Alphonse to clear his head after being in the same room as Havoc for nearly one hour straight-he didn't know how the others managed with all that smoke. Anyways, as he was walking down one of the streets a small brown Chihuahua strolled by him and stopped. It then decided to attach itself to Edward's right leg. By its teeth.

"AHH! GET OFF ME YOU MINGEY MUTT! **I AM NOT SO SMALL TO BE MISTAKEN FOR A DOG CHEW TOY!" **Edward wailed, flailing his leg wildly in any attempt to get the dog off his leg. He glared at Alphonse. "YOU COULD TRY HELPING ME AL! OWWWWW!" The Chihuahua attached itself to his leg even harder via teeth. Alphonse replied "But I don't want to hurt it brother."

"Al, I know you care about animals, BUT I THINK IT'S DOING MORE DAMAGE TO ME! **EVEN IF I'M AS SMALL AS A DOG BISCUIT, I STILL HAVE FEELINGS!" **The dog let go and stared at Edward with puppy dog eyes that only made Edward not want to kick the dog. "Brother, I think he wants to make friends with you," Alphonse whispered.

"Surprisingly, I don't feel like being kind back." Edward stubbornly turned away from the dog when it decided to start...

"Brother, what is that dog doing..." Alphonse stared at the dog while Edward screamed "YOU PERVERTED MUTT GET OFF ME! **WHAT, BECAUSE I'M SO SMALL YOU THINK I'M A FEMALE CHIHUAHUA! **YOU'RE SADLY MISTAKEN! **I AM TALLER THAN DOGS!" **He flailed his leg highly into the air and the propulsion made the dog let go of his leg and it ran off.

"**IF YOU CALL ME SO SMALL IT BREAKS LAWS OF PHYSICS **I'LL SET THE CATS ON YOU! MY BROTHER HAS PLENTY OF THEM!" Edward snarled after the dog. The dog whimpered as it ran off. Alphonse looked at Edward.

"What was the dog doing to your leg brother?" Edward inwardly groaned, he really didn't want to reply.

"Well Al, when a male and female dog love each other very much..."

* * *

_Even dogs have a thing against Edward for his height..._

_Yeah, a dog's tried humping my leg as well O.o not exactly a proud moment for me. This chapter was so random, don't even bother trying to ask yourself if I still have my sanity._

_HUZZAH FOR CHAPTER 50!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	51. Chapter 51

_WHOO! 300 rants already :D_

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It had been a year since Alphonse had got his body back, but he still needed to take some medicine to make himself get fully better. There was a side-effect to this medicine...

"Brother...why are you so short?" Yup, the medicine made him say stuff he would never dare to normally.

"Al, **I'm not so tiny my version of an airplane is a sparrow." **Edward reminded his brother for the fourth time that day. Because Alphonse was healing and because he cared about his brother, he would try not to shout at Alphonse when the side effects took over.

"But...I'm a year younger...but you're a _midget _compared to me!" Alphonse slurred, holding his head-he would also get headaches.

"**Who's so much of a midget that I have to use a crane to reach the bathroom sink!" **Edward whispered, making sure he didn't make Alphonse's headache worse. Alphonse nodded then asked "The colonel is way cooler than you brother."

"**Are you saying that taller people are more awesome than the rest of us? Are you hinting that compared to the bastard I'm smaller than his smirk? **Lie down, I think you must need some sleep." Edward guided Alphonse to his bed and laid him down. "That damn medicine." Edward grunted, tucking the sheets around Alphonse. It was the last straw for Edward though when Alphonse mumbled "Thank you shrimp."

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT I COULD LIVE IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? **Damnit, sorry for waking you up!"

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_The reason there are two chapters today is that I won't be able to go onto my computer tomorrow so I'm updating today ^^ 200 more rants to go, where did the time go?_

_Fma crusher xx_


	52. Chapter 52

"Come on brother, let's look in here!" Alphonse called to Edward, pointing at a toy store. It was Nina's birthday in a couple of days and they wanted to get her the perfect present. Edward tried to swagger as he walked into a child's toy shop, but as you can imagine, that didn't work that well, considering he was going into a toy store.

"Hello dearie, is there any way we can help you?" Two old ladies who were the shopkeepers smiled at the boys. Edward smiled back. "What toys are popular here at the moment?" He asked.

"Why, what do you usually play with little boy?" One of them asked.

"**Who's so little that Action Man could be my dad? **Ahem. No, I'm looking for one of my friends as we're buying a birthday present for her."

"Young kids these days." They both chuckled. Edward's eye twitched.

"**I'm not tinier than your medicine drops! **Actually me and my brother are shopping for a three year old _girl _who's turning four."Edward insisted. Alphonse nodded. "What do young girls like for toys?" Alphonse asked.

One of the old ladies thought for a second before saying "What about a doll? Or maybe a cuddly animal?" She suggested. Alphonse nodded, and the old lady took him away to pick one out.

"Brother, you stay here. I doubt you'd be able to shop for Nina that well considering your style." Alphonse pointed out, leaving his older brother scowling at the other lady who stared at him, as if in thought.

"How old are you, _young man_?" She put emphasis on young man in a maternal way one would say to their child, but this being Edward...

"**WHO LOOKS SO YOUNG THAT I COULD BE YOUR GRANDCHILD x ****infinite?" **Edward shouted before remembering that she was elderly. "I am twelve years old, and my brother is eleven. He's taller than me because he drinks a lot of milk." Edward added before she could mention the noticeable height distance.

"Hmm, I've heard milk's good for your calcium. It makes your bones grow stronger, and taller."

"**Are you hinting about my abnormally short height? Which totally isn't abnormal?" **Edward suspiciously asked. She shook her head. "No poppet, but I've just remembered something. I've heard that cheese gives you more calcium than milk*." She said thoughtfully. "And it doesn't taste of milk."

"You're awesome old lady! Thanks!" Edward shouted, giving her a high five. Just then Alphonse and the other old lady came back to them. Alphonse was holding a white dog plushie which resembled Alexander. Edward nodded at his choice. They paid for it and as they were leaving the shop, Edward could hear the ladies nattering. "Ah yes, the children these days." They both started chortling. Edward turned around and shouted

"**I MAY BE SMALL, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE ALL MY GORGEOUS HAIR!" **Alphonse steered his brother away from the shop.

* * *

*_I have no idea if this is true or not, so don't blame me if it isn't._

_The ages probably are inaccurate so this technically is AU. Sorry about yesterday!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	53. Chapter 53

_And the old ladies are making another cameo!_

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"Al...why the hell did you sign me up to help at the retirement home? Clearly I have better and more important things to do." Edward grumbled as he trudged along the street to the retirement home. Alphonse sighed at his brother's selfishness.

"What could be more important than helping out other human's brother?"

"Let's see, sleeping, sparring, research for _your _body, ranting, going to work, reading and eating." Edward rattled off to his younger brother.

_I like how you put sleeping as the top priority. _Alphonse thought to himself. "Ok brother, I'll make a deal with you. You only have to stay today as a short trial period or-"

"**WHO'S SO SHORT THAT I LOOK LIKE THOSE CREEPY PLAYMOBIL DOLLS WHO NEVER BLINK?" **

"I never said that. Fine, we'll stay just for today. Let's go in." Alphonse opened the door and together they walked into a big room to find senior citizens sitting in comfortable chairs near a fire talking together, and as they looked at the people-

"IT'S YOU LADIES!" Edward shouted, pointing at two old ladies who were working at the toy shop three years previously. Edward remembered them because one of them told him that milk wasn't the only main source of calcium and he was thankful for that. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

"Brother, be quiet." Alphonse hushed to his brother. The old ladies smiled, but Edward could tell they didn't remember him.

"I'm sorry, but have we ever met? My memory is a bit short these days." One of the ladies told them.

"**Who are you saying is so short that when I'm your age I will fit inside a mouse hole?" **Edward asked, not wanting to be lectured by his brother for shouting.

"Oh, remember them Mattie? The little boy who came into our store and didn't like to be called short."

"Ah it's them isn't it Zeena? And the armoured boy. Nice to meet you again!"

"Hi." Alphonse shyly said before an older man from across the room called for someone to help him out of his chair so Alphonse went to go and help the old man, leaving Edward with the old ladies.

"Why are you in a retirement home? You can't be that old..." Edward pondered. Both of them laughed.

"Both of us are reaching 97 years old now boy. I think it's time we get to relax." The one called Zeena told Edward.

"Hey, can you help us go over to those people over there? They're our friends." Mattie asked Edward. Edward held both of their arms and walked them slowly over to the other people in the room.

"Ooh, looks like the little boy has some muscle there." One of the older men guffawed.

"Hey! **Who's so little that I can go swimming in a rain drop." **Edward grumbled. They all laughed at him. One of the older looking ladies in the group of people said "You remind me of my grandson. He would always get angry about his height. He was such a kind boy though."

"What happened to him?" Edward asked carefully, not wanting to be too demanding.

"He was sent to fight in the Ishval war, but he was killed by one of their soldiers." She whispered. Edward hung his head.

"No need to be sad about it. I'll be joining him soon anyways." She comforted Edward. "I...have an illness they can't cure, so I'm just waiting here for my time." Edward didn't really know what to say to that so he just nodded.

"What is such a young person like you doing here?" An old man asked him. He had eyes like Mustang, but they had a withered look to them.

"**I am not so little that straws can't fit into my mouth!"** All of them laughed which made Edward smile. "Me and my brother Alphonse are volunteering here."

"That's such an insult to us. We don't need the younger generation to help us." Mattie scoffed. "We can manage on our own."

"**Who's so much of a part of the younger generation that not all my teeth are adult?" **Again they laughed. Edward thought that these people would be like what having grandparents would be like. For the next hour they all talked and Edward learnt all about what the world was like for them when they were young. Sometime, Alphonse sat down next to Edward and they had a good time talking. But time flew by too fast and it was time for them to leave.

"Make sure you grow some boy!" One of them laughed.

"I am not short!" Edward laughed, waving. As they walked out and were on the street again, Alphonse said "See? That wasn't bad now was it?"

"No, it wasn't." Edward smiled.

* * *

_I intended for this to have more humor, but I don't know what happened. I'm kinda surprised at how long this is. Believe me when I say it wrote itself!_

_I know it's kind of early, but for the people who submitted their OC's to me earlier, am I allowed to use them in another chapter? If yes, tell me what Halloween costume you want them to wear, cos you don't want me to pick! xD But if you don't reply, I'll have to make up their costumes, so it's safer if you pick!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	54. Chapter 54

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT IF I EVER GRATED CHEESE THERE WOULD BE A HAZARD OF ME FALLING IN BETWEEN THE HOLES!"** Edward panted, wiping the forming sweat beads off his face and transmuting a rock from the floor into a mini fan. He had just done a mile race against Mustang and lost by a couple of seconds. Mustang's logic was that the boy's legs are too small to carry him anywhere fastly.

"Want a rematch then squirt?" Mustang puffed, splashing his face with water.

"**I AM NOT A SQUIRT OF WATER COS OF MY HEIGHT!** There is no way in hell that I'm doing a mile again, but I'll do a four hundred metre dash." Edward's heart started to beat less now, after all he had quite a strong body. Mustang, who was still slightly puffing, nodded and they both walked up to the starting line. "Fine, but on one condition. You have to be ranting to me as you run."

"Why?" Edward queried, suspicious of Mustang's motives.

"Cos it'll be damn funny to watch." Mustang nonchalantly replied. Edward didn't have any logic to beat that point, so he got in place on the starting line, as did Mustang. Hughes, popping out of nowhere counted down "Three...two...and GO!"

Both of the alchemists set off at an alarmingly fast pace.

"**MY BODY IS BIGGER THAN A FISH'S SCALE YOU JERK!"** Edward screamed as he took the lead. Mustang only snickered, which was a bad idea as he lost more of his breath doing so. Edward seeing this, smiled to himself.

"**I AM NOT SO TINY THAT WHEN I RUN IN A RACE I AM LEAPING AS OPPOSED TO RUNNING!" **Mustang called back "You must be, with those stubs for legs!"

"**WHO'S LEGS ARE SO TINY THAT THEY BARELY COVER ANYDISTANCE! **OH YEAH, TAKE THAT YOU MORONIC COLONEL!" Edward cheered as he crossed the finishing line first, with Mustang panting a few seconds behind Edward.

"Congrats..." Mustang wheezed. Although he looked fit, his body was starting to slowly lose his youth.

"Nah, it's no fun racing against a grandpa. See ya tomorrow at work." Edward left the track, but he wasn't being yelled at by the colonel. Because Mustang was lying down on the floor.

Gasping for air.

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_If you want to submit your OC's for my Halloween chapter, feel free to do so. Name, gender, eye/hair colour and length will need to be mentioned (as will height) and what costume you'd like them to be in ^^_

_Fma crusher xx_


	55. Chapter 55

_I got more OC's than I can handle, so I'll use the ones from chapter 24 and then I'll randomly pick 3 of the newly submitted OC's :)_

"You two look so adorable together!" Havoc and Breda laughed at the sight which stood in front of them-Edward and Mustang wearing matching pink miniskirts and shocking pink lipstick. Edward's hair was put into pig tails and Mustang had to wear a tiara.

"**THE ONLY REASON I LOOK ADORABLE IS BECAUSE OF MY SO CALLED LACK OF HEIGHT!" **Edward screamed at them, his cheeks burning a brighter shade of red by the minute. Mustang didn't exactly look too pleased either and his eyes were conveniently fixated on staring at the floor.

"Why are you guys...like that?" Fuery hesitantly asked, as if he was almost scared of being forced to dress like that too.

"Because they didn't do their designated paperwork on time, so I had to do it for them. Using terms of equivalent exchange, this is the price they have to pay." Riza smugly walked into the room, smiling at the reaction of her colleagues and at Ed and Mustang's faces. There was awkward silence for a few seconds so deciding to break the tension, Edward shouted "**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT WOMAN'S CLOTHING SUITS ME!"**

"Edward, none of us said anything." Falman pointed out. Edward shrugged. "I know, but you were all thinking it. You're also thinking that **because I'm so small, my lips pout more which makes the lipstick really bring the shape out of them."**

No one really knew what to say to that.

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"Damnit, why am I having déjà vu?" Edward grumbled as he was forced into a sparkly pink dress by his brother. His hair was under a red wig. Alphonse stood back, admired his handiwork and laughed. "This is what you get for losing your challenges brother."

"To be fair, I said **Who's so tiny that if it's windy I can get blown into your eye and get stuck there **and **who's so tiny that if I had kids they'd be even shorter than **_**me**_ in one breath, I just couldn't say more."

"But I told you to say three rants in one breath and you lost. So this is your punishment. Equivalent exchange, no?" Alphonse teased his older brother. As soon as Alphonse took his blackmail picture of Edward, he instantly jumped out of the dress, put on his normal clothes and toss the wig to the floor.

"Why do people like me to cross dress so damn much?" Edward grumbled under his breath.

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_Surprisingly, these 2 similar ideas were suggested on the same day by different people O.o_

_Yeah, my penname's really long now, so I won't type it here._


	56. Chapter 56

"Now open wide little boy. This'll take just a few seconds." A dentist tried to comfortingly reassure Edward into getting a check up, and it wasn't going well.

"**Who's so widdle dat mi toofbwush iz a toof pikk?" **Edward told the dentist, who was by now holding Edward's mouth wide open. The doctor put on his face mask and when Edward glared at the doctor he explained "For hygienic reasons, not because you have bad breath." The dentist peered at all of his teeth.

"How many of your baby teeth have you lost so far?" The dentist asked. Edward held up nine of his fingers. Mustang, who had to watch over this as Edward's guardian, began to gape. "After all the fights you've been in, you've only lost nine of your teeth? I mean, _wow. _You don't even have all your adult teeth at fourteen. Looks like your still a child after all."

"**Who's so small that I'll reach puberty at 67? **You're not helping Mustang.**" **Edward quickly moved his mouth away from the dentist long enough to rant before he clamped Edward's mouth open again. The dentist carried on inspecting each of Edward's teeth. After about ten minutes of this, the dentist nodded and let his grip on Edward's now aching mouth go.

Mustang, who, being the caring boss he was, opened his eyes after hearing Edward moan "Finally, that took a long time."

"I think you'll be relieved to hear that the only thing wrong with your teeth are that not all your teeth are adult teeth, but that should sort itself out." The dentist was trying to be helpful, but he just re-pressed Edward's 'pissed-off button'.

"**WHO'S TEETH ARE SO TINY** **THAT THEY JUST GET IN THE WAY AS THEY CAN'T CHEW ANYTHING? WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT I CAN'T PROPERLY FIT IN THE DENTIST CHAIR OF DOOM?"**

"Dentist chair of doom? Don't be so preposterous." The dentist laughed. "But, in case you forgot, I had to prop up the chair with some pillows."

"Damnit, wrong answer there." Mustang sighed as he threw the dentist a cheque and dragged out Edward as he was shouting "**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT MY BED IS ACTUALLY A PILLOW AND MY I DON'T HAVE A PILOW BECAUSE IT WOULD BE MICROSCOPIC OTHERWISE?"**


	57. Chapter 57

"Due to the fact that the writer of the story isn't feeling too great today, Ed's just going to say five rants for you." The Fullmetal Alchemist narrator boomed to everyone.

Edward suddenly appeared in a room with a chair and a video camera in it. He sat down at the chair and found that there was a note attached to the video camera. It said _We'll return you back to East Command Centre when you say five short rants._

"Is that it?" Edward scoffed, crumpling up the note. "Ok, fine. **WHO'S SO SMALL THAT GIRAFFES ARE ACTUALLY REALLY LONG SLIDES TO ME? **Second rant. **WHO'S SO TINY THAT MY SHOES DON'T HAVE SHOELACES BECAUSE THEY'RE LONGER THAN ME? **

Third rant. **WHO'S SO MUCH OF A PIPSQUEAK THAT I CAN JUGGLE WITH FLEAS AND WE'LL HAVE OUR OWN FLEA CIRCUS STARTING IN ABOUT A MONTH AFTER WE FINISH REHEARSING? **That was a long one Ok, the fourth short rant. **Who's so tiny that I am like that annoying piece of gum you step on when you're walking down the street? **Finally, **Who's so small that I occasionally slip in between the gaps between floorboards?"**

A purple beam of light instantly teleported Edward into Mustang's office, much to Mustang's surprise.

"Fullmetal, how the hell did you get here?" Mustang asked, while Edward muttered "That had to be the easiest way to get out of a kidnapping. Ever."

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_Yeah, I'm like super tired and have a bad headache. Sorry if it lacks a lot of quality and detail._


	58. Chapter 58

"Hey Colonel Sarcasm. Here's the report you asked for about my month long trip." Edward nonchalantly handed him a paper which had three lines of writing scribbled on it in Edward's messy handwriting.

"Isn't it_ too_ _little _for a report for a month long trip?" Mustang dubiously asked, scanning the paper. Edward only wrote on it that if he honestly wanted to find out what happened on the trip he should ask Hughes, considering he worked in Investigations and probably knew about it.

"**WHO'S SO LITTLE THAT A LOWER CASE 'C' LOOKS LIKE AN UPPERCASE 'C' TO ME!"** Edward took the word 'little' the wrong way. Mustang, noticing this, continued to press Edward's buttons.

"Ah, it mentions here that I need to go to Investigations, but I only have a _small _amount of free time these days."

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT ONE OF MY HOBBIES IS RUNNING UP AND DOWN A PIANO TO SEE WHAT NOISES I CAN MAKE ON IT WITHOUT THE PIANO BREAKING UNDER MY SMALL MASS BUT I NEVER WORRY ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I'M SO DAMN SMALL!"** Edward spoke this speech in one breath, so he was glaring at Mustang whilst slightly panting.

"Ooh looks like it's someone's time of the month again." Mustang teased. Edward stared blankly at Mustang. "Huh? What does that mean?"

"Never you mind, Fullmetal." Mustang covered up. How was he meant to know the kid didn't know this stuff? Just right then, Hawkeye walked into the room, carrying Mustang's papers. Edward ran up to her.

"Lieutenant, because Mustang won't tell me, what is someone's time of the month?" Edward curiously asked, looking at her. She stared dumbly for a second before she blushed and swiftly walked out the room, hissing at Mustang "You and I need a little chat."

Mustang, gulping turned back to the boy. "Anyway, your report. Next time try to make them talle-longer. Try to make them longer Fullmetal."

Forgetting his previous query, Edward shouted "**WHO NEEDS TO GROW UP SO MUCH THAT I CHOKE ON THE ATOMS OF CARBON DIOXIDE YOU EXHALE YOU JERK! WHO'S SO VERTICALLY CHALLENED THAT MY ANTENNAE IS THE ONLY GROWTH SPURT I'VE HAD IN YEARS WHICH WAS WHEN I FIRST MADE IT?"**

"Care to add a small note in my guest book before you leave my office Fullmetal? I'm very busy and you're giving me a migraine." Mustang sarcastically held out a book for Edward to sign. As Edward wrote in it, he muttered "I hope your brain dies." Then he stomped out of the room, probably to go looking for Alphonse. Looking at the notebook, Mustang saw written in it:

_**Who's so small that I can see the ball in ball-point pens moving when I write with one? **__In fact I can see it moving as I write this. Bet you're jealous of my awesome skill Mustang!_

Mustang could only snort at the kid's musing.


	59. Chapter 59

"Damn it Al, why are you making me come back here?" Edward grumbled to himself, opening the doors. In it he found (much to his chagrin) all of his friends from short therapy-Ren, KT, Devil-chan and Charlie but not Nut. Nut sadly had a tall growth spurt and grew over 6 feet tall, so he couldn't participate.

"MWAHAHAHA! THE CHUCKENATOR IS TALLER THAN YOU ALL!" Charlie shouted as he saw Edward enter the room. Alas, Charlie had a growth spurt, and he was taller than everyone else at 5'8''.

"Nice to meet you all again." Edward grumbled. The others all waved at Edward except for Charlie who shouted "That's what she said!"

"Stop saying that!" KT shouted. She walked over and said "Glad to see you've stayed the same height Ed! Just as much of a flea as ever!"

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A FLEA THAT I CAN FIT IN YOUR CANDY BAGS?" **Edward screamed. It was true, all of them were going Trick or Treating and he couldn't help holding back a giggle at some of their costumes. Devil-chan was dressed as a cat with devil horns on. _How fitting. _Edward thought to himself. Then he looked at Charlie, who was dressed up as Chuck Norris. Ren was in a gothic angel costume. And strangest of all-

"KT, why the hell are you dressed as me? Well, how I'm normally dressed?" Edward asked KT, who shrugged as a response. Edward himself had grey clothes on with shoulder spikes and elbow spikes. He wore a hat which had red and white eyes on them and a spike. Edward was dressed as his younger brother.

"Can we go to get the damn candy now?" Ren whined. Devil-chan nodded. "I need to meet up with my twin sister!"

"You have a twin...great." Edward sarcastically muttered to himself.

"Let's go!" Devil-chan held the door open and they all walked out.

"Hey, we've all grown a bit taller except for Ed! Awesome!" Ren pointed out.

"**Are you saying I'm so short that I'm actually trapped in a five year old's body who is unable to age?" **Edward heatedly asked.

"Eww, I'm dressed as a five year old..." KT muttered, tugging at her clothes.

"That's totally what she said." Charlie pointed out.

"Why the hell do you keep saying that?" Devil-chan asked. Charlie only tugged at his cowboy hat as a response. "I'm taller than you all, so shut up you midgets."

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT THEY WOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR A BABY?" **Ren, Devil-chan, KT and Edward all screamed at the same time. They then all looked at each other and high-fived.

"Awesome, you guys are learning fast. I'm impressed." Edward commented.

"Well, you had to learn too, didn't you?" KT asked.

"Forget all respect I just had for you. **Am I really that small that an ant could talk to me and still not be able to see me?" **Edward retorted.

"OMG, That's what sh-"

"SHUT UP!" Devil-chan and Ren at the same time slapped Charlie. By this time they were walking down the steps (which was difficult for some, considering their costumes) and were nearly out of the building door.

"I want candy! I want candy!" Ren whined, staring longingly at her candy collecting bag. All the others nodded wistfully. "We'll get some soon." Edward told her. Edward wanted the sweets so he would get on a sugar-rush and forget he was with these brats.

"Let's go!" Charlie held the door for all of them. As they walked out of the building, they saw that the street was deserted.

"Damnit, they've already started! Edward, it's all your fault!" KT whined. Edward glared at his 'replica'. "Hey, how's it my fault?"

"Because you're so short it took you longer to descend the stairs." KT used her logic against him.

"**WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE IS NEARLY INVISIBLE TO SEE?" **Edward screamed. He then saw the other kids running off, and he went to go join them.

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_This has to be a two part (possibly three part) story. For the people who own these OC's, I hope I lived up to your expectations! _

_Three recently submitted OC's (at random) will be featured tomorrow._

_Three of today's rants were suggested by an anon. reviewer, so thanks so much! I really wanted to thank you :)_

_AEW Alchemist_


	60. Chapter 60

"Ooh, let's go there!" Devil-chan pointed to an old looking house where there was already another trick or treater. As the short therapy group made their way to the house, they saw the person was holding a head in their hands.

"Move out of the way shrimps!" She shouted, pushing Edward.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT I CAN RIDE ON THE BACKS OF SHRIMPS! **Wait..WAHH! YOUR HEAD JUST SPOKE! HOW?" Edward screamed.

"WAH! WHAT'S THE NUMBER FOR THE 999?" Charlie cried, panicking while Ren, Devil-chan and KT screamed.

The person lifted the head upside down, and the group saw that there was a bunch of machinery inside the head.

"It's one of my art projects! Pretty good huh? Oh, my name's Anna." Everyone nodded at each other and an old lady opened the door to her house impatiently.

"Take the damn candy and then get off my lawn!" She gave them all three pieces of candy and they walked away from the house. "Hey, can I go with you guys? My friends ditched me..."Anna asked. KT replied "Sure!" The group made their way to different houses. At one pf the more memorable houses, a man answered the door and tried to steal Ren's angel wings because 'they were pretty'. After half an hour they each had impressive loads of candy.

"Where do we go now?" Ren asked, swallowing a strawberry gummy sweet.

"How about down that road?" Edward pointed to a dark road with a few flickering street lamps. They all nodded (Anna lifted the head up and down) and they made their way to the first house.

"Answer the door, oh shimpy one." KT whispered to Edward.

"**WHO'RE WHO YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT A DROPLET OF WATER SUBSTITUTES FOR A BATH FOR ME!*" **Edward shouted before knocking on the door. A girl with mid-length blonde hair and brown eyes answered the door. She had a school uniform on which was covered in convincing looking blood and her face covered with bruises.

"TRICK OR TREAT!" The group cried, shoving their candy bags into her face. She laughed and gave them all a chocolate bar each.

"Hey, can I come as well please? I don't want my dead school child costume to go to waste. I'm Verity by the way. Please? Please?" She begged them. Devil-chan dragged her out of the door shouting "Yay! I have a new friend!" Edward sighed as they carried on collecting candy down the street.

"Hey kid, are you alright?" Charlie asked, patting Edward on the head.

"**Who** **you** **calling so small that I'm a cellphone charm you jerk.*" **Edward muttered, rubbing his droopy eyes. He was falling asleep, and even though he was stuffing his face with sweets he wasn't getting a sugar rush like he hoped.

"That's what... she ...said?" Charlie asked. "Anyway come on! It's free candy!"

"Yeah!" Anna and Verity cried, getting into the spirit of the night. KT shouted "CANDY! CANDY! GIMME FREE CANDY!" and Ren and Devil-chan started to run off to the next house.

"Whatever, I'm coming." Edward replied.

"Looks like the kid's tired out already." Anna and KT teased before KT grinned at the talking head.

"**Who's so much of a kid that a jelly bean is my meal? **Can't we take a break?" Edward whined.

"NO!" Everyone shouted at him.

"Forget I asked...anyway, where do we go now?" Edward mumbled.

"To that house!" Verity pointed to a house in the distance. It was on a hill, but because of the darkness it was hard to say much else. Ren, Devil-chan and KT ran up the hill, with Anna struggling to keep up. Charlie was walking slowly and Edward was trudging along.

_These damn kids...all I've done is eat sweets and get called __**so tiny that I can scale up the length of a book.**_

"Hurry up! Let's go in!" One of the kids called to Edward. Edward sighed and followed them up the hill and to the house.

* * *

_* Rants credit to littlenaoki_

_This will be a three part story after all. I still need to introduce the third OC ^^; Will Edward be able to get into the Halloween spirit? Find out next chapter!_

_HAPPY HALLOWEEN! :D_

_AEW Alchemist_


	61. Chapter 61

"Hello?" Edward called as they all walked into the dark house. Much to his annoyance he found that when they all stepped inside the house it was pitch black.

"Shut up Oompa-loompa, I'm trying to see if anyone else is here." Charlie mumbled to Edward.

**"WHOS SO SMALL THAT NO ONE COULD SEE HIM EVEN IF HE WAS STNDING ON THEIR NOSE WAVING HIS HANDS?" **Edward shouted before KT smacked him on the head.

"Be quiet! Damnit, can anyone see the exit?" Verity asked.

"No..."Ren answered, peering in the darkly lit room.

"BWAHAHAHAHA! YOU HAVE ALL FALLEN INTO MY TRAP!" They heard a girl say and soon the lights came back on. They saw she had long black hair with a green streak in it and she wore a black fairy costume. She was smirking at them.

"Awesome we almost match!" Ren shouted to the girl.

"Who are you and why the hell did you do that?" Anna asked. The girl only laughed.

"I'm Tania. What were _you _doing in my house?"

"Whatever. Sorry for bothering you. Let's go you guys." Edward muttered to the others.

"You can stay shrimp. I don't mind." Tania called to Edward.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT A LITTLE GIRL WOULD MISTAKE HIM FOR A GIRL?" **Edward shouted. Everyone else just sighed, and Devil-chan face palmed.

"We need to go get more candy though!" Ren whined, holding her already full basket of sweets. Charlie and KT nodded.

"Whatever. You guys can leave then, some of my friends are coming round." Tania waved them out of the house.

"That is totally what she said." Charlie muttered before Verity slapped him on the hand. She had only known him for about an hour and she already grew to hate his saying.

"Well now what?" Edward mumbled. Anna shrugged before checking her watch with her real head.

"Crap! I have to go! Bye guys, Edward!" She ran off.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I'M AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PECKING ORDER! **I'M WITH THESE GUYS!" Edward shouted after her. Verity sighed. "It's getting late, I should leave too. Bye you guys!" Ren hugged Verity before Verity left.

"Let's go back to the therapy room!" KT shouted. They all walked back to the therapy room and climbed up the stairs. Ren, Devil-chan and Charlie were debating who had the most candy (Devil-chan had the most, Charlie the least) so KT decided to talk to Edward.

"Did you have fun?" KT asked him. Edward only shrugged.

"I guess, I don't see what all the hype was about though."

"You're too much of a pipsqueak to see the epicness of Halloween." KT muttered.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A PIPSQUEAK THAT I CAN TELL YOU ALL THE PARTICLES OF AN ANT AS I CAN SEE THEM SO CLEARLY!"**

"Guys, cheer up!" Devil-chan put her arms around Edward and KT. "Just enjoy tonight!" Charlie put his arm around KT and Ren put her arm around Edward. It would have been a sweet way to end the night, but of course Edward had to find something to complain about.

"Ugh, you guys are so heavy. I can't even walk."

"You're just too short for your feet to reach the ground." The rest of the group replied. They were in sync when it came to taunting Edward.

"**WHO'S SO SHORT THAT I COULD PASS OFF AS YOUR KID?"**

"Aww, group hug!" Devil-chan randomly shouted, giving all of them a hug.

"Awww." KT, Ren and Charlie muttered.

"Hmm. You guys are annoying, but I guess I'll always have to put up with you." Edward muttered.

"Damn straight!" The rest of them laughed.

* * *

_Lame way to end it, but I wanted it to be kind of sentimental :D I hope you enjoyed this 3 part story, and if you didn't sorry you had to put up with it for a while. Thanks to unknown for the two rants :) and thanks to YOU for reading and also for the people who submitted their OC's._

_AEW Alchemist_


	62. Chapter 62

_Today's scenario was weirdly suggested by my brother..._

_

* * *

_

"Mustang...I know you lost the bet, but why the hell do I have to be with you? I mean, won't it make things more suspicious with both of us sitting here?" Edward grumbled, as he embarrassingly glared into his alcohol-free cocktail.

"Because Fullmetal I am not going to suffer alone." Mustang replied. "Besides, with you being small, the drinks are probably cheaper."

"**Who's so small that a goldfish bowl can fit on my head easily?" **Edward muttered half-heartedly, taking a sip from the drink before spitting out almost instantly.

"What is this crap made of? It's disgusting!" Edward wiped his mouth. The bartender sidled up to him before saying "It's made from love! Lots of love! Enough to fill your body!"

"Get away from me dude. Hey, **WHO'S SO TINY THAT I CAN RIDE A SNAKE?" **Edward shouted. Mustang sighed before telling the bartender "That's all thanks."

"Alright you two. Call me if you need anything." He bartender winked at the two of them before he walked away.

"What a creep. Hey Mustang, we've been here for an hour now, can we finally leave?" Edward asked, tempted to pour his drink over Mustang's head. Mustang looked at his watch and did a victory dance*.

"YEAH! THANK GOD THE TIME IS UP! LET'S LEAVE SHRIMP!"

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO ITSY-BITSY THAT THE CURB ON A ROAD IS LIKE A CLIFF TO MY TINY BODY!" **Edward shouted before sticking his tongue out at all the occupants in the area. "See ya suckers!"

"What's his deal?" One man asked, while another just shrugged his shoulders.

Mustang and Edward walked up the stairs and let the building to see Havoc laughing and rolling around on the floor. "That's what you get for saying I couldn't go without smoking for an hour. What's funnier is that the boss was with you! BWAHAHAHHAHA!" Havoc started to laugh until Edward kicked him in the stomach with his auto mail foot.

"Ow! I get the idea kid**-("WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MIDGET SO TINY THAT THUMBELINA IS TALLER THAN HIM BY A FOOT?*") **–Hughes, did you get them coming out on camera?" Havoc asked Hughes who stepped out from behind some bushes. "Yup, it's on this wonderful little device now. Oh my camera, how I love thee~" Hughes started to hug his camera. "Can't believe you went with him Edward. You're a brave kid."

"People, stop calling me short! **I AM NOT SO TINY THAT I CAN LIVE INSIDE AN ALARM CLOCK!****" Edward whined before sulking off back to his dorms where Alphonse was waiting.

Mustang glared at his best friend. "Hughes, out of all the places in Central to make me go, you made me go to a _gay bar _with Edward. I hate you." Mustang muttered. Hughes only laughed before replying "Love you too Roy! No, not like that!"

* * *

_*By Ultimateyaoifangirl Alchemistx_

_**By The Forseer of Avalon_

_With all these contributions from other people, I barely had anything to do with today's chapter XD_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	63. Chapter 63

"Alphonse, I'm going to go to sleep now alright?" Ed ward called to his brother, who nodded back. Edward climbed under covers and didn't make a sound. After ten minutes Edward grumbled "Damnit, I can't get to sleep! Hey Al, do you any ways of making me get sleepy?"

"How about I heat up a glass of warm milk for you brother?" Alphonse asked, earning a deadly stare from his disgruntled brother. " I don't care if I'll always **be so small that I can fit between the pages of the book and when the book is shut it will completely because of my height, **I am not drinking that white crap! Any other ideas?"

"How about instead of counting sheep you count kittens? Here, let me get my collection!" Alphonse made a movement to get up.

"I'll pass thanks. And what collection? Hey, you're using kittens instead of sheep as a reference to my height aren't you? You can't give me the bigger animals can you? **WHO'S A RUNT SO TINY THAT AN ATOM IS EASIER TO SPLIT?*"**

"Hmm." Alphonse loudly interrupted, in a hope to divert his attention (which worked). "Do you want me to sing a lullaby?"

"Please, I am the master of lullabies Al." Edward grinned boastfully, while Alphonse face palmed. "Not twinkle little star again brother. You probably ruined that song for Elysia now."

"Nope! Here's a different one to the tune of _row your boat_:

_I, I, I'm not small,_

_**Not smaller than a pin!**_

_Some bastards call me __**tinier than mice,**_

_So I chuck them in the bin."_

"The original songs were written for a reason Ed. Keep short rants and songs separate from now on, okay?"

"Stop trying to silence me! I am...**not so tiny that people...mistake me for...a kitten." **Edward's lullaby had made him fall asleep.

"Oh brother..." Alphonse sighed, wrapping the blankets around Edward's shoulders. "It's always about...your mass...when it comes to your songs, isn't it?"

* * *

_*Courtesy of Ultimateyaoifangirl Alchemistx_

_Yup, I have ruined another child's song for you guys! :P_

_You guys, thank you for sending in rants to me, but I have too many suggestions and because this is my story I would like to use my rants you know (not that I don't appreciate the thought of it)_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	64. Chapter 64

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT MY ANTENNAE IS THE SIZE OF A BRISTLE ON A PAINTBRUSH?**" Edward shouted to Winry as she connected the nerves to his auto mail arm.

"Ed...I didn't even call you short." Winry grumbled, wiping off the sweat beads on her head. She always concentrated hard when attaching his auto mail, it was easy to screw up after all.

"I know, but shouting helps me deal with the pain." Edward shrugged his new shoulder, and began to stretch his arm. After a few minutes of silence except for the creaking of auto mail, Edward's face harboured a grin.

"Just as great as ever Win."

"Glad you like it shrimp!"

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT I CAN FIT INTO BARBIE DOLL CLOTHES?** WAIT...I DIDN'T SAY THAT!" Edward hastily added as she began to get an evil glint in her bright blue eyes.

"Aww, I can imagine you trying on Barbie dresses!" Winry awed.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A RUNT THAT **_**I AM**_** THE BARBIE DOLL**?"

"But if you were a Barbie doll Ed, you wouldn't be as hot as you are now." Winry smirked as she pecked him on the cheek. No matter how many times she did this a blush would always dust Edward's cheeks. Edward put his auto mail arm around Winry's waist and pulled her onto the sofa he was sitting on.

"What is it? Did I say anything wrong? Oh god, you're not going to rant at me are you?" Winry groaned, wrapping her left arm around Edward's shoulder.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT I CAN DO FRISBEE WITH A COAT BUTTON!** Just kidding!" Edward held up his arms in mock defeat when she pulled out her wrench of Magic as Alphonse dubbed it (Al called it this after seeing how it had hit his brother's thick skull so many times and managed to keep its shape). Winry sighed as she leaned on Edward. "You're such a handful sometimes."

"I know." Edward replied. Winry looked at him.

"Then try to stop ranting at me."

"Winry, I don't care if you're my girlfriend, MY CAUSE SHALL NOT BE SILENCED! **WHO'S SO SHORT THAT YOU COULD EAT HIM ON A CRACKER!**" Edward ripped off his shirt and posed Armstrong styled for Winry, who couldn't help giggling at him.

"You make a great Armstrong Edward." Winry giggled. Edward's face took on a look of sheer disgust and terror. "Winry Rockbell, I am greatly offended by that comment."

She only laughed as she tugged his auto mail arm up the stairs to her bedroom.

"Right Edward."

"Gah, I hate you when you tease me." Edward fake pouted as he let himself get dragged upstairs.

"Love you too Ed~!"

_My...third(?) attempt at writing Edwin...please tell me it's not too disappointing!_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	65. Chapter 65

"Bean sprout." Mustang started.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A BEANSPROUT THAT GARDEN WEEDS LIKE TO MOCK ME WITH THEIR HEIGHT BY RETURNING EACH TIME I KILL THEM?"**

"Midget."

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A MIDGET THAT YOUR FLAMES COULD NEVER REACH ME AS THEY'RE WAY BIGGER THAN ME!** MUSTANG, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE PULLING ON YOUR GLOVES, WE STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS!"

"Fine." Mustang sulked, putting his gloves back into his pocket. "Itsy-Bitsy spider."

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING AN ITSY-BITSY SPIDER SO SMALL THAT I DON'T REMEMBER THE LYRICS TO MY OWN DAMN SONG!" **Edward screamed, panting. He was beginning to run out of breath. Mustang however, revelled in his subordinate's suffering. "Runt."

Edward managed to flare up again. "**WHO'S A RUNT SO SMALL THAT I'M SMALL BY THE TINIEST RUNT'S STANDARDS IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, BIATCH!"**

"Okay Edward, one more rant and then we can give payback to Hughes! Shrimp!"

"**WHO'S SO SHRIMP-LIKE THAT IF I EVER ATE A SHRIMP IN PUBLIC PEOPLE WOULD CALL ME A CANNIBAL?"** Edward sunk down into the sofa for a few seconds before sharing the grin that Mustang had on his face. "Let's go kick Hughes's ass!"

"This is what he gets for locking us in a couple's hotel room together and you saying five short rants before we were allowed out!"

Just then the door unlocked.

"We better move fast Mustang. The fan girls will see through the huge glass window that we're in a hotel room together!" They instantly rushed out of the room and locked the door behind them.

"Operation Kill Hughes is in motion." Mustang melodramatically pulled on his ignition gloves.

Hughes was found quite quickly.

They just listened for a camera.

No-body knows what they did to Hughes, but they did know Hughes wouldn't be returning to work for a few weeks.

* * *

"Hey Mustang?" Edward asked Mustang next week at work. Mustang looked at the boy.

"What?"

"You didn't mean what you said about me being a bean sprout, midget, itsy-bitsy spider, a runt and a shrimp did you?"

"..."

"I hate you with a passion."

* * *

_Okay, there's kind of a different style here, but I hope you still like it._

_This is being published in the morning (in my time zone) because I'm going to have my hands full tonight._

_-AEW Alchemist_


	66. Chapter 66

"Hey Alphonse, why are we at the cattery? You're not going to actually make me work here are you?" Edward groaned at his younger brother as they stood outside of the Central cattery centre.

"Why not brother? You'll be surrounded with creatures who are smaller than you! Wouldn't that give you more confidence with your height?"

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I PROBABLY AM SMALLER THAN CATS? WHO'S SO TINY THAT LITTER TRAYS ARE SAND PITS IN MY EYES?"**

"Let's just go in brother." Alphonse sighed, dragging his brother by his coat hood. There was a lady sitting at a desk, and when she heard them come in she smiled at them both.

"Hello there boys, what can I do for you?" She asked.

"Would it be possible for us to volunteer?" Alphonse asked, twiddling his (human) fingers. She only looked at the boys and pointed at Edward. "How old are you young man?"

"Are you suggesting **I'm so small that I look at least ten years younger than my real age? **I'm sixteen you moron." She only looked down at some records then spoke to Alphonse.

"I believe you would be able to volunteer as you seem to have a calm temper, and you are over eighteen." Alphonse, because he wanted to look after the cats, didn't care to correct her. "Meanwhile, because your brother has a short temper-"

"**WHO ARE YOU HINTING IS SO SHORT THAT I COULD BE ONE OF THE RATTLY THINGS IN A MARACA?"**

"-I think I rest my case. Could you please fill out these forms please?" She handed some forms to Alphonse, who happily filled it out while Edward stood there scowling.

"**She called me smaller than the holes that shoelaces go through on shoes." **Edward sulked before she glared at Edward.

"If you hate it here, why are you still here? It's not like you're volunteering."

Edward suddenly took on a malicious grin.

"You heard the lady, I'm a threat to cats. See you in the dorms Al!" Edward instantly ran out of the building before his younger brother could catch him.


	67. Chapter 67

"Hmm, yup this is the right address alright." Edward looked up from the piece of paper he was holding and walked up some steps to a house. He pressed the doorbell and a few seconds later a girl with long light brown hair and dark brown eyes answered the door. She smiled when she realised who it was.

"Edward Elric, what an honour it is for you to visit!" She cried.  
"Are you the AwesomelyEpicWriting-Alchemist?" He asked. She nodded.

"Yup, but you can call me Corinne. Care to come to my room?" Edward entered the house and followed her up the stairs to her bedroom. When they arrived in her bedroom he lied down on the bed.

"So, why are you here? Don't you have some alchemy to be doing?" Corinne asked, staring at Edward. She couldn't believe the Fullmetal Alchemist was lying on her bed.

"Why do you call me **so tiny that a hike for me is climbing up a step? **So **much of a shrimp that I get along with other fish in the ocean?" **Edward asked.

"Excuse me?" Corinne asked, nervously twiddling with her hair. She got a death glare from the Fullmetal Alchemist.

"Let me put it bluntly for you: WHY THE HELL DO YOU CALL ME **SO SMALL THAT IT'S HILARIOUS!" **He shouted.

"Ohh, I'm guessing you read my story 500 of Ed's short rants...I don't personally think that you're very small, I just find it hilarious when you rant. It's one of the things that make you awesome."

"So you really don't think I'm **so much of a midget that when I grow up I'll live in an ant's nest?" **Edward asked, disappointed. He really wanted to hurt Corinne for suggesting he was short, but he could at least put her in discomfort for suggesting he was short. Which he isn't.

She nodded.

"But, you still hinted at it! So suffer my wrath!" Edward suddenly shouted, clapping his hands together. Corinne audibly gulped. Steel bars came down from the ceiling and trapped her in a cage in the far side of her room. Edward smirked. "Try getting out of that now!"

"Oh I don't mind. Besides, I can reach my laptop from here." She went to the very edge of the cage and managed to unplug her laptop and slip it through the bars. Edward clapped his hands and turned the laptop into a plushie of Alphonse.

"Rest in peace, my laptop. But on the bright side I now have an Al plushie~!" Corinne hugged the plushie. Edward face palmed. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

She grinned at him. "Absolutely everything!"

"Right...I'm leaving before this gets too weird. Just remember I'm **not so small that the word small is an understatement for my height!"**

"Will do...but can you make me a plushie of you?" She asked. He only sighed and walked out of the bedroom.

* * *

_Okay, this was awesome to write XD I love cameos! Edward was probably OOC in this so sorry for that..._

_-AEW Alchemist_


	68. Chapter 68

"Excuse me little boy, but could I ask you a question please?" A lady timidly asked a thirteen year old Edward. She had every reason to be timid.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO LITTLE THE REASON YOU'RE WEARING IS GLASSES IS NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE PARTLY BLIND BUT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE ME!" **Edward shouted at her. She whimpered a second before adjusting her glasses.

"But can you please test out my new invention please? It is called the pram." He pointed to what looked like a shopping basket on wheels.

"And what does this so called pram do?" Edward suspiciously asked.

"Erm, let's just say it is used for wheeling people around."

"Huzzah for laziness! I don't care if you called me **so tiny that microbes are my best friends, **I want to try this pram out!" Edward hastily lifted himself up and into the pram. Because this was the first prototype, it was as big as a shopping trolley so Edward managed to fit in.

"Er lady, it is a little too short, my legs are actually longer than it, **which shows Mustang that my height isn't completely stunted like he always says."**

"Oh, I don't think that will be a problem though." The lady muttered to herself.

"What was that?" Edward asked. She merely shrugged her shoulders at the boy, and began pushing the pram by its handle. It began to roll, and Edward just waved at random passerby's as he was being pushed by the lady. After a few minutes, she stopped pushing and helped Edward step out of it.

"Thank you so much!" She cried as she shook his hand. Edward only nodded and walked off.

TWO YEARS LATER

After his fight in Central with Scar, Edward was ordered by the military to clean up the town. After fixing various banisters and street roads, he was approached by a middle aged lady holding her baby in one hand and a pram in the other hand.

"Can you fix my pram please?" She asked. Edward looked at her for one second. "Where does that name sound familiar? I associate it with someone calling me **so short that I should physically be a figment of your imagination.."**

The old lady laughed at him. "Silly, this is a pram. They are used to move your babies in, as opposed to carrying them all the time."

Edward just stared at the pram and suddenly remembered testing one out.

"So let me get this straight...prams are used for wheeling babies around in? Babies?" The lady nodded. Edward quickly transmuted it to resemble something like a metal dragon before sinking to an emo corner on the ground and screaming "**THAT BITCH CALLED ME SO SMALL THAT I SHOULD BE CLASSIFIED AS A TALKING BABY! **Gahhh!"

* * *

_Ah, what fun this one was :D_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	69. Chapter 69

"...And that, Mustang, proves why **I'm not so tiny that when I see a glass of water I wonder why I'm near the ocean." **Edward concluded his mission briefing to Mustang, who face palmed.

"Sometimes I even wonder why I even let you go on missions." Mustang muttered.

"YOUNG ELRICS! WHEN I HEARD YOU WERE IN CENTRAL-I DASHED RIGHT OVER!" The voice that belonged to Alex Armstrong boomed through the walls of the office, and soon Edward found that he was stuck in a tight bear hug. Alphonse was fluttering by the side, not sure what to do (save his brother or run). And Mustang? Like any caring boss, he snickered at his subordinate's predicament.

"Major...get off." Edward managed to choke, his face turning blue. Armstrong let go of him, and everyone in the room could see that tears were pouring down Armstrong's face.

"Oh how I've been lonely without you two being here! Tell me, how are you fairing children?" Armstrong asked, pressing his face closely to Edward's. Alphonse's armour started to shake in fear.

"Hey, **I'm not so much of a child that I have to have cub hugs instead of bear hugs! **Me and Al are doing fine, I don't see why you need to check on us." Edward mumbled.

"NONSENSE! IT IS MY DUTY AS A FINE SPECIMEN OF MAN TO CHECK UP ON THE YOUNGER GENERATION!" Armstrong decided that would be a good time to sport some sparklies.

"**Who's so much of a member of the younger generation that on my birth certificate it says I was born yesterday? **WAH!" Edward shouted as Armstrong suddenly flexed his muscles in Edward's face.

"Feel my muscles Edward! Feel how they pulse with LOYALTY AND STRENGTH! I would never lie to you Edward! FEEL." Armstrong added when Edward just stared in disgust.

"Just leave me alone Major!" Edward shouted. "Mustang, you're my boss. HELP!"

"Fine, Fullmetal has a point, and some reports to be filling out anyway. Armstrong, would you kindly leave my office?" Mustang gestured at the door. Armstrong hung his head.

"He's just jealous." Armstrong shut the door with a slam behind him.

"Jealous of what? Your muscles? Your so-called antenna? Your height? HEY! **WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU CAN KILL ME WITH A FLY SWATTER?" **Edward shouted after the Major before turning to Mustang.

"Thanks...for saving me from that freak." Edward muttered to Mustang. Mustang smirked.

"Equivalent exchange. You now have to help me with my paper work...shrimp." Mustang added.

"**I'M NOT SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT IF JOBS WERE GIVEN TO PEOPLE BASED OF HEIGHT I WOULD BE BROKE!" **


	70. Chapter 70

"Alphonse I have great news!" Edward shouted, slamming open the door to their shared dorm room (_AN: yet another law of physics Ed has broken, as opposed to slamming it shut he slams it open-that's three and counting!_).

"You've found a lead for the Philosopher's Stone?" Alphonse eagerly asked. Edward shook his head, still grinning.

"Nope! It's about my height, **which isn't stunted like everybody claims which is a lie cos I'm not short. **Look at this! In this book it claims that if you just eat meat loaf you will grow at least one inch in a month! Pretty good, huh?" Edward gloated his discovery, rubbing his hands. "Heheh, with this nugget of information, soon I'll be calling him **so small that he could sit on my eye lashes. **Oh books, how I love thee~!" Edward hugged the book before staring at Alphonse and remembering that Alphonse was the family chef.

"Alphonse, I just remembered. I went to the store before I came here and saw they didn't sell meat loaf there. Do you know how to make some?"

Alphonse nodded and mumbled "I don't think you'll be too fond of my recipe though..."

"Huh? What was that Al?" Edward asked curiously. Alphonse just shook his head. "Nothing brother. But would you stay in the bedroom while I cook? I've heard that...it can get really messy making meatloaf, and you need to meet the Colonel in the morning."

"Aww, you're so responsible Al!" Edward claimed, rapping his knuckle on the metallically made shoulder. "Okay. Call me when it's ready though." Edward walked out of the cramped kitchen, shutting the door behind him.

_Thank heavens he's gone, now he won't rant about how milk laughs at him for being __**so small milk stole his height after being offended by not drinking it...**__gosh darn it, I'm starting to sound like Ed aren't it? Better get started. _Alphonse thought to himself as he got all of the ingredients out from the fridge and the various cupboards. Just as he pulled the milk out from the fridge that he needed to make the dish, Edward came into the room, carrying a bowl that was left in their room.

"Hey Al, I think this goes in here-WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT WHITE BASTARD AL?" Edward shouted, glaring menacingly at the milk. "**I'M NOT SO SHORT MY ONLY HOPE OF GAINING HEIGHT IS KEPT IN THAT WHITE CRAP!"**

Alphonse sighed.

"Brother, I need it to make the meatloaf. I don't think you'll be able to taste it when it's cooked."

"ONLY STEW CAN TASTE GOOD WITH MILK IN IT! Can't you make it without milk?"

"Sorry brother, this is the only method I know." Alphonse sighed at his brother's stubbornness.

"Never mind Alphonse, don't bother making it. Goddamn books, **they think I'm so small they can trick me."**

Alphonse sighed for what felt like the twentieth time that day.

* * *

_In case you're wondering about the three laws of physics Edward has supposedly broken, here's the list:_

_1. He can do a spit take without a drink (chapter 36)_

_2. He can slam doors open instead of slamming them shut (chapter 70)_

_3. He's too tiny for his age (always XD)_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	71. Chapter 71

"Shorty, for the love of the Gate, shut up." Mustang groaned, rubbing his pounding forehead caused by the hormonally imbalanced teenager standing on the other side of his desk.

Naturally, this request had the opposite effect on Edward.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHORTY THAT WINRY HAS TO DESIGN BABY SIZED AUTO MAIL FOR ME?"**

"Winry...that's the name of your girlfriend, isn't it?" Mustang smirked at Edward's obvious discomfort.

"Well, what about Hawkeye? Please, **just because you like to think that because I might be the size of a child that I think like on, **even I, the most unromantic person ever, can see the way you guys look at each other. You two would have beautiful kids...if they didn't look like you." Edward smirked back at his superior officer who began blushing.

"Like you would know anything Fullmetal! Besides, I saw the way you gazed into Miss Rockbell's eyes when I watched your auto mail tune up once! You totally love her!" Mustang shouted back, hysteria noticeable in his voice.

"WHAT? I'VE SEEN YOU OGLE HAWKEYE WHEN YOU THOUGHT SHE WASN'T LOOKING!" Ed's cheek had turned a light pink.

"Annoying shrimp! Why the hell would I do that!"

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT I CAN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?"**

"Apparently you, considering you can't confess to what you want to be your girlfriend! Look, let's just drop the topic, okay?"

"Which topic, our female friends or the topic of me being **so tiny that I am the size of a necklace charm?" **Edward sarcastically asked, twisting his antennae around his finger. When he let go, his antenna became curly.

"The one about our, and to quote you, 'female friends'. The curly antenna look suits you, too bad it doesn't contribute much to your height now." Mustang commented.

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT MY SACRED ANTENNA IS LARGER THAN ANY OF MY BODY PARTS!"**

"Oh dear, I don't think Miss Rockbell will be too pleased to hear that." Mustang couldn't control his laughter and even started crying tears of laughter.

Edward stared at the colonel for a few seconds dumbly and innocently before turning a dark, _dark _shade of red before screeching "GODDAMNIT MUSTANG, YOU PERVERT! I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT! AND WINRY IS _NOT_ MY GIRLFRIEND!" Edward screeched, slamming the door behind him as he stormed out of the office, leaving the colonel still laughing in his chair.

* * *

_Only 100 rants left now..._

_-AEW Alchemist_


	72. Chapter 72

"Hello? Mustang's office." Mustang answered his phone. "Sure, I'll pass him on." Mustang held the phone out and shouted "Fullmetal Shrimp! You've got a phone call!"

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT MY HED GETS LODGED BETWEEN THE HOLES IN A PHONE SOMETIMES! **Hello, this is Edward speaking." Edward drastically changed his tone when speaking on the phones so much it made Mustang snort in amusement. "Hey Winry, Al. Is everything alright in the hotel room? Huh? It's broken? Well why can't Al fix it?...ugh, fine I'll be there right away...**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I FIT IN THE PIPES OF A BATH TUB? **Bye." Edward slammed the phone down.

"Judging by your side of the conversation, I'm almost scared to ask but what did she want?" Mustang lazily asked.

"Apparently the bath's got a hole in it. And Al can't fix it because he could get rust on his armour." Edward muttered as he dawdled to his hotel room.

LINE BREAK  
"I'm here." Edward groaned as he opened the door to the hotel room. He suddenly wondered why Winry was putting on white rubber gloves and grinning manically.

"Winry..." Edward slowly asked. She only grinned back. "You might want to take off your red coat and the jacket under that. It's pretty ugly in there."

He complied.

"Good. Let's go in." Winry had to suppress an evil laugh as they walked into the bathroom. As soon as they were both in Winry locked the door and Alphonse used alchemy to transmute the keyhole away. As Edward was about to ask why he did that, he noticed what exactly was in the bath tub.

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT THE ONLY WAY MILK CAN HELP ME GROW TALLER IS IF I BATHE IN THAT CRAP? **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO THINKING? WHO BATHES IN _MILK?" _

"I've read that people in Xing do it as it's good for your skin." Alphonse answered, holding back a giggle.

"I DON'T CARE! IS THIS SOME SICK JOKE TO TRY TO HIGHLIGHT THE FACT THAT **I'M SO TINY THAT I AM THE HUMAN FLEA? **..IN." Edward stubbornly crossed his arms and pouted like a five year old child.

"Edward...we do this because we care a lot about you." Winry told the boy as she held his arms while Alphonse hurriedly grabbed his elder brother's struggling legs.

"WHAT? PUT ME DOWN BOTH OF YOU! **I'M NOT SO SHORT IT'S MENTALLY SCARRED ME! **PUT ME DOWN-AHH!" While he was ranting, both of them had chucked him into the bath.

For Edward, the fact that he was coated in the white substance wasn't his main issue.

It wasn't because the two people closest to him had tricked him.

He wasn't even worrying about his height now.

No.

He swallowed some of the milk.


	73. Chapter 73

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT WHEN I THINK OF A BLOODBATH I THINK OF ME SWIMMING IN A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP?" **Edward shouted after Mustang suggested he should join the shrimp in the shrimp tank. Edward, Mustang and Alphonse had to volunteer at a zoo for a day, because...well...

"WELCOME FINE GENTLEMEN! I HOPE YOU MANAGE TO REALLY CONNECT SPIRITUALLY WITH THESE NOBLE CREATURES, A GIFT WHICH WAS PASSED THORUGH MY FAMILY-"

"For generations." Edward, Mustang and even Alphonse finished the Major's sentence. Armstrong had thought that they needed to learn to 'make a bond' with animals.

"OLDER ELRIC, I suggest you clean out the cages for the lions." Armstrong suggested.

Edward snorted.

"Screw that, I wanna see the ostriches!" Edward ran off to the ostrich enclosure.

"Thanks for the team spirit shrimp!" Mustang called after the boy.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I CAN RIDE THIS OSTRICH?" **Edward shouted back without looking back. Armstrong sniffed.

"I guess I'll do the prestigious task of cleaning out the lion's cage...might as well test their strength." Armstrong muttered as he walked away, leaving Mustang and Alphonse to their own devices.

"So, what are you going to do?" Mustang asked Alphonse.

"I would want to go to the big cat's cages, but Armstrong's there, so I'm going to the giraffe enclosure. I want to ride one too!" Alphonse childly admitted before he ran off. Mustang just shrugged his shoulders and went to the cafe to buy a coffee.

* * *

"**I am not so tiny that these bird freaks are bigger than me, **no freaking way." Edward grumbled as he walked into the ostrich enclosure. There was only one ostrich there, and it was rather large. Edward suddenly grinned.

"Heheh, I always wanted to ride an ostrich." He muttered evily as he chased after the ostrich. After five minutes of chasing the petrified creature he jumped onto it's back and wrapped his arms around its neck. Edward noticed that the ostrich was confuzzled that Edward had 'disappeared'.

"Bird, am I really **so small you can't feel my hands around your neck?" **Edward muttered. He then heard applause as he saw Mustang standing a few feet away and to his shock-

"Excuse my bad language here Al, but how the fuck are you managing to ride a giraffe and make it come here?" Edward asked in disbelief. Alphonse only laughed. The ostrich seemed to notice that Edward was on his back so he turned his head and with his beak, dropped Edward to the ground.

"Yo, bird! **I'M NOT SO SMALL THAT YOU CAN CARRY ME IN YOUR MOUTH!" **Edward shouted at the bird.

"Yes Fullmetal, shout at the ostrich. Because we all know ostriches can understand Amestrian." Mustang's smugness was as radiant as the sun.

"SHUT UP!"


	74. Chapter 74

It was the middle of the night, and everything in the dorm room of Edward and Alphonse Elric was peaceful- Edward was passed out on the bed and Alphonse took silent delight in watching his brother sleep and occasionally gazing at the sparkly stars.

And then there was a beam of purple light, and suddenly Envy was in their room.

"Al, what the hell is going- YOU! GET OUT OF HERE YOU STALKER ENVY!" Edward screamed, pointing at Envy, who smirked.

"Sorry to wake you up pipsqueak-"

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A PIPSQUEAK THAT I COULD CLIMB UP YOUR HAIR?" **One thing to keep in mind should you ever meet Edward is that he isn't exactly a morning person.

"Wow, you're rowdy for the morning. Anyway, I just got a call from the shrimp in the zoo enclosure, and they want their height back." Envy smugly told the boy.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT WHEN IT'S WINTER I GO SNOW BOARDING ON MY POCKET WATCH! **OH YEAH, THE PALM TREES CALLED, THEY WANT THEIR LEAVES BACK!"

"Envy, can you just please before the whole military gets woken up by you two?" Alphonse sighed, looking at the homunculus. Envy only grinned cockily.

"Don't worry about that tin can. I'll be gone in a few minutes, I just want to annoy Ed more."

"DON'T CALL MY BROTHER A TIN CAN YOU FAKE HUMAN!" Edward roared. Envy carried on grinning,

"Sorry pipsqueak. Didn't mean to strike a nerve-"

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A PIPSQUEAK THAT WHEN I DRESS IN YELLOW PEOPLE THINK I'M A FRENCH FRY AND TRY TO EAT ME! **ENVY, PISS OFF BEFORE I DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL TO YOU!" At this point it was safe to say that Edward was awake now. And more pissed off than ever.

"Oh yeah, like what?" Envy teased the pissed off boy who was still in his bed.

"TIE YOUR HAND TOGETHER AND HANG YOU BY THEM, DIP YOUR FEET IN BOILING HOT WATER WHILE ALPHONSE-"

"Please don't include me in your plans brother." Alphonse muttered.

"-TICKLES YOU STOMACH AND YOU GET TO HEAR ME RANT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE: **WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO TINY THAT IF YOU SPAT IN MY FACE I'D DROWN! **DON'T GET ANY IDEAS ENVY OR I _WILL _HURT YOU!" Amazingly, Edward said all of this in one breath.

"Aww, you're no fun when you get serious." Envy grumbled. "See you pipsqueak, tin can." With another beam of purple light, Envy had departed from the bedroom.

"MY BROTHER IS NOT A TIN CAN DAMNIT! AND **I'M NOT SO SMALL THAT I CAN FLY BY FLAPPING MY HANDS!" **Edward screamed after Envy left, his throat getting slightly sore from all the shouting.

"Brother, it is approximately midnight so people are probably still out doing stuff. Please, just go to sleep before you wake anyone up down the street." Alphonse almost begged his brother.

"It's midnight? Hm, I thought it was the morning. Night Al." Edward called to his brother as he ducked his head under the covers.


	75. Chapter 75

"Thanks for being here you two, it means a lot to me~!" Hughes squealed as he let Edward and Mustang into his house. They both just nodded.

"Hughes, I'm only here because you said you'd skewer me if I didn't. **But I'm bigger than a shrimp, so it would be impossible for me to be skewered. **But I'm here because I like Elysia. And we share the same birthday...so you guys also get to make it a party for me too." Edward mumbled.

"NONSENSE! MY ELYSIA-CHAN GETS HER OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY SO YOU GO AND GET YOUR OWN! YOU TAKE YOUR INDIVIDUAL BIRTHDAY CAKE, GIVE ELYSIA HER PRESENT THEN LEAVE! Heheh, just kidding Edward. Of course it's for both of you!~" Hughes cried, ruffling the kids head. "Yo Roy! How should we sort out my darling's birthday?"

"Maes, you honestly think I know? Ask the shrimp instead." Mustang ran a hand through his hair.

"Hey! **Who's so much of a shrimp that it isn't healthy! **Umm, why not throw her a princess party?" Edward suggested. "Girls are meant to like that kind of stuff, aren't they?"

"Great idea! She loves dressing up as her mummy! Thanks shrimp~~!" Hughes squeed, hugging Edward.

"**Who's so small that a plushie is bigger than me! Who's so small that it's illegal!" **Edward screamed before adding "So, time to discuss the main part. What flavours will the cake be?"

"At least you're blunt." Mustang snorted. Edward glared at him while Hughes laughed.

"Gracia is making the cake's a surprise so you'll just have to see on the day!" Hughes answered, him and Mustang grinning while Edward pouted.

"Awesome. Can I go now?" Edward eagerly asked. "It's because Al's found a possible lead on the stone and I need to consult him about it.

Both of the older men waved, saying simultaneously "Bye Shrimp!~"

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT IF YOU OFFER SHRIMP AS A DISH AT THE BIRTHDAY PARTY PEOPLE WILL TRY TO COVER ME IN SHRIMP COCKTAIL SAUCE?"**

Mustang and Hughes both made a mental note to make Shrimp cocktail for the party.


	76. Chapter 76

"Do you understand the plan shrimp?" Olivier grunted to Edward as they hid in their hiding place.

"**Who's so much of a shrimp that for humour I should always dress in pink? **Yes, yes I understand the plan!" Edward cried when she gave him the look that she saves especially for him (death glare with an aura of evilness).

"Good. So tell me the plan shrimp."

**Who's **, that's us, will sneak into the cafeteria **so **we can get the **small **tub of ice cream. The tub of ice cream is chocolate flavored so **it's **important we get it before another** weird **freak gets it**?" **Edward confirmed the plan, whilst secretly ranting within the sentence.

"Okay. Start your part of the mission Fullmetal. And never rant to me again or I will slap you." She ushered the boy out of their hiding place (under one of the cafeteria tables).

"WAHHH! WAHHH!" Edward feigned crying, rubbing his eyes. Instantly some of the officers ran up to the boy who at that moment in time could pass for a ten year old.

"What's wrong kid? Did you lose your mummy?" A man who looked dangerously strong asked him, rubbing Edward's back.

"**I'm not so tiny you could carry me in your arms." **Edward indigently muttered. "No, a lady with blonde hair was being really mean to me! And she scared me on purpose! WAHHH!" Edward pretended to bawl, now earning the attention of all the occupants of Brigg in the cafeteria. Luckily, the people who knew his age and status weren't in the room at the time.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Olivier running into the kitchen quietly and nobody noticing. He grinned to himself as he kept mumbling incomprehensible words. "Huaua...hmpfh, sniffle. That lady was so mean! She called me **an ultra midget who's only purpose in life is to be small!"**Edward sniffled into the big man's chest. Awkwardly, the big man patted Edward's back.

"Don't worry about her. She doesn't mean it. The Ice Princess won't hurt you. She loves all of us." One of the other soldiers hesitantly said, trying to comfort the boy who looked at him with child-like eyes. He had to hold back a grin as he saw Olivier glaring daggers at the man, her hand reaching for her sword. But he noticed she had the tub of chocolate ice cream in her other hand.

Olivier left the room quietly and shut the door behind her. Edward instantly put on the biggest smile he could muster and almost sang: "Thank you daddies! I feel much better now!" And he ran out of the room to follow Olivier.

"Wait up!" Ed called to the Ice Princess, who glared at him.

"What is it shrimp?"

"**Who's so much of a shrimp I could run on that tub of ice cream? **Never mind, I didn't say that! Anyway, can I have some of the ice cream?"

Olivier looked thoughtful for a second before saying "No. You tricked my men. I could court martial you for deception of my officers."

Edward was speechless at the Major General's hypocritical statement, but he turned a beautiful shade of dark red in anger.

* * *

_Yup, Olivier likes chocolate ice cream ^^ who knew?_

_AEW Alchemist_


	77. Chapter 77

"Alphonse, why do I have to come with you to do the shopping? I have something called a job, and the bastard'll kill me if I'm late for the afternoon." Edward complained loudly to Alphonse as they stood outside of the supermarket.

"Brother, it's not like you actually work when you're in the office. Besides, it would be good if you could help me once in a while." Alphonse calmly replied, dragging Edward into the shop. The first shelf Edward saw in the shop was sea food, but more specifically-

"**WHO'S SO SMALL IT'S TRAUMATIC? **Alphonse, the shop owners are bullying me! They set that up on purpose!" Edward complained to his brother, pointing at the display and resisting the urge to spit on it.

"Edward, stop being a baby. Can you go and buy some baby tomatoes? Just ask the men over there dressed in green?" Alphonse pointed to the two men who were watching over the fruit.

"Baby tomatoes...ALPHONSE! ME COMING TO THIS SHOP WAS A TRICK TO 'SUBTLY' TELL ME I'M SHORT! **WHO'S SO TINY THAT THOSE VEGETABLE DUDES WANT TO WRAP ME IN CLINGFILM BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT I'M A RARE TYPE OF VEGETABLE?" **Edward shouted, making a tantrum. Alphonse tried his best to apologise to other shoppers and calm his brother down at the same time. One little boy who was watching Edward began to laugh, and accidently let go of the cereal box he was holding, so it slid over to Edward.

"**WHO'S SO ITSY-BITSY THAT I AM THE TOY IN THE CEREAL BOX*!** THIS CEREAL BOX IS MEANT TO CRYPTICALLY SAY I'M SHORT ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT! YEAH, YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING NOW ARE YOU BRAT!" Edward shouted in the little boy's face, making him cry and run to his mother, who shot an evil glare and possibly a middle finger (Edward wasn't paying attention) at Edward before walking away.

"Brother, can't you try to be on good behaviour?" Alphonse pleaded his brother. Edward stubbornly turned away from Alphonse.

"No! This is why I don't do the shopping." He huffed back. Alphonse sighed. "Just be quiet for a short while please Ed?"

"**WHO'S SO SHORT THAT THE REASON FOR ME BEING SHORT IS BECAUSE I LIVED IN WATER FOR THE MAJORITY OF MY CHILDHOOD SO I SHRUNK!" **Edward shouted. Edward didn't know this, but today he had more hormones than usual so he was getting more wound up easily. That didn't stop the store manager from coming up to the hormonal teenager.

"Kid, you're scaring all of our customers. I highly suggest you leave kid." He lectured the boy.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING BITE-SIZED?" **Edward shouted before letting Alphonse drag him out of the supermarket, shouting apologies to the store manager.

* * *

_*Sigh, they never do them anymore T.T_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	78. Chapter 78

"**WHO'S SO TINY THAT YOU THINK I'M A MALFUNCTIONED PARROT?"**

"A parrot Fullmetal? May I ask your reasoning for that assumption?" Mustang asked the raging boy in front of him.

"DON'T FOCUS ON DETAIL BASTARD! WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED TO SEND ME TO A DOCTOR TO GET A MENTAL CHECK? I DON'T HAVE AN ISSUE WITH MY HEIGHT!" Edward screamed for all of Central Headquarters to hear (every soldier snorted and giggled for a few seconds before carrying on their work).

"Just go Fullmetal." Mustang sighed, rubbing his temples.

"WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER OLD MAN!"

"Since you won't go to him, he'll come here. You can come in now, Mr. Nelson." Mustang called, and to Edward's shock, a man in a white lab coat and a stethoscope around his neck entered the room. Edward gawked for a second, considering he never thought Mustang actually would bother to bring the doctor to Headquarters.

"Thank you Colonel. Now Edward Elric, can you please tell me why you feel over protective of your height please?" The seventy-or-so year old man asked.

"**WHO'S SO SMALL THAT I HAVE TO TREASURE MY HEIGHT WHEN I GROW ONE HALF OF A MILLIMETRE!" **Edward ranted at the old man. Sighing, the old man faced Mustang.

"Does he always shout this loud?" He asked. Mustang nodded. "You haven't heard him when he really gets pissed off."

"We can vouch for that!" Havoc and Breda shouted from where they were on the other side of Mustang's office.

"SHUDDUP!" Edward whined.

"Please calm down Edward, I'm here to help." Mr. Nelson reassured Edward, who glared back.

"If you're trying to help me, why did you call me **so tiny that when normal people play golf I have to pay mini-golf to keep up with them?" **Edward snapped. Mr. Nelson moved to the sofa in the colonel's office and sighed.

"Edward, I never said that much. But could you please inform me why-"Mr. Nelson asked the boy before he was interrupted.

"**Why I'm so short it makes little kids cry?" **Edward snapped. Ignoring Edward, Mr. Nelson faced Mustang. "I think I have a diagnosis for his shouting." He informed the colonel.

"Really?" Mustang stifled a giggle while Edward stared in shock.

"Wait...I have a disease?" Edward questioned. Mr. Nelson sighed. "I'm afraid so. My son has the same condition as you. You have Menstritus." He melodramatically stared.

"Err, what is Menstritus?" Mustang asked.

"Basically, it's when a male is in a permanent state of PMSing, even though they aren't female. It is a disease passed through genes."

Mustang started to howl with laughter as Edward's face turned a bright red before shouting "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" and pushing the old man out of the room, and slamming the door behind him.

"You don't believe him, do you?" Edward growled. Mustang shook his head.

"No, but it takes attention off you being short. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mustang started another laughing fit.

"**WHO'S SO SHORT IT WILL BE PASSED DOWN MY FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS?"**

**

* * *

**

_I had __**way **__more fun writing this than what would be considered normal XD_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	79. Chapter 79

"Mummy, look at that small teenager!" A six year old girl who was walking past Edward cried, pointed to Edward. Edward, with the hearing capabilities of a bat, replied almost instantly:

"**WHO'S SO SMALL I CAN FIT IN ONE OF THOSE RANDOM HOLES IN A TREE?"**

Instead of crying and running off with her mother, like Edward hoped she would, she began to giggle and pulled out a portable camera from her bag. "Mummy, will you take a photo of me with the small boy?" She asked, pouting.

"**Who's so tiny I've gone past the point of caring!** Wait...Sorry lady, but I have better things to be doing than this. It was nice meeting you though." Edward told the girl's mother, who smiled at him. "Please can she have one picture of you? I promise it won't take long." She asked, with a look of sheer despair in her eye. Edward guessed the little girl must've been a hassle to her.

"Wah! Wah! The midget's being mean to me mummy!" She began to cry.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A BEAN SPROUT MIDGET THAT I HAVE TO CHEW MY FOOD A HUNDRED TIMES PER BITE SO I DON'T CHOKE! **Ugh, if it'll shut you up, I guess one picture can't hurt.**" **Edward gave in, going next to the girl. She began to giggle at seeing Edward having a picture with her.

"Mummy, take the picture!" She cried, holding onto Edward's left hand. After a few seconds, the girl's mother took the photo, and the little girl unclasped her grip on Edward's hand.

"Thank you shrimp!" She squealed.

"**WHO'S SO SHORT I WAS HATCHED FROM AN EGG? **Now if you don't mind, I need to leave now. It was nice meeting both of you.**" **Edward muttered quickly before walking away as fast as possible without it looking like he was running away from them.

"Thank you!" The girl's mother called after Edward.

"Bye!~" The girl shouted. Edward waved his hand without looking back and he turned the street corner.

"That seven year old had the cheek to call _me _short!She made me shout **WHO'S SO SHORT WHEN I RIDE A NORMAL SIZED SEAHORSE AND A MINI TIRDENT I FEEL LIKE THE GOD OF THE OCEAN? ** Like ten times!**" **Edward complained to himself before thinking out loud "That would actually be damn awesome. Maybe I should try that one day...but with a huge seahorse of course."

* * *

_I won't be able to upload tomorrow, so it's going up today instead :) hope you don't mind._


	80. Chapter 80

"**WHO'S SO TINY I CAN CLIMB UP COBWEBS?" **Edward shouted in anger at Armstrong, who only glared back at Edward with authority.

"This is exactly what I meant young Elric sir! There is nothing wrong with being ashamed of your height!" Armstrong boomed.

"Who said I was ashamed of it Major?" Edward glared at Armstrong, who thought that that moment in time would be the perfect time to take his shirt off.

"There's no reason to hide it! I can understand why you'd feel small compared to I-"

"**WHO'S SO SHORT I WAS ONCE THE MASCOT FOR SHRIMP INCORPORATED (C)****?" **Edward interrupted.

"-but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be proud of the little height you have! Plus, do you really need to rant for the whole world to hear?" Armstrong asked.

"**WHO'S SO SHORT THAT EVIL GNOMES WILL TRY TO CATCH ME ON THEIR FISHING LINES WHEN I SWIM! **Major, by telling me you hate my ranting, it makes me want to rant louder and more often. So go on, call me small. I dare you." Edward glowered, and to his delight found that Armstrong seemed to be backing off his case. Until...

"Young Elric, I have an amazing idea! Why don't you come and have a work-out with yours truly? Look at my fine build!" Armstrong stopped talking for a second to do a classic Armstrong pose, with sparklies erupting from him like a volcano. "You will have the pleasure of being trained by me, and your height will improve! It's a win-win situation!"

Edward just stared at the man like he said he was actually a woman (**AN: I dunno, just imagine him looking really freaked out. It was the best I could come up with**). After a couple of minutes of staring, Edward regained the ability to speak.

"THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT I WOULD WANT TO WORK OUT WITH AN UTTER _FREAK _LIKE YOU! BESIDES, **WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT BECAUSE OF MY HEIGHT MY VOICE IS AS HIGH AS A GIRL'S?" **Edward screamed for all he was worth. He even started to jump up and down while he was screaming.

"There's no reason to get so upset-" Armstrong started to say.

"**WHO'S SO IMPISH I BUNGIE-JUMP OF MY BED TO REACH THE FLOOR! **JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU TALL FREAK AND GET THE HELL OUT! IF YOU DON'T GET OUT IN THREE SECONDS I WILL HURT YOU IN SUCH A WAY THAT DEATH WOULD SEEM KIND!"

Armstrong managed to get out of the room in three and a half seconds.

The next day, everybody who passed Armstrong saw his lock of hair had been cut off, and his moustache was died pink to match his sparklies. His shirt also had ten padlocks on it so he couldn't take it off.

Oh yes, Edward was really pissed with Armstrong.

* * *

_Guys, I just want to thank all the support this little (not so little now) fic has got! I never imagined it would get over 500 reviews, I'm so happy that it has though, especially since the end is in sight. You guys are amazing readers, and I love each and every one of you ^^._

_-AEW Alchemist._


	81. Chapter 81

"Please tell me what you know about the Philosopher's Stone Edward, pleaseeeee~?" Ling pouted to Edward, who shook his head.

"No, you shouldn't use the Stone for your political games." Edward turned away from the pouting prince.

"Please, I won't call you short anymore?" Ling offered, grinning.

"**I WAS NEVER SO SHORT YOU COULD LOCK ME INSIDE A KEY LOCK IN THE FIRST PLACE! **You know Ling, it doesn't work if you insult me to get information out of me."

"Ooh! This'll work!" Ling grinned as he slowly moved closer to Edward.

"Err, Ling. This is _my _personal space for a reason. **Just because I'm slightly shorter than you doesn't mean I can't have personal space.**" Edward shuffled away from the prince, who kept following him. At one point Ling reached out to start stroking Edward's hair, before Edward instantly ran to the other side of the room, glaring at Ling.

"What? _You know you really like it. Get back here you bad boy." _Ling said in a seductive voice. Edward just stared at the prince for a few seconds before laughing, then sobering up, then getting pissed off.

"**YOU ASSUMED BECAUSE OF MY HEIGHT I WOULD SWING THAT WAY DIDN'T YOU?**" Edward roared at the prince, who gave him a sheepish look.

"No, it was just-"

"**YOU THOUGHT THAT BECAUSE YOU THINK I COULD BE THE FLY WHO WALKS ON YOUR FOOD **I WOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU! WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH YOU OF ALL PEOPLE! GROSS!" Edward stopped ranting long enough to death glare at Ling.

"I was just trying a different way to get the Philosopher's Stone from you, really-"

"But now I'm mentally scarred forever! Get out!" Edward pointed to the window, which Ling proceeded to jump out of almost straight away.

"That shut-eyed bastard. Not only did he try to _seduce me _for whatever reason, he also called me **so small I should transmutate myself to be an ant."**Edward complained. "Ling officially scares me."


	82. Chapter 82

"Brother, what exactly are you writing?" Alphonse curiously asked his older brother who was scribbling something down on a piece of paper like there was no tomorrow. Edward stopped writing to look up and grin at his brother.

"Writing some more childhood songs and altering the lyrics."

"Why would you do that?" Alphonse hesitated to ask. Edward smirked.

"Because instead of ranting something like **who's so short when you laugh I feel the tremors in the ground**, I am going to break out into song."

LINE BREAK

"Morning shrimp." Mustang called to Edward as he walked into the office. Edward muttered "Okay, here goes nothing." And he cleared his throat melodramatically, which got the attention of all the occupants in the room (all of Mustang's crew).

Edward started to sing an edited version to a verse of the song _Old MacDonald has a farm:_

"_People call me __**smaller than bees,**_

_E I E I O_

_They think __**I'm so short I get blown by the breeze**_

_E I E I O_

_With a midget cry here,_

_With a shorty cry there,_

_Here a midget, there a shorty_

_Everywhere a short declare!_

_**I'm so short I ride air atoms,**_

_Shut up before I poison you with venom!"_

Riza and Fuery clapped politely for Edward while the rest of the office roared with laughter.

"Wonderful song there Fullmetal!" Mustang said in between laughter.

"Shuddup!" Edward shouted.

"You're like the Napoleon of song writing." Havoc (supposedly) complimented Edward.

"**WHO'S SO SHORT EVEN BARNEY LAUGHS AT MY HEIGHT!**"

* * *

_And there goes another child-hood song I've ruined for you xD_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	83. Chapter 83

"Alphwonse, I fink I'm sicx." Edward informed his brother, his nose bright red and purple shadows round his eyes. Alphonse looked at his brother.

"You think you're six?"

"**Whu're you cawing so short I miswake my owwn age? **I'm ill! ILL!" Edward shouted (he didn't have a sore throat, just a blocked nose and a lack of sleep).

"I get the idea brother. Why don't you let me go to the pharmacy to buy you some medicine while I get someone to watch over you." Alphonse fretted, earning a glare from Edward.

"**I'm nwot so tiny dat I need a bawysiwewer." **Edward pouted at his brother, who gave him a glare of steel (no kidding).

"You're not well so I'll call someone to look after you. Besides, I need to run a few errands." Alphonse walked out of their bedroom and to the phone to ring someone to look after the boy.

* * *

"Thank you so much for coming over, I really appreciate it. I'll be back in a few hours." Alphonse told Edward's babysitter, who nodded back. Alphonse walked out of the dorms and shut the door behind him. The girl's smile suddenly wore off.

"Right, let's get this over with." She huffed, walking into the boy's bedroom. As she opened the door, she saw Edward give her an evil glare before shouting "**I'm nwot so smawl beans bawysiwt me!"**

"You could be a bit nicer to me, considering I'm looking after you!" Mei shouted back, glaring at Edward. She didn't care if he was sick, she wasn't going to let him be rude to her!

"Ey! Ey, you do alkahwestri, donyu? Make me bewwer." Edward demanded, crossing his arms. She sniffed at him before glaring.

"No."

"Y nwot?" Edward raged. She smirked at him.

"I want you to suffer for a while for being rude to me."

"DAMM YOU!"

"Now you stay in bed if you want to get better faster." Mei ushered Edward to his dorm bed and she tucked him in (while audibly groaning and holding her nose).

"Why awr you behing mice to me?" Edward quizzed the girl once she finished tucking him in. She didn't directly respond, but Edward got the idea.

"This is for Al-sama, this is for Al-sama, this is for Al-sama..."She was muttering to herself.

* * *

It had been three hours, and everything in the dorms had been quiet. Edward had been asleep for the whole time, and Mei was training Shao May. Suddenly she heard footsteps to the dorms.

"Damn, better do what Alpsonse-sama told me too!" She cried as she rushed over to where Edward was sleeping. With a piece of chalk, she drew her alchemy symbol on both of his palms, and in a few seconds, Edward was cured of his cold*.

"About time you midget." Edward glared at her, rubbing his nose. She glared back.

"Be thankful I helped you in the first place shrimp!"

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP I CAN USE RAW MACARONI AS STRAWS! **Oh hey Al, how were your errands?" Edward faked happiness to his brother.

"Oh your better already? Thanks so much Mei."

"No problem, I'd do anything for my Alphonse-sama." She stared at him for a few seconds before clearing her throat. "Right, I better go. Byee~!"

"Al...**DON'T JUDGE SOMEONE'S AGE BY THEIR HEIGHT, BECAUSE ALTHOUGH I'M BARELY TALLER THAN HER I AM OLDER THAN HER BY A LOT!" **Edward shouted, before climbing under the covers.

"I'm tired, don't judge me. Night."

* * *

_*You honestly expect me to know how Alkahestry works? xD_

_More Mei-ness for you :)_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	84. Chapter 84

"Well well, the short-fry suddenly showed up!" Mustang commented as Edward slammed the door open (he can still do that!) and sank down into one of the leather sofas in the room before proceeding to glare at the colonel.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SMALL FRY I COULD HAVE ONE MONTH'S WORTH OF WATER I NEED FIT INTO A SIPPY CUP!**"

"Are you finished with your tantrum yet Fullmetal? Really, you need to learn to calm down. Everyone in my team must've had at least ten migraines from your shouting!" Mustang sighed.

"This is my eighteenth sir." Fuery called through the wall. Edward stuck his tongue out at the colonel.

"You know I have issues with my height you bastard! How the hell am I meant to stay calm when you call me **so short the amount of water in a fire is equivalent to my height (the water) compared to yours (the fire)?**" Edward sighed. "You really love to piss me off, don't you?"

Mustang thought for a few seconds before getting an idea in his head.

"Why don't I coach you to vent your anger in different ways?" Mustang suggested. Edward hummed to himself thoughtfully for a few seconds.

"Give me an example."

"Let's pretend I called you short-"Mustang started before he was interrupted by Edward.

"**WHO'S SO SHORT I'M THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO CAN READ THE SMALL PRINT ON STUFF WITHOUT THE NEED OF GLASSES?"**

"See Fullmetal, that's what I mean, you need to calm down. Let's try again. This time instead of shouting, squeeze this." Mustang transmutated a plushie of himself, and he handed it to Edward.

"Now let's try again. Fullmetal, you are such a shrimp-"Mustang was interrupted by the ripping of fabric and saw that Edward had subconsciously ripped the face of the Mustang plushie. There was silence for a few seconds before Edward shouted "**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL I CAN TAME FLYS AND CAN RIDE ON THEM? **Damnit, sorry Mustang, that wasn't meant to come out!"Edward explained, chucking the plushie onto the floor.

"I don't think this is working. I'll leave now, I have to go to the library anyway." Edward got up from the sofa.

"Can't say I didn't try to help the midget." Mustang muttered.

"**WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO MUCH OF A MIDGET I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND WALDO WHEN HE'S MISSING YOU BASTARD!"**


	85. Chapter 85

"...and that story proves why **I'm not so tiny I could fit in your shoe and you'd still be able to walk with your foot in it. **Or **so short I could be a piece of confetti.**" Edward concluded his story he had been telling for half an hour to Alphonse while they were sitting in the dorms. Alphonse stood up and tried to glare at his brother (it's hard when you don't have eyes).

"Brother, shut up! No-one cares that you're short, you're the only one who cares!" Alphonse shouted. Edward blinked at him.

"What do you mean Al?"

"Brother, the only reason people call you short is because you make such a big deal out of it!" An exasperated Alphonse explained to his older brother.

"So what you're saying is that if I didn't go around shouting **I'm not so short you could shoot me with a slingshot and I'd die, **people wouldn't go on about my height?" Edward thought out loud. Edward grinned. "Thanks Al."

"It's okay brother, it just started to get on my nerves quite a bit." Alphonse explained. "I didn't mean to shout at you brother."

"Don't worry about it Al. I'm sorry, I promise I'll never say something like **I'm so small I'm a pixie." **Edward ruffled Alphonse's armoured head.

"It's okay brother." Alphonse replied, ruffling his own brother's hair.

"But just to clarify before I stop ranting for good, **I don't take advantage of my height just to have a reason to rant, because I'm not short and hopefully my case won't go un-noticed."**

**

* * *

**

_This is my version of what happened around halfway through the series when Edward stopped ranting (and being short for that matter) _

_-AEW Alchemist_


	86. Chapter 86

Corinne woke up to the sound of the postman posting a letter through the door. She made her way downstairs, rubbing her eyes and when she picked up the letter to her delight and confusion she saw she had gotten a letter in the post.

"About damn time, I never get any mail recently." Corinne snorted, opening the letter. Inside it she found she had been sent a disgruntled letter from the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric:

_To Corinne (I think, I kinda forgot your name)_

_Well, I have composed a list that I think will be to your interest, here it is:_

_Winry, Alphonse, Pinako, Mustang, Riza, Breda, Fuery, Hughes, Elysia, Armstrong (The Major), Armstrong (The Major General), Miles, Buccaneer, All of Briggs, Lan-Fan, Fu, Ling, Mei, Envy, Scheizca, Nina, Central HQ,_

_A ticket conductor, Central's librarian, Children of Central, A Mc-Donald's cashier, the world (at least officials from Guinness World Records), A Cinema ticket lady, The short therapy group and Halloween friends, Central's public, My old math teacher, the man who gives out life jackets, _

_a claw machine game, an anime director, the theatre's staff, Yugi/Atem, most of the occupants of Elysia's school (including a staff member), occupants of a retirement home, the dentist, the cattery lady, the inventor of the pram, an ostrich, a grocery shop manager, the doctor who diagnosed me with Menstritus, a six year old girl with a camera and yourself._

_If you haven't guessed, this is the list of all the people who have called me short in your story 500 of Ed's Short rants. As you can imagine, I am not too pleased at the size of this list, hell, I'm not too pleased at the fact you wrote this story! The fact you think I'm short pisses me off, considering I have grown a bit taller lately!_

_-Ed (Al says hi to your two cats)_

Corinne stared at the letter for a few seconds before giggling madly to herself.

"I never knew the list was that long."

She stared at the letter for a few more seconds.

"A letter from Edward Elric? This sure as hell isn't going out of my sight~!"

* * *

_Trust me, the reason there aren't any rants today will make perfect sense to you tomorrow. But I hope you liked my cameo :3_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	87. Chapter 87

_This is the final chapter, so I decided to make it extra long for you. _

_It has 30 rants, and is 10 A4 pages long O.o Enjoy!_

* * *

"So where do you want to go for our trip?" Mustang asked all of subordinates and the Elric brothers. They were all sitting in a circle and were discussing their annual holiday trip that the military personnel were allowed for a day trip.

"How about a rollercoaster park?" Havoc suggested, twiddling his cigarette around his fingers.

"No we can't do that; the chief wouldn't be able to get past the height restrictions." Breda bluntly told Havoc.

"Hey! **Who's so small that I could just sneak past the queues because no-one would see me! **Besides, why do me and Al need to go on this trip?" Edward grumbled to himself. He would rather research the Philosopher's Stone, but he knew Alphonse wanted to go away on a trip so he reluctantly agreed to go for the sake of his little brother.

"Because you two are part of our group, that's why. Let's go to the beach!" Fuery contributed, but this was dismissed by Mustang with a wave of his hand.

"Nah, Edward would drown in the ocean, even if he is a shrimp."

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT THE HAZARD OF DROWNING UNDER SOMETHING LIKE THE AIR!" **Edward ranted. Everyone just smartly decided to ignore him.

"It's hard when we have to include the Elrics." Mustang commented. Alphonse, who was still stuck in the armour, bowed his head. "I'm sorry we're being a hindrance." He whispered. Riza instantly death glared at Mustang.

"It's not your boy's fault, it's just the way things are and we'll work around them. Let's go camping for the day." She stated more than offered. When no objections were made, she smiled. "Good. In one month we'll leave to go camping."

"It better not be in the woods though, we'd lose Fullmetal in the woods." Mustang smirked, slightly laughing.

"Hey! **You're saying I'd get mixed up with the dirt on the floor because of my height!"**

"Yup. You're dismissed for today Fullmetal." Mustang waved his hand to his door.

"**I'm not tinier than the rubber on pencils! **Remember that Mustang!**" **Edward cried as he was dragged out of the office by Alphonse.

* * *

ONE MONTH LATER

Everybody was gathered in Mustang's office, checking over everything to make sure that they all had what they needed. However, Edward was sleeping on the couch and Alphonse was checking the contents of Edward's rucksack. He also had to carry it for Ed because-

"He's too small to carry it himself." Mustang snickered. Edward instantly heard the word small and shout up shouting "**I'M NOT TOO SMALL TO CARRY THE RUCKSACK YOU JERK!" **

"Oh really prove it!" There was a quick silence.

"I can't, Al's checking over it."

"No I'm not brother, I just finished." Alphonse put the rucksack on the floor next to Edward's feet. Edward tried to put it on his back, but as he put it on it crushed him and his front made contact fastly with the floor. Mustang was enjoying this.

"Just for the record...**I'm not a tiny shrimp, this bag has weights in it. Not my height's fault." **Edward whimpered from the floor.

* * *

"We're here after that ride in the mini-van." Edward stretched his back and looked at his surroundings. They were on grassy land and in the distance they could see a lake. There were some pine trees in the distance too, but they would be staying near the lake.

"Don't run off now you boys. We need to set up camp." Mustang reminded the boys.

"Why? I can't run off because **apparently I'm so small I'll get lost in the grass?** Whatever, fine we'll help. Alphonse, d'you remember how to make a tent?" Alphonse nodded at his brother. Together with the help of Falman reciting how to make tents from memory, they had set up four big tents. The first tent was for Riza, because she was the only female and she needed her privacy. The second tent Mustang reluctantly was sharing with Havoc and Breda. The third tent was for Fuery and Falman and the last one was for Edward and Alphonse, should he want to go in it.

"Now I'm heading off to the lake! Who's joining me?" Edward shouted, shrugging off his red coat and his black coat underneath that. Havoc, Mustang, Breda and Alphonse followed, but Riza, Falman and Fuery stayed behind. None of them were too fond of swimming, and poor Fuery never learnt how to.

* * *

Once Edward was just in his boxers he jumped into the lake and left a large splash in his wake. He swam back up to the surface and his lips were slightly blue.

"So...cold." His teeth were shaking. Mustang, sighing snapped his fingers and suddenly the lake became warmer and Ed's lips returned to their natural hue.

"I thought shrimp liked water." Havoc teased.

"**Shrimp can't wear auto mail, and because I have auto mail I'm not a shrimp. **Oh crap! Al, did you bring the spares with you?" Edward asked, ripping out his arm and leg and putting them in the sun so they wouldn't rust. Alphonse handed him the spares which were made of a material that wouldn't rust in water.

"I'm going to hate putting back the real ones in." Edward complained as he put in his spares. By now Mustang, Havoc and Breda were in the pool, splashing each other. Breda thought it would be funny to splash Edward. Edward disagreed with this logic.

"Get back here Breda!" Edward shouted, splashing the man furiously with water. Alphonse laughed as the grown up men playfully dunked each other underwater for a few seconds. Mustang did this to Havoc without Havoc knowing, so when he came back up to the surface, he wasn't too pleased with Mustang. I would like to tell you what he was saying, but younger readers are too innocent to know.

Edward got out of the lake and cannon-bombed into the lake right next to Mustang.

"What the hell Fullmetal?" Mustang gurgled, spitting the water out from his mouth. Edward grinned.

"Oh sorry, I was just making sure that you'd be useless."

"Shut up, you midget."

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A MIDGET THAT I CAN RIDE ON YOUR SHOULDERS!"**

"I don't want to test that Fullmetal."

"I do!" Edward jumped into the air and landed on the disgruntled colonel's shoulders.

"You're surprisingly heavy Edward..." Mustang struggled to say, considering the boy was blocking his windpipe by wrapping his legs around Mustang's throat.

"**You're calling me short AND heavy? Except I'm not short, you're only lying! **But you called me heavy so you must suffer!" Edward started to bob up and down on Mustang's shoulders, which made his legs give way, so they both tumbled into the water. Edward came up to the surface first, spitting out the water, and Mustang followed suit a few seconds later.

"Never again Fullmetal, never again."

* * *

Sitting around the campfire that was made, the military group were all munching on s'mores that they had roasted on the fire. After Edward protesting that **he was not as small as a marshmallow **or **tinier than a biscuit crumb **when Havoc tried to put him in between the biscuits they were using, the night was relaxing, and the sky was a beautiful navy blue colour with the stars shining like torches in the sky.

"Ooh, let's tell scary stories!" Edward suggested, finishing off his s'more. Fuery wrapped his blanket which was around his shoulders even tighter at Edward's words.

"I agree with Fullmetal. But let me start!" Mustang pushed in. "What's creepier is that this tale actually happened to me in real life."

"Was it Warehouse 13? That was creepy!" Breda shuddered. Mustang shot him a glare.

"Don't be such a wuss, no this is a real scary story. It all started two years ago...One day Fullmetal here walked into my office without a slam on the door. If that wasn't creepy enough, he didn't even say anything like _**I'm not so small that shoelaces can tie me up **_or _**baked beans amazingly beat me when it comes to who grows faster. **_Then as he sat down in the chair opposite my desk, he didn't even scowl but gave me a pleasant smile! He showed me his report happily which actually had important details...but you want to know what was most creepy about that visit?"

"W..What?" Fuery asked, getting chills down his back, and wrapping his blanket tighter around his body.

"He called me Sir."

"WAH! That's so creepy!" Falman searched frantically for some cover, while Havoc and Breda began laughing at watching him and Fuery panic. Riza and Alphonse sighed while Edward himself only snorted.

"Let me tell you the real reason why I was being good that day. He-"Edward pointed at Alphonse "-made a bet that I couldn't be nice to Colonel Bastard here for one day. I think I proved him wrong. Oh please, you honestly think I'd be nice to him?" Edward face palmed. "You're all idiots."

"But we're not shrimps." Mustang commented, clicking his fingers to re-start the fire.

"**Who're you calling a shrimp so small that the reason I don't have manners is because they can't find my tiny body!"**

"Can I tell a scary story?" Havoc asked, tossing his cigarette into the flames. Everyone nodded.

"Did it really happen?" Breda questioned. Havoc grinned. "Yup, and it concerns you too Breda."

"Ooh, tell us!" Alphonse said.

"Alright then. One day I was casually walking down the street, about to meet my date when a vicious monster savagely began biting my leg. I picked it up and carried it by its neck to Breda's house which was the nearest, with an attempt to hurt the beast at his house. But, as I entered the house, I realised it was empty but he must've forgotten to lock the door. So, in an attempt to get rid of the monster I chucked it into Breda's closet. I left his house. When Breda got home and opened his closet, you could hear the screams from my house. He told me later on that he chucked it out of his house before things got too bad.

And that is why Breda hates dogs." Havoc concluded. Everyone just stared at Breda.

"If you saw a mutt in your closet, you'd be scared too." Breda told them.

"Whatever." Edward snorted. "It's around midnight, I'm going to bed."

"You're tiny body can't handle staying up?" Havoc laughed at the younger boy's expense.

"**Don't call me so tiny that I should be battery powered **or **so small I was sent to Earth on a shooting star and am really an alien.** I'm damn tired. Night." Edward walked into his tent and they could hear something slam onto the ground. Everyone just stared in horror at the tent except for Alphonse who began giggling.

"Alphonse, what happened in there? And why are you laughing?" Riza asked suspiciously. Alphonse looked at her and put his hands up.

"Looks like brother was more tired than he let on." Alphonse replied. Everyone chuckled for a few seconds before they began yawning.

"See you in the morning, okay?" Mustang climbed into his tent with Breda and Havoc following, and the other military personnel went to their respected tents. Alphonse stayed near the fire and looked up at the stars which were glowing faintly in the dark sky.

"At least I get a beautiful view tonight." Alphonse muttered, gazing at the stars.

* * *

"Good morning." Alphonse greeted all of the military personnel who filed out of their tents at the same time (which slightly scared Alphonse).

"Morning. Gah, the only reason I'm up this early is coz I'm so used to waking up early for work." Mustang grumbled, stretching his back.

"Really? I would've been up later, but the boss kept ranting about his height in his sleep." Havoc grinned.

"Oh you heard him? I'm sorry about my brother." Alphonse sheepishly told them.

"No problem Al. Besides, it was quite amusing hearing him say _**who's so tiny that if I suddenly wanted to jump off a cliff it would take years before I hit the floor." **_Breda chuckled. "Morning boss."

"Hey. I heard all the noise so I came out." Edward replied, trying to rub his eyes and untangle his hair with his left hand at the same time. "So, what're we doing today?"

"They want to go fishing in the lake today brother." Alphonse replied, giving his brother a sandwich which Edward somehow managed to swallow in one bite.

"Thanks Al. Hey, can I go swimming instead? I did enough fishing on Yock Island." Edward and Alphonse shuddered. Mustang snickered.

"You sure it's not cos you're scared we'll attach you as bait?"

"**Who're you calling so small plankton swallow me in one bite! **Shut up!" Edward ranted.

Riza smiled at Edward. "Sure. But you might want to fit the spares in _before _you go swimming this time."

"They're already out, I ain't putting in the real auto mail if I can avoid it. Let's go!" All of them made their way to the large, crystal-blue lake. Edward, taking off his top and wearing his boxers, jumped into the water. The difference between doing this today and yesterday was that yesterday, it was the afternoon so there was some warmth.

Today, however, was the morning.

"Gah! Shit, that's cold!" Edward yelped after coming up to the surface. Mustang sighed and clicked his fingers, making the water warmer.

"You never learn, you flea." Mustang muttered.

"**Who's so much of a flea I could be your teddy bear's teddy bear? **Ah, that's better. Thanks Mustang!"

While Edward began to swim around the lake and splash the military personnel (he didn't want to splash Alphonse), the rest of them set up all of the fishing equipment. What they didn't realise was that in this lake there were no fish, so they only caught one shrimp-

"Hey you guys I got one! And it's heavy too!" Mustang shouted after two hours of waiting for a fish. Mustang pulled up the fishing line, and much to his delight, he had caught Edward.

Edward wasn't as delighted as Mustang.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU COULD'VE STABBED MY REAL ARM YOU JERK!" Edward screamed, trying to take the hook out of his spare arm. Mustang and the others couldn't help but laugh at the poor boy, who was getting more annoyed by the second.

"Well Mustang, looks like you caught a shrimp." Havoc laughed.

"**WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT I COULD RIDE ON THE BACK OF A TURTLE! **JUST LET ME DOWN YOU JERKS!" Edward shouted for the whole forest to hear. Mustang pulled in the fishing line, and Edward, who was still stuck on it, landed on the floor with a thump.

"Bastards." Edward mumbled as he rubbed his head and checked his spare arm wasn't broken (it wasn't). Everybody laughed at him, even Falman and Riza. Mustang picked up his fishing equipment.

"Well, we've only caught one shrimp, and sadly we can't eat him. Might as well go back to camp, at least to let the shrimp dry." Mustang explained. All of them gathered their items and walked back to their camp. Edward mumbling "They called me a **shrimp so small they could carry me on one finger."**

* * *

"So what do we do know?" Breda asked. It was two hours since they went fishing, and they just finished having a picnic lunch. Mustang shrugged. "I dunno."

"I'm going for a walk. Who wants to come with me?" Edward asked, standing up and walking to the forest. Havoc, Mustang and Alphonse all followed after him. Breda snorted.

"Have fun exercising on holiday you guys." Breda called after them. Fuery was trying to create an intricate cup-telephone system with plastic cups and string but was failing miserably, Falman was reading the rhyming dictionary and Riza was reading a novel. Things at the camp were peaceful.

But on the walk-

"Hey look, a squirrel!" Alphonse whispered, pointing to a brown coloured squirrel which was currently sleeping on a tree branch.

"Hey Fullmetal, why don't you try taming it and making it your pet?" Mustang (tried to) innocently ask.

"**Are you suggesting I'm so small I could ride squirrels for a living?" **Edward glared.

"You guys, can we keep moving? It's a squirrel." Havoc complained. Alphonse looked at the man.

"But it's adorable~! I'm going to try and get it!" Alphonse declared, climbing up the tree. His action led to two important consequences.

One: The squirrel got scared by the suit of armour and ran off to a different tree.

Two: When Alphonse was at the top of the tree, it couldn't support his weight and it fell down.

Everyone who was watching (after checking the blood seal was intact) couldn't help but laugh for ages at the situation-if you saw a suit of armour climb a tree and then make the tree fall down, you would find it hilarious too.

"Ah that was funny." Edward sighed. The others nodded. Alphonse pulled the tree of himself and stood up.

"Brother, I didn't get the squirrel." Alphonse mumbled. Edward laughed at his brother.

"It's okay Al, there are tons of squirrels in Central."

"But it was going to be your friend."

"Al, **I'M NOT SO SMALL MY BEST FRIEND IS A SQUIRREL! **Whatever, we should go back to camp. We've been gone for a while. And we need to set up dinner." Edward turned around started walking back to the camp. The others followed him.

"Err, can anyone here cook?" Havoc asked. Edward snorted. "I haven't got a clue. Al can cook pretty well though."

"Err, I can _cook _stuff, it's just not edible afterwards." Mustang answered. Havoc sighed.

"This'll be interesting then."

* * *

"Fuery, with all due respect, **DON'T MIX ME UP FOR SHRIMP WHEN YOU'RE COOKING SEAFOOD COS I AIN'T A SHRIMP!"** They were cooking the dinner (it was six in the evening), and Fuery was cooking various fish and accidently nearly put Edward in the pot.

"Sorry sir! I didn't mean to!" Fuery cried. Edward sighed.

"I'm just going to watch you guys cook while I watch." Mustang, who wanted to be lazy, chucked some ketchup on Edward.

"No fair Fullmetal. This is a team effort. Heheh, now you look like a baby tomato when you're covered in red."

"**WHO'S SO SHORT I CAN'T EVEN BE THE SIZE OF A NORMAL TOMATO!** BRING IT MUSTANG!" Edward chucked custard over the colonel's head. Mustang, who couldn't see as his line of vision was covered by custard, threw an apple pie at Havoc.

"What the hell colonel!" Havoc shouted, tossing raw eggs at Breda. Breda yelped and hid in Al's armour for protection.

"Breda...please get out of my body. It feels really weird." Alphonse groaned, picking up the man and chucking him out. By this time, everybody was involved in the food war except Alphonse, who just watched them all fight and laughed.

Riza's weapon of choice was a mustard squirty bottle and she had fun squirting everybody. Falman was chucking cheese at Edward, who shouted "FALMAN, **I AM NOT SHORT AND I AM NOT A MOUSE, I AM A HUMAN! " **Edward was using raw cookie dough as his weapon, and was trying to shove it into people's mouths. Fuery had a bowl of pasta, and was throwing it over the others. Breda had flour and flung it randomly in the air. Havoc was using smoked salmon to slap people. By the time they had finished, everyone was covered in everybody's food and the campsite was a mess. They all lied down on the floor, panting for breath and laughed for a few minutes, until Edward brought up a very good point.

"Guys, that was amazingly epic and all, but do we have anything to eat?"

"Well, no-one used the shrimp so we have some shrimp. Care for some Fullmetal?" Mustang asked, checking over the shrimp.

"**I'm not a shrimp, so I won't humour you by eating it because damnit, I am tall." **Edward replied. "Hey! I found cookies!" Edward cried, bringing out a packet of cookies he found buried under lettuce leaves. "Who wants them?"

In about three minutes, everybody had eaten the entire packet.

* * *

Miraculously, Edward managed to transmute a shower for them to use. Everybody had rinsed and showered and now they were sitting around a roaring fire, courtesy of Mustang.

"Ah, it's so warm." Fuery sighed, rubbing his hands together. The others nodded.

"Today was one of the best military holiday days we've had." Falman commented. Everyone nodded.

"Must be because we brought the Elric's with us." Riza reasoned. "It's more fun when we're all together."

"I think you're right. It was fun teasing the brat." Mustang teased Edward.

"**Just cos I might lack a couple of centimetres, it doesn't make me a brat. **Anyway, it was quite nice to have some time off from research, wasn't it Al?" Edward asked his brother, who nodded.

"Thank you for bringing us with you. It really was fun." Alphonse thanked them. All of them smiled at the gentle suit of armour.

"Of course Al." Fuery answered back. They all sat in silence around the blazing crimson fire, marvelling at the beauty of the forest at night.

* * *

"Gah, I don't want to go back. All that damn paperwork waiting on my desk." Mustang sighed, rubbing his back. They had all woken up a couple of hours ago, and were packing up the tents.

"Lazy sod." Edward teased, rubbing his right shoulder. A few minutes ago he had connected his proper auto mail in, and it still hurt just a bit. He didn't want Al to do everything, so he was trying to help.

"Brother, you just need to rest your auto mail ports, let me do the work." Alphonse gently moved his brother away from him.

"You're moving me because I'll get in the way? Whatever, I'm tired." Edawrd sat down, rubbing his leg port now as he watched the others pack up. Within ten minutes they were all done, and they all filed into the mini-van that they arrived in, and left the area.

* * *

"Great, just as I expected." Mustang sighed, walking into his office the next Monday morning. There was one huge stack of papers in his TO DO tray. All his other subordinates were dutifully doing their tasks and designated paperwork.

Edward and Alphonse walked into the colonel's office.

"Do you have a mission for me to do or can I research the Philosopher's Stone some more? I need to make up for lost time." Edward asked. Mustang sighed.

"Sadly, all I have is paperwork which you can't do shorty."

"**WHO'S SO SHORT I COULD RANT ABOUT IT 500 TIMES!"**

Mustang answered the question Edward had asked five-hundred times.

"You."

* * *

_Cue long Author's Note:_

_Yesterday there were no rants because I wanted to post the list of who called Ed short before this chapter._

_Technically in total this fic has 501 rants, but I accidently repeated a rant so to make up for it there are 501 rants. Now that's out of the way-_

_It would take me a VERY long time to list each and every reviewer who has reviewed this story and I would just like to thank each and every person who reviewed, they were what motivated me to finish this. Also, a super thank you to my multiple reviewers, you reviewed so often and I really appreciate you guys :)_

_I think I should also apologise to people who reviewed, considering I usually reply to each review, so sorry for filling up your inboxes with review replies x)_

_I just realised that this fic has like, tons of chapters xD you guys must be brave, reading through it! I am planning on doing another list for FMA, but I am still deciding on what to do it on. If you have any ideas what I should make a list about, feel free to drop a review._

_Oh, I should also mention here that Edward actually isn't short in my opinion, I just wanted to make him rant this whole time ^^ now you know the truth!_

_-AEW Alchemist_


End file.
